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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Chow down at Chick-Fil-A

Having made that Our subject line, right away We give you the video:

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SaturdaySaturdaySaturday  SaturdaySaturdaySaturday SaturdaySaturdaySaturdayNight’sAlright, June 30, 2012. (Are you singing that song in your head now?  Or, better yet, out loud?  You’re welcome.)  Happy birthday to The Lovely And Talented Willam, who is turning twenty-four today all the way out in Hollywood, California.  Swimming pools, movie stars. His pixture is today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Speak Frawnch To Me Tish Which Doesn’t Rhyme No Matter Which Way You Pronounce “Jus” But It’s Our Horoscope And We’ll Say What We Damn Well Please.

Willam, for those who like behind-the-scenes stories, is the one who gave Us the idea for the WaitStaff to play The Match Game : and playing it We shall be on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here (and if you haven’t read the fine print yet, you really should) and tickets can be gotten here: .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

That was quite a segue, no?  Willam once made a public appearance on a Segway™.  (See what We did there?  It’s almost as though We segued all the way around in a circle.  A segue squaredance, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about YOU?))

So…another half a year down the crapper. (That thought just came to Us, with no associated data.  So We just put it out there to hang by itself, and now We’re moving on.  (However, We are NOT moving on UP.  To the East Side.  To a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-hi-hi.)

(We just put that in there in case you were tired of singing SaturdaySaturdaySaturday…)

In a fit of bad timing such as can only befall Us Our Own Self Personally,  We had just published yesterday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope when We heard the news about the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes divorce.  It is, of course, old news by now, and all the good jokes have already been taken.  What you may NOT have heard, however, is that We Our Own Self Personally actually caused the split (inadvertently, of course) with Our recent re-publication of excerpts from Ms. Holmes’s diary here:  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad happens to be Tom Cruise.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Kelli confused Us with a pixture of Pamela Anderson, whose birthday is actually tomorrow.  But a little WorldWideInterWebNetzian super-sleuthing revealed that Willam does Cher his birthday with Michael Phelps’s Speedo™.  So there’s that.

Your aggressive nature is usually quite helpful — but on a day like today, it’s all too easy to take things too far!  (Who you callin’ “aggressive”?  Bitch.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Try to rein it in and make sure that your people are all taken care of.  (Even if We HAD these people you keep alluding to, We’re fairly certain they wouldn’t let Us put reins on them.)

(Note to Self:  new reality show: This Old Horse.)

Today, you will get the chance to pick up on a conversation you started a few days ago with a very interesting person.  (So, wait…people are actually going to talk to Us now?)

If you were not comfortable how things were left, (Just wait till you see how things were right!)

you’ll get your golden opportunity to rectify their impression of you.  (Yeah.  That’s what We’ll do:  We’ll impress ‘em with Our rectum.  (Rectum?  We nearly KILLED ‘em!))

 But in your quest to set the record straight, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)

 don’t try too hard. (Is it just Us, or is this all getting dirtier and dirtier?)

Any whiff of desperation (You’re still thinking about Our rectum, aren’t you?)

could be picked up by this person, (Did THAT come out of US?)

and it won’t help your reputation. (PPPFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT….)

(We’re pretty sure We’ve never typed a fart noise in here before.  (Actually, We still haven’t.  because that?  Was a queef.))

You’ve got it all under control, so don’t worry. (Find the keys, and We’ll drive out.)

Just be genuine and be direct.  (If We could just figger out how to fake being genuine, We’d have it made.)

Today you may feel more introverted than usual.  (Would that be extra introverted?)

Instead of forcing yourself to be around people, (There is precious little “forcing” about it…We are a VERY round people.)

go home and get some rest. (There was gonna be a “house a rest” joke here, but it died in childbirth.)

Your body and mind could probably do with a break from your active social calendar.   (Yeah.  Whew.  With all this activity, how DO We keep Our toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)

(Does anyone else remember that commercial?  Because the WorldWideInterWebNetz apparently don’t.  In fact, one of the only things that came up when We Googled the exact phrase  “toilet bowl clean between scrubbings” on Wikipedia was the last time We Our Own Self Personally used the prhase4, which see:  Sigh.)

Relax, rest and recharge.  (This assumes (thereby making an ass out of Us and Uma Thurman) that We have laxed, sted, and charged in the first place.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.