Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, June 12, 2012. We have so little to report that this horoscope may actually delete itself as We type. Much like a tape self-destructing in five seconds. (Which one of you smart-asses just said, “What’s a ‘tape’?”?) So why don’t YouPeople just sit there and listen to the theme from Mission: Impossible and wait for that to happen.
Gawd, YouPeople will believe anything. Didja know that if you say “gullible” three times fast, it sounds just like “orange”?
How many of you are actually hearing the theme from Mission: Impossible in your heads right now?
How many of you are pixturing Us sitting at Our computer dressed up like Barbara Bain?
Well, at least somebody’s having a good morning.
Yesterday was, of course, the last sketch comedy class of the semester. So fifteen young minds that We have helped to mold in Our Own image have been unleashed upon an unsuspecting universe. Party with THAT thought.
Other than that, We got nothin’. Let’s find out what celebrity’s birthday it is…who the fuck is Kendra Baskett, and why does she look exactly like Mister Ed, The Talking Horse?
Oh, see, now…it’s Anne Frank’s birthday. If she were (subjunctively) still alive, she’d be eighty-three. And really pissed that all YouPeople have been reading her diary.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Don’t dismiss the news that comes early today (Oh, shut up…We don’t have to listen to you!)
(Heh. See what We did there? It was practically classic. Like the Greeks, and that lot.)
— things are not going so well, (Really? We hadn’t noticed. Also, let them eat cake.)
and you need to shore up your position to hold off a decline. (Hmm. It’s a good thing there’s cake, then.)
The good news is that things are just about to turn in your favor. (We shall hold Our breath and wait.)
When you are showered with compliments today, (Take an umbrella. And wear your rubbers!)
and you will be, try to accept them all graciously. (We are nothing if not gracious. As in, “Gracious, what a stupid compliment!”)
Don’t go for false modesty, it simply does not become you. (Moonlight becomes you, it goes with your hair…)
(Never mind. Go back to the theme from Mission:Impossible.)
Be grateful for the fact that the people around you have the sense to see how wonderful you are, and thank them for it! (Oh, dear. Are you seeing the imaginary people again, Kelli? (We’ll have what she’s smoking.))
You have to get used to people telling you how great you are, (Sure. Right after We get used to being Queen of Norway.)
because it’s only going to happen more and more often as the days go by. (Is this like that alternate universe where Superman wears black and white and eats Kryptonite for breakfast?)
(You didn’t think We’d know about that, didja?)
You might as well start getting used to it today. (Well, We’ve nothing better to do.)
Romantic ideas you have and plans you make during the day have the blessing of the stars, so brainstorm and fire up that social calendar. (What does burning Our calendar have to do with anything?)
As for this evening, proceed with caution when it comes to love.
(This space left intentionally blank.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.