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Friday, June 1, 2012

It’s a very short road from the pinch and the punch to the paunch and the pouch and the pension

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 1th, 2012.  June Allyson is busting out all over for Depends™!  We’ve been waiting all week to say that.  Which gives you some idea of what kind of week We’ve had.  Not, of course, as bad a week as June Allyson has had, what with having been dead since 2006 and all.  Don’t you feel as though you’ve just seen a “June Allyson for Depends™” commercial recently? Do you suppose they’re still playing them, now that they don’t have to pay her residuals?  Inquiring minds want to know…

At least Elizabeth Taylor’s posthumous commercial appearances will all be for her White Diamonds™ fragrance.  “These have always brought me luck,” seems a much better legacy than “I just pissed my pants.”  But imagine that there’s a whole generation of people who will only ever know Elizabeth Taylor from those commercials and as Grandma Flintstone.  Sigh.  Old age…not for pussies.  For example, it occurred to Us recently that the students in the sketch comedy class We help MizGerreGarrett with?  All born in 1990 or later.  At least We don’t have to worry about dating any of them, as We now have a rule that We will not date anyone if there are things that have been in Our underwear drawer longer than they have been alive.

Well, that was depressing.  Let’s lighten things up a little by imagining Alex Trebek listing Jeopardy categories, one of which is “Things That Have Been In Our Underwear Drawer”.

That didn’t so much lighten things up as it did creepy them up, eh?  Moving on…in birthday news, Marilyn Monroe and Andy Griffith were both born on this date in 1926.  And, on a more contemporary note, today is Danny Zavatsky’s thirtieth birthday.  (Relax…We don’t know who he is either.  But We’re looking forward to his Depends™ commercial.)

So.  We just talked about nothing for four paragraphs.  And you just read it all. (Well, except for you naked skimmers.  (We can SEE where your other hand is, ya know.))

Speaking of nothing,  the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  Be there or be square.

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Use your social skills to get your way today (We shall use Our social DISEASE skills.  We shall pick crabs out of Our Depends™.  We shall have a crab boil at OurHouseWhereWeLive later on.  June Allyson will sing “This Was A Real Nice Clam Bake” from beyond the grave, until We finally tell her, “Shut up, you stupid cow, they’re CRABS!”)

(Talking about nothing is easy…We wonder why more people don’t do it.)

 — they can’t be denied!  (Also, for he’s a jolly good fellow, which NOBODY can deny!)


In fact, if you try anything more intense than a wink and a smile, (How ‘bout a wink and a wiggle and a giggle on the grass, and We’ll trip the light fandango?)

(Who wants to play Name That Tune?)

(Who wants to play What The Fuck’s A Fandango, And Can We Do It While Going Commando In A Winnebago in Oswego?)

(Hint:  the second game is more fun, and has better prizes.)

you may find doors shutting and people saying ‘no.’  (Who said other people were allowed to talk?)

Let’s get it started in here!  (It’s a little known fact “let’s get this potty started” was the original slogan for Depends™, until June Allyson refused to utter it on television, saying cryptically, “This isn’t a very nice clambake.”)

Today you will be very focused on beginnings  (A very good place to fart.)

— which is perfect, (Mmm-hmm.  Because, in Our universe, “perfect” happens.)

because the stars say that this is a superb time for new projects.  (The stars will, essentially, say anything you pay them to.  “This is June Allyson for Depends™”, “These have always brought me luck”, “A fandingo ate my baby”…you name it.)

(Heh.  “Fandingo”…We kill Us.)

Entertainments and social festivities are favored over business or educational endeavors; however, you will be able to get a lot of planning and preparation done on anything you start today. (That entire sentence sounded like a lot of work.)

Enlist the help of a friend who has an address book full of amazing contacts.  (The mind fairly boggles.)

Misunderstandings happen.  (And We don’t understand that.)

Making amends is easier than you realize. (Making the Amish, on the other hand, is damn near impossible.)

Remember to regard the other person’s feelings and everything will be fine. (Wait…first somebody let them TALK, and now they have FEELINGS?!?  The hell?!?)

Be sincere in your apology. (We are sincerely sorry that you have misunderstood Our superior place in The Universe and have thus egregiously offended Us.  If you demonstrate true contrition, We may allow you to be so fortunate as to attempt to make it up to us.  You’re welcome.)

(How wuzzat?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.