Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhenceDay, June 27, 2012. Happy Hump Day. Need We even continue? We didn’t think so.
There is, apparently, some British boi band, consisting of five 18-year-olds, called One Erection. (How you can have five healthy 18-year-old bois with only one erection between (amongst?) them is beyond Us, but it’s Britlandia, so who knows?) Now, We Our Own Self Personally do not so much follow along with the bouncing balls of the pop music scene (that little word pixture was meant to be in keeping with the genitalia motif that seems to be developing here. (We just know you’re SHOCKED.)), but We were directed to a YouTube video of One Erection live in concert by a blog We follow.
The quality of the video was not all that great, as it was apparently just taken using some fan’s phone. Which, as near as We can tell, was a rotary phone. Whose number was Butterfield-8. Which still takes nickels. Buffalo nickels. (Erix Daily Horoscope is GREEN; We recycle Our jokes. (Although the “buffalo nickel” part was new.)) However, We were able to clearly hear the little whippersnappers singing, “You don’t know you’re beautiful…that’s what makes you beautiful.” Which seemed a rather mature sentiment for gentlemen who barely have to shave yet.
Of course, Britlandian boys are much more mature than American boys, because they go away to boarding school when they are twelve and have sex with each other until they turn twenty-one, while saying things like, “Pip! Pip! Sporting, what?” and wearing jodhpurs and bowler hats. (Is anyone else now picturing Harry Potter having sex in a bowler hat? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
But that’s not Our point. In fact, We seem to have strayed from Our point completely. (How HAWTT did Daniel Radcliffe turn out, though? Seriously!) Our point is that, for some reason unbeknownst to Us, We actually recognized the song! This gave Us pause, as We could not for the life of Us imagine how We had come across it. Of course, in a total visit from your Auntie Climax, We eventually realized that they had done it on Glee.
Wow. That was a really long story about nothing. Good thing there were all those genitalia in there.
Speaking of genitalia, We and Our genitalia betook Ourselves to the Homo Depot yesterday. (Is that sentence making anyone else think of the “Dick in a Box” song? Sigh…Justin Timberlake. (Boi bands and genitalia…it’s like a theme party in here today, folks!)) With absolutely no muss, fuss, or waiting, We were able to order Our hinges. (We knew from the InterNetz that they wouldn’t have them in stock, but We wanted someone less unhinged than Our Own Self to look at the broken one to be sure We were ordering the right thing. And since Daniel Radcliffe, Justin Timberlake, and the bois from One Erection were all unavailable, We had to go see a lesbian at the Homo Depot.)
Micro$oft Weird™ keeps “suggesting” that We might want to change “Homo Depot” to “Home Depot”. Micro$oft Weird™ clearly hasn’t been to the Homo Depot lately. Plus, if We were (subjunctively) going to change it to anything, We would change it to “Topo Gigio”, just to fuck with all y’all.
In still other news, The Match Game : playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage. The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should): http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/ and tickets can be gotten here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 . Be there, or be BLANK.)
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Oh. My. Gawd. It is HELEN KELLER’S BIRTHDAY! (We said that in all caps, so she’d hear Us.) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HK!!! In honor of Helen’s special day, We present the remainder of the horoscope as she would experience it:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.