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Friday, June 29, 2012

But you didn’t have to cut me off

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  FrightDay, June 29, 2012.  Let’s just stick a fork in this craptastic week, shall We?  How something that started on such a positive note could turn into such a shitstorm, We’ll never know.  That’ll teach Us to have anything go right in Our life.

In Our continued desperate effort to remain a more glass-half-full kind of gal, We will just point out that, at the dentist yesterday, We didn’t have any cavities.  Which was good, because the last thing We need is another hole in Our head.

We have absolutely nothing else to report, and, apparently, the less We say, the better.  Here is this, which happens in two weeks: The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should) and tickets can be gotten here: .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

We went to collect Kelli’s horoscope, hoping that she would tell Us that it was someone amusing’s birthday today, to lift Our spirits or inspire Us to a joke.  We certainly didn’t expect Nicole Scherzinger.  Who the fuck is Nicole Scherzinger?  But then We did a search of Our own, and discovered that it is virtually no one’s birthday today.  Seriously…Gary Busey?  Nelson Eddy?  Slim Pickens?  Gopher from The Love Boat?  That’s not even worth opening a can of frosting for.  Sigh.

Okay, lest We totally make your day as crappy as Ours, We found some Totally Inappropriate Tweets (from Twitter, for you oldies) to share:

Maybe our streets would be cleaner if we gave blind people a broom instead of a cane.

Strangers get so mad when you get their husband’s gender wrong.

I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome.  Jazzhands, probably.

Every elevator should have the “2” button replaced with “congratulations, fatass”.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a deaf person’s orgasm.

Does anyone have a hot glue gun I can borrow?  Or a regular glue gun with an awesome personality?

Every 30 minutes in America a woman is diagnosed with AIDS.  Why does she keep getting tested?

Just saw my parents having sex.  That’s the last time I go on THAT website.

You’re welcome.  (Meanwhile, Nicole Scherzinger has a really terrible weave. (That last bit wasn’t a tweet; We just went back to collect the horoscope.))

Something is up for renewal  (This is the horoscope now.  Just so We’re clear.)

-- and you should sign on! (Sign on, sign on, Harvest Moon…up in the sky…)

(What the hell was that?)

Whether it's a cable deal or a work contract, (Both of which sound equally exciting.  Except, ya know, NOT.)

you should find that extending what you've already got is a very good strategy.  (Was that a fat joke?  And, if so, shouldn’t the word be “fategy”?)

Speed will be an issue for you to contend with today.   (We once mixed Our Midol™ with speed…had Our period six times in one day.)

Some people will be going too slowly for you, some people will be going too quickly, and some people won’t be going at all!  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Goldilocks.)

(We just looked out to see if the mail was here yet.  (It wasn’t.  (Isn’t Our life fascinating?))  If anyone wants to come visit Us, there are about eleventy-twelve parking spaces on Our street right now.)

Instead of trying to rally the troops, (Which sounds like it would mostly just annoy them.  How would YOU feel about being “rallied”?)

slow people down or get them motivated, just focus on your own stuff.  (Stuff THIS.  Bitch.)

You’re not around to be other people’s cheerleader. (If you come over, We’ll show you Our pom-poms.)

They’ll catch up when they catch up — if they catch up.   (Unless, of course, they must tard.  (Every so often, naturally, they may onnaise instead.))

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Other people are not your responsibility, (No, they are the bane of Our existence.)

so don’t take that on.  (The only thing We are taking on is ballast.)

Your emotions are all over the place today. (We told you:  Midol™, speed…)

 Don’t let sudden mood swings sway you from getting to know someone new. (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!  WHORE!!!)

Instead of dumping all your feelings in plain sight, let this new flame do all the talking for the both of you.  (Here is that same sentence in WingDings:  Instead of dumping all your feelings in plain sight, let this new flame do all the talking for the both of you.  Notice how it makes just as much sense.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.