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Thursday, June 14, 2012

In the church of the poison mind

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, June 14, 2012.  Happy Fag Day to Juan Anne Dahl. Today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Muss No Fuss Leave The Driving To Us (or, if you actually SPEAK Frawnch, Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Moo No Foo Leave Ze Driving To Ooo) was chosen especially for your Happy Fag Day because, while it may not contain a Happy Fag, We are guessing that it resulted in a very Happy Fag makeup artist.

What?  Oh…never mind.

(Just move on…We have no intention of stopping to explain who Emily Litella was.)

You will be pleased to hear that The Trifecta Of Stupid continues apace here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, but We shall avoid dwelling lest We disrupt the chakras of the naked skimmers.

And that is, for the most part, All We Got.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Ordinarily, Kelli attempts to prove how hep to the jive she is by touting the birthday of some teen-to-twenty-something celebutard of whom We have never heard.   Today, she is informing Us that it is Donald Trump’s birthday. Jigga WUT?  This, naturally, made Us go off on a fact-finding mission, wherein We discovered that her celebrity birthday pickings were indeed Few and Far Between.  Although, in the interests of Fag Day, she might have chosen to wish a happy birthday to Boy George instead of La Trump.  Whatevs.

(She might also have chosen Alois Alzheimer, who invented Alzheimer’s disease.  But maybe she forgot.)

You just don’t feel right today (If you’ve been left?)

 if you’re not in motion (Okay…or that.)

— or at least making things happen!  (We would like to make things happen.  We would like to make a LOT of things happen.  What’s the waiting period for a semi-automatic weapon?)

If you must slow down, (If We were any slower, We’d be time-lapse photography.  (That was a little inside joke, for someone who, it just occurred to Us, may not even be a Gentle Reader.  Hmmm…an inside joke for nobody.  Much like the age-old question, if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?))

make it a brief pit stop (Instead of a long shit storm?  If only We had that power…)

instead of a full-on refueling session. (Obviously, We keep guessing the wrong answer.  It’s like that old joke (to which We only remember the punchline) about winging the Wong numbah.)

(Is anyone else hungry for Chinese food now?  (Has it been half an hour already?))

You can do this!  (What the fuck is “this”? (Besides a demonstrative desperately seeking an antecedent?))

You have got so much energy today (Have We met?)

that getting started on new things won’t be a problem for you at all. (As soon as We get the key to the belltower…)

It’s the finishing up that you will have a bit of a struggle with!  (Indeed.  Because no matter how many people you take out, there are still more.)

There are a lot of details still up in the air on your biggest project, (Was that a fat joke?)

and all of the uncertainty around you will prevent you from being able to put a period on the end of any sentence. (Always…have a happy period.  (This seems as good a time as any to point out that it is also Yasmine Bleeth’s birthday.  Kelli would have Us know that, in addition to having starred on Baywatch,  Ms. Bleeth is a “breast cancer awareness advocate”.  Phrases like that perplex Us…who the hell is unaware of breast cancer?)

Luckily, you have many friendly and fun people in your life who will keep you from getting frustrated.  (Don’t even get Us started.)

Tone down the aggressiveness, (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO, BITCH!)

or else you could spook someone, (How is it that “spook” can be a verb, while “gook” cannot?  Discuss.)

(Tonight on CBS: The Amazing Racist!)

and just when you were getting off to such a good start too! (It’s not how you fart, it’s sautéed spinach.)


(There’s a really disgusting “shart” joke in there somewhere…remind Us to come back to it.)

Remember to keep your interactions low-stakes and low-key and it’ll go swimmingly.  (It’s been half an hour…how ‘bout some lo-mein?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.