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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for HumpDay HumpDay HumpDay, June 13, 2012.  (The theory being, naturally, that if One says “HumpDay” three times, a HumpDay will appear.  (With Our luck, of course, DORIS Day will appear.  With one breast bared.  Singing “Que Sera,Sera”. In Pig Latin. ))

Having conjured that dazzlingly brilliant poetic image for you, happy birthday to Diane, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who are no doubt have humps with no incantations whatsoever.

In other news, We received a piece of snail-mail yesterday exhorting Us to “effortlessly purchase cemetery space by mail”.  Is there something YouPeople aren’t telling Us?

Meanwhile, a comment on one of Our recent e-pisstles from someone called “webmaster” said, and We quote, “I definitely appreciate studying all that is published on your site regarding Daily Horoscope. Keep the details arriving. I liked it! 


In still other news, for someone who has been around the proverbial block as many times as Our Own Self Personally, We can occasionally be of a stupidity of stupendous stupidosity.  We are currently two-thirds of the way through a veritable Trifecta of Stupidosity, and We can only imagine how very, very stupid We will be in the home stretch.

Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, apparently thinks We are of such a stupendous stupidosity that We don’t know that “trifecta” is a word.  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Sometimes amidst Our stupendous stupidosity, there are moments of staggering serendipity, such as came to pass this very morning.  Upon discovering that today is Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s birthday (We *KNOW*!), through a natural association of ideas, We immediately began wondering whatever happened to the Brewer twins.  In Googling them on Wikipedia, We somehow came across today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus.  Which, depicting a skateboarding Jesus as it does, would be relatively unremarkable, except for the fact that Skateboarding Jesus has HAIRY LEGS!

Okay, NOW here’s the HorrorScope:

Your ambitions can be more easily achieved today — all you have to do is go for it!  (Isn’t that what you told us yesterday?  Trust Us, not so much.)

Your great energy is all you need to bend the world to your will. (First, We’re buying a cemetery plot, now We’re writing Our will…what aren’t you telling Us?)

Imagine it, then push yourself to greatness!  (Why is the phrase “straining at stool” leaping to mind?)

Your curiosity is stronger than ever right now, (That’s Axe™ body spray.)

so why not unleash it? (And let it poop wherever it wants?  We think not.)

Go out into the world today and explore all the nooks and crannies you can find.  (Now that’s just dirty.)

Turn over every rock and examine what you see. (Eeeuuuwww!!!)

Wherever you look, there will be hidden clues and fascinating ideas. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Nancy Drew Barrymore Pamela Sue Martin Short.)

(Fucking Tourette’s syndrome.)

If they are good things, you will have a new direction to discover.  (They are UNDER a fucking ROCK…how good can they be?)

And if they’re bad things, at least you will know better next time. (Yeah…don’t turn over rocks.  Moron.)

Experience creates the best education — period.  (The School of Hard Knockers, eh?)

At first your date’s need for attention seems natural and uninhibited, (What is this “date” of which you speak?)

but then you start wondering why they’re so insecure. (Well, maybe.  After We finish wondering why they’re inflatable.)

Can you really afford to spend all your time shoring up this person’s ego? (That depends…are We getting as blowjob out of it?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.