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Monday, June 11, 2012

Pour a little sugar on me, honey

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManBoobMonday, June 11, 2012.  Happy The Queen’s Birthday to Our Gentle Readers Down Under.  Except, of course, for Our Gentle Readers in WESTERN Down Under, where it is apparently not The Queen’s Birthday.  Get your shit together, Australia; you’re getting on Our nerves.  In other news, happy birthday to Bill, who turns twenty-four today.  And happy belated birthday to Kevin, who turned twenty-four yesterday.  And happy gradumatation to Jordan, who recently gradumatated, and will now be taking Erix Daily Horoscope to college.  As one does.

As We are feeling somewhat less than inspired (which is to say, more or less EXpired) this morning, We would like to direct your attention to SayerDee’s e-pissode, which was particularly brill:

Oh, you’re back already?  Hmmm….well, there is this analysis We sent out recently of Our highest-hitting e-pissodes…if any of all y’all can shed any light upon it, We’d be eternally Grape-Nuts™:

This is the fat man in question, which has an all-time hit count of 3054:

There are only 7 other installments with hit counts over 100; it is probably not a coincidence that the next two, with 199 and 197 hits respectively, have McDonna lyrics for titles:

I get the feeling that, if I could explain any of this, I'd be rich, I tell you, rich.


You came back AGAIN?  Gluttons for punishment, you are.  Meanwhile, speaking of gluttony, in culinary news of the gustatory variety, We were Ever-So-Trendy this past weekend.  On Friday, after We slayed ‘em in the aisles at The Match Game, We betook Ourselves to the hottest, trendiest new pizza place in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, Nomad.  Because that’s just how We roll.  And then We report how We roll back to you.  Not only did We love their pizza, of which We sampled three different kinds, but We loved their service as well.  So, having rolled out of there (because that’s how We roll), on Saturday, We found Ourselves rolling into Birra, the hot, trendy new pizza place in Our Own Personal neighborhood.  (Yes, We have Our Own Personal neighborhood.  Just like Mister Rogers.  Try not to get Us confused.  (We are the one who’s not a pedophile.))  We loved their pizza, of which We sampled two, but not so much their service, or the microwaved (!) dessert they served to Our dinner companion.

And you wonder why We wonder if Our fat ass makes Our ass look fat.

Where Our fat ass did NOT roll this weekend was to Gay Pride, which apparently was completely capable of muddling through without Us.  And Our fat ass.  Based on some of the pixtures We’ve seen of the event, however, Our sun-eclipsing ass need not have kept Us away, as this year’s theme was apparently Ugly Folks Have Pride Too.  So there’s that.

Is anyone else craving pizza now?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

 Just as We were castigating Ourself for having nothing to share with Our Gentle Readers this morning, along comes the news that it is Shia LaBeouf’s birthday today.  Does it GET any better than that?

 Use what you’ve got to help others today (We’ve got a big fat ass.  How that will help any of you, We haven’t got any idea.)

— your own programs and projects just can’t move very quickly right now.  (That’s because there’s a piece of pizza in each of Our back pockets.)

Score some points with friends and coworkers and spend them soon!  (We have no idea what that means.  Does anybody know what that means?)

Today your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment … after your perform for these folks, you should reach out to them for insight. (Actually, no.  It is the final night of sketch comedy class, so the chirren’s imagination, dreams, and fantasies will be entertaining OUR fat ass.)

You’ve been in a thick fog about how you feel about someone else, (Actually, We’re fairly sure Someone Else is in The Thick Fog.  We’ve got Our hands full with The Fat Ass.)

(Well, not LITERALLY.)

and a conversation with a close mutual friend will go a long way toward clearing up any confusion. (Well, good.  Because the last thing We need is unclear confusion.  (Actually, the LAST thing We need is crystal blue persuasion.  Mainly because We haven’t got any idea what the hell it is.  But unclear confusion is probably the NEXT to the last thing. (Unless the NEXT to the last thing is Kim Kardashian.  In which case, unclear confusion is the NEXT TO the next to the last thing.)))

(We’re so confused.)

Plus, you are likely to pick up on facts that you didn’t quite pick up on before. (Oh, by all means, let’s cloud the issue with more facts.)

You’ll know what to say to the source of confusion by the end of the day. (Unless it starts with “fuck you, Kim Kardashian”, no.  No, We won’t.)

The universe rewards selflessness now, (Which is a damn shame, just as the quantity of Our Self and Our Fat Ass approaches infinity.)

so put your own romantic ambitions on the shelf and help someone else with theirs — or just sow some general sweetness. (Who you calling a sow?  Bitch.)

Your love karma’s looking great.  (Chubby chaser.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.