Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManPurseMonday,
June 4rd, 2012. Happy birthday to Colin,
who turns twenty-four today. And Happy Queen’s Birthday to Our New
Zealandishese readers, Happy Foundation Day to Our Western Australian readers,
and Happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our Irelandishese and
UKanian-except-for-Scotland readers.
Lord, it must be difficult to figger out when One is supposed to go to
work and when One has the day off if One lives in Australia or the UK. Fortunately, here in These United States, it’s
just Monday. Does anyone know when the
Queen’s ACTUAL birthday is? Bitch
intends to celebrate, apparently, for an entire year. And what exactly is One supposed to buy her,
anyway? Clearly, she collects ugly hats,
but it’s not like you can buy her one…they’re always dyed to match her
outfit. And her shoes. And her husband. Who is, for some reason, neither the King,
nor a jack, so how One plays cards in that country remains a mystery.
Sigh.
Meanwhile,
you may recall that We began last week talking about building a bridge with which
to get over Ourselves. Turns out, it’s
not Us. (Well, technically, it’s not
We. (It may, however, actually be
We-We-We-all-the-way-home, but that’s neither here nor there.)) Other people are actually fucking with Us, as
We are apparently Too Nice For Our Own Good.
We
shall pause here, to give you time to stop sniggering into your Weetabix™. (Really!
What you do in private is your own business, but nobody likes a public
Weetabix™ sniggerer. (But nobody doesn’t
like SaraLee™.))
(Micro$oft
Weird™ is frowning upon “sniggerer”. If
One can snigger, why can One not be a sniggerer? It’s a simple principle of The Queen’s
English. Somebody get The Queen on the
phone. (Do you think The Queen has a cell phone in her purse? Do people call her, do you think? Does she
call people? What does she say? “Yo, it’s The Queen. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” If she says that, does she snigger? If so, would she say she is a sniggerer? (Using The Royal We, naturally: “We are A Sniggerer.”)))
Queen
jokes. They never get old. Unlike, say, The Queen. It’s a good thing We aren’t The Queen. We
would definitely have Prince Harry jump out of Our birthday cake…
But
where were We before We digressed? Oh,
yes…other people. Fucking with Us. We may not be The Queen, but We know how to
say “Off with their heads!” Bitches best
step off.
(We
also know how to say, “Let them eat cake”, but if Prince Harry’s jumping out of
it, nobody else is getting any.)
In
other news, yesterday We betook Ourself (oh, shut up…it’s not like We publicly
sniggered into Our Weetabix™) into Ye Historick Olde Philadelphia to witness a
clown show entitled The Astronomer
Collapses. It depicted the 1769 fainting spell which prevented
astronomer David Rittenhouse from observing Venus's passage in front of the
sun, which apparently happens only twice a century (and is about to happen on
Tuesday). When did We, of all
people, suddenly become a clown show aficionado, you ask? We did not.
However, Justin Bieber from Starzina’s Time of the Month Horosocpe:
Pisces video (which see: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 ) was in it, along with another young gentleman with whom he
alternated playing David Rittenhouse.
And, while the garb may be colonial, the breeches are very fetchingly
tailored, so there’s that.
Oh, dear…is he reading this? We may blush.
Well, We promised We’d plug him…if you would like to see this 15-minute
show for the low, low price of free, it is happening today and tomorrow, beginning
at noon and at 5PM, four times in succession each. It is in Thomas Jefferson Park, which you
enter on the east side of 5th Street, just south of Chestnut (the
park is just south of the park that contains The Signer statue, across 5th Street from the American
Philosophical Society Museum). Tell ‘em
Starzina sent you.
This has been a public service announcement. (We do public service, but not public
Weetabix™ sniggering.) In other news,
from The No Good Deed Goes Unpunished department, while We were observing said
clown show (and said breeches), some sort of insect flew into Our eye, which is
now swollen and gross. Because The
Universe found it necessary to make Us even less attractive than We already
are, in case Our Prince Should Come on the subway on Our way to sketch comedy
class tonight.
(“We said We’d plug him…” heh.
We kill Us.)
Speaking
of plugging, obviously We shall also have to plug Ourself (isn’t that always
the way? (something else, no doubt, that
The Queen has in her purse)), the
WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular
demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th
& Bainbridge. And We expect an
enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations
are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event
here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
(WHAT?!? All those stupid Australian and UKian
holidays, and nobody pointed out that it’s Angelina Jolie’s birthday?!?)
You
should see about shaking things up (You should also consider twisting. And/or shouting. Baby.)
—
your energy is just right for taking action and making your mark on the world. (Kiss
Us quick, We’re Zorro. (Whose career would not have been nearly as colorful, it
suddenly occurs to Us, if his name had been, say, Isaac.))
See
if your people can back you up as you bring big things to life. (Always with this delusion that We have “people”. We are *A* queen, not *THE* Queen.)
No
matter what kind of conversation you get involved in to today, you need to make
sure that you come off in a good light. (Well, then, put a dark rose gel in it,
and smear some Vaseline™ on that bad boy.)
(That
being, of course, what she said.)
Your
reputation is your top concern right now, so it’s essential for you to take
care of it. (We have admitted that We publicly admired the tailoring of clowns’
breeches….We’re pretty sure Our reputation is finished.)
Attention
to detail is more important than ever, too — you don’t want to send any emails
with typos, or dress too causally for an important event. (Did she really just
say “causally” when she meant “casually” in a sentence about typos? Jeebus!
Remind Us why We don’t have an editing job again?)
Make
sure you’re polished and smooth today. (Could that euphemism BE any more
blatant? She might just as well have
said, “Make sure your Weetabix™ is well-sniggered.”)
Some
very important people are going to be observing you. (Well, it’s a good thing We don’t have Prince
Albert in Our can, then, innit?)
Fear of rejection is real. (Especially if you
are Us. (Which, of course, you are not.
(Because if you (subjunctively) were, who would We be? (We have met the enema,
and Toyz ‘R’ Us. (What does that even MEAN?))))
No
question about that. (Although We do occasionally have “that” versus “which”
issues.)
(We
thought it was time for a little tasteful grammar humor amidst all the “Weetabix™
sniggering” vulgarity. You’re welcome.)
But
who’s really dissing whom? (Well, it’s probably not The Queen. Because We are guessing that, if The Queen Of
England were (subjunctively) dissing you, you’d know. You’d probably get some sort of engraved
proclamation. And there might be a sword
involved.)
(Is
anyone else now picturing The Queen rapping?
Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Avoid sabotaging a potential love connection
before it ever happens. (Eye swollen, Weetabix™ unsniggered…oh, yeah, We a love
connection waiting to happen, We is, yo.)
(Now
picture The Queen saying that last bit…funny, no?)
Are
they interested in you? (Have you met Us?
We make grammar jokes.)
Who
knows? (The Shadow knows. Also, love
grows where my Rosemary goes. Also, they
call the wind Maria, but they don’t pronounce it properly.)
That’s
not your decision to make. (Oh, go
snigger your Weetabix. Bitch.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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