Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 8th…if you say that really fast, it sounds Frawnch. No, really…try it with Us: FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith …see? (Unbeknownst to you, you have just placed an order for parboiled escargot in cumin-scented lemur semen, which will be deposited before you five minutes from now by a surly waiter with poor hygiene and a foreskin that looks like Mildred Natwick. He will insist…but insist!...that you taste it in his presence so he may relay your reaction to the chef. And We will laugh and laugh and laugh…)
Those of you with foreskins, or foreskin experience (ahem), are now contemplating just what exactly one would have to do to induce one’s foreskin to resemble Mildred Natwick. A whole new world of foreskin impressionism is opening up before you. (You’re welcome.) This is why Frank Gorshin only sometimes wore the green-tights costume when he played the Riddler on Batman; his foreskin frequently did impressions all on its own, and was disruptive to the filming process. (You try filming a serious fight scene while a foreskin that looks like Henry Kissinger is speaking to you from Frank Gorshin’s tights.)
But that’s just silliness.
Meanwhile, riddle me this, Batman (said Frank Gorshin’s foreskin, sounding, for some reason, uncannily like Julie Newmar with a head cold): what’s more fun than the WaitStaff playing The Match Game ? Nothing, that’s what. Tickets can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 or at the door. Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Those of you who have been paying attention (and We’re sure you’re BOTH very nice) will no doubt be pleased to hear that it is no longer Michael Cera’s birthday.
You need to look forward and make sure that the future is every bit as exciting as you want it to be! (That would seem to require crystal balls. Which means it’s a good thing We’re not wearing culottes.)
(Having said that, We are hard-pressed to think of any occasion when it would NOT be a good thing that We’re not wearing culottes. Or a tube top. Or Frank Gorshin’s green Riddler tights.)
(Did anyone else just have a sort of Muppet-foreskin flash? Frank Gorshin’s foreskin singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Your energy is much less focused on the present day, (Wait…We get presents?)
so it’s easier than usual to think ahead. (It would be easier to think OF head if We got some from time to time. Just sayin’.)
Do not let someone’s nasty comment eat away at you (Save that privilege for the flesh-eating bacteria.)
— they are only trying to push your buttons, (We should be so lucky.)
and if you get mad, you’ll only play into their hands. (And that would be bad?)
Instead, be extra good to them. (Gooder than We already are? How is that even possible?)
Show them more respect than they have shown you. (Sing it, like Aretha Franklin’s urethra.)
Kill them with kindness. (If that doesn’t work, kill them with your foreskin’s Bill Cosby impression.)
By rising above the petty fight they seem to be itching for, you will show them — and the influential people who may be watching — that you are better than they are. (As though there were any doubt.)
Taking the high road is always wise for you. (Well, according to conventional wisdom, not if you wish to get to Scotland in the fastest way possible.)
Romance is coming soon enough. (Yes, but how soon exactly? Because if romance shows up will the wrong person is here, We could wind up barking up the wrong foreskin, and how embarrassing would THAT be?)
(How many of you are now pixturing Us barking into a foreskin? Sort of like the RCA Victor dog in reverse…”his master’s voice”, and all that.)
(Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for some weeks in July and August, but they’re filling up fast.)
But rushing into that date or making that call could spell disaster. (Aretha Franklin’s urethra just got done spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T…what else do you want from her? She is not your dancing monkey.)
Take some time today to explore your individuality and your connection with others. (Someday We’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection…you DO realize that you’ll never be able to see Kermit the Frog again without thinking of Frank Gorshin’s foreskin.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.