Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToothDay, June 5, 2012. Happy Diamond Jubilee Holiday to Our readers in the UK. Having dealt with The Queen’s propensity for celebrating HerSelf yesterday, We shall move on to say simply that We find “jubilee” to be a lovely word, which sounds like exactly what it means. Of course, in its adjectival form, it can also mean “flambé”, as in “cherries jubilee”, and We think it would be a much more wacky, zany, madcap holiday if The Queen were (subjunctively) set on fire. Why, just the mental pixture of all those guys from the Beefeater™ gin bottle chasing her into the Thames is cheering up Our ToothDay morning immeasurably. Now THAT’S a parade!
In other news, the people at The Scooter Store would like Us to know that they “can get Us rolling again”. And somehow this information eluded Our spam folder. Seriously? Also, explain to Us how “as seen on TV” is some sort of selling point?
Today, of course, is Transit Of Venus Day, in which Venus moves across the sun for the first of only two times in this century. This will be the only time in Our lifetime that We will be able to witness said transit. Especially now that We apparently need a Scooter™ and all. As We mentioned yesterday, this asstromalogical event is being commemorated in Ye Historick Olde Philadelphia by a clown show entitled The Astronomer Collapses, which depicts the 1769 fainting spell that prevented astronomer David Rittenhouse from observing said Venutian Transit. When did We, of all people, suddenly become a clown show aficionado, you ask? We did not. However, Justin Bieber from Starzina’s Time of the Month Horosocpe: Pisces video (which see: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 ) was in it, along with another young gentleman with whom he alternated playing David Rittenhouse. And, while the garb may be colonial, the breeches are very fetchingly tailored, so there’s that.
(As you may have guessed, We are copying and pasting much of this information from yesterday’s e-pisstle. However, We have been asked, by Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know, to clarify just exactly what We mean by “fetchingly tailored breeches”. There was a dime in the pocket of said breeches. Not only could We tell if it was heads or tails (it was heads (heh)), We could tell what year it was minted. And We could see Roosevelt’s mole.)
Oh, dear…is he reading this? We may blush. Well, We promised We’d plug him…if you would like to see this 15-minute show for the low, low price of free, it is happening today, beginning at noon and at 5PM, four times in succession each. It is in Thomas Jefferson Park, which you enter on the east side of 5th Street, just south of Chestnut (the park is just south of the park that contains The Signer statue, across 5th Street from the American Philosophical Society Museum). Tell ‘em Starzina sent you.
(How many of you missed the entire last paragraph because you were digging through your change to find a dime so that you could look for Roosevelt’s mole?)
Speaking of plugging, obviously We shall also have to plug Ourself (isn’t that always the way? (something else, no doubt, that The Queen has in her purse)), the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. And We expect an enormous turnout in honor of the passing of the late, great Richard Dawson. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
But, more important than anything We have said thusfar, today is Marky Mark’s birthday! So put on your Calvin Kleins and come over and jump out of Our cake!
Here’s the HorrorScope:
You need to explore your world — your fierce, fiery energy demands it! (The Queen The Queen The Queen is on fire! We don’t need no water; let the motherfucker burn…burn, motherfucker, burn!)
(Did somebody think We wouldn’t know that song? We’re not in that damn Scooter™ YET, bitches!)
See if you can push yourself out into new places (It’s a Scooter™, not a wheelchair. Whore.)
and make new discoveries. (How many of YouPeople are still looking for Roosevelt’s mole? Didja know if you say “gullible” three times fast, it sounds just like “orange”?)
A romantic partner may cross paths with you. (We shall bate Our breath and wait. Or weight Our breath and bait. Now We’re confused…dammit.)
Someone from a different culture is piquing your curiosity right now, (Fucking foreigners.)
and you’ve got the time you need to explore their world little bit today. (Honey, it’s OUR world….We just graciously allow them to live in it.)
Taste the food of their culture, listen to the music, and visit a few websites to learn a little more about this culture’s history — you will find that there are some interesting facts that you never knew before. (That sounds an awful lot like work…can’t We just look at pictures of Marky Mark in his underwear?)
Becoming aware of how different people live their lives will help you feel more content in how you live yours. (And here We are, making all y’all feel better by comparison. We just give and give and give….)
Balance the extremes. (Not to mention the Supremes.)
If you’re going to stay up to ungodly hours doing the unmentionable things only singles do, (What are the chances?)
make sure you’re prepared in the morning. (Just call Us angel of the morning…angel.)
Keep your briefcase, keys, purse and so on in a central location (Once again, Our purse has gone missing. Also, We’ve mislaid Our so on.)
— easily accessible when you’re running late. (Honey, We ain’t running; We’ve got a Scooter™.)
(Also, if you can’t see Roosevelt’s mole, you’re probably looking at the wrong cheek. (Didja know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.