Totally naked, Bay-Bee, totally nude

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, January Seventeenst, TwennyFourTeen. Happy Birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Allen, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere out in Missininnesotana, which is, or so We understand, near West Wisconsonomington.  Whence Our actor-friend recently brought cultchah to the Sodomites, or whatever religious sect it is that occupies those parts.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who are NOT naked skimmers) will recall Allen from Our recent Picturing Allen And Kevin Naked Week back in October (which see here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-fking-matt-damon.html ).  The accompanying story being, of course, that We had in fact actually seen both Allen and Kevin naked in the same place, at practically the same time.  How it is that We never received the sexts We requested is beyond Us.

So, at any rate, Happy Birthday to Allen, and to Allen’s birthday suit.

Missininnesotana and West Wisconsonomington being geographically semi-adjacent, One wonders that Allen and Our actor-friend never ran into each other at, say, the Piggly-Wiggly.  Of course, they would have no way of recognizing each other, as We have seen one of them naked and the other one only not-naked.

(We’re gonna pause here for a moo-moo to give you a chance to see if you can figger out what the fuck We’re even talking about.  And, if you DO figger it out, to tell Us about it.)

In other news, We need you all right now quick fast  and in a hurry to get your tickets for  LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in Norristown tonight at 8, before they are all sold out.  We are very proud to have been chosen to be a part of this festival, and We want to see you there. 

Tickets are available at  http://thecentretheater.ticketleap.com/

Also, check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo)).

We are also currently in talks regarding appearances in Greater Bostonia; stay tuned for further info as it becomes available.

Our video (Capricorn, for you naked skimmers who aren’t paying attention) is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:    http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

         .

On repeat viewing, We must say that that particular video is one of Our favorites.  It has, over time, been somewhat e-clipsed by the artsy-fartsiness of Our French New Wave e-pissode:

…as well as by, naturally, The One With Justin Bieber’s Penis:

And now, the HorrorScope…

A whole slew of famous folks were born today, from Betty White to Jim Carrey, and Michelle Obama to Benjamin Franklin.  But who else is gonna tell ya that it’s Ita Buttrose’s birthday today?  Nobody, that’s who.

And now, as We must prepare Our hindparts to travel to beautiful downtown Norristown, We leave you with a reading from Madame Olivia. Who, you will notice has grown much less reticent about Uranus, and now uses phrases like “booster rocket of your dreams”.

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia is burning to share with you the following: she just dined in a restaurant where a charming server described a dessert as "sultry and comforting." Madame Olivia was instantly struck with the realization that so often this cunning combo is exactly what people look for in love objects! She entreats you to think about this when you approach candidates for your love. She senses that this might be the booster rocket of your dreams, relationship-wise. You heard it here!

As Uranus continues its travels through your sign, Aries, some important things are getting shaken up. Madame Olivia, admittedly not one to delay gratification, thinks this is an excellent opportunity for you to enjoy what the world has to offer and have fun. This is the kind of suggestion Madame Olivia really likes to make: revel in joy when you can!

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Domo arigato, Mister Roboto

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for TunesDay, January 17, 2012.  Happy birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today in North Dakota.  Or Minnesota.  Whatever…some Canadian province or another.  It’s cold there, and We are fed up to the teeth with winter.  The end.

We trust you all had a lovely Martin Luther King Day, and that all the Martin Luther King Day presents that you wanted were found under your Martin Luther King Day tree.  We Our Own Self Personally were thwarted from shooting the latest installment of Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope yesterday by the dreaded technical difficulties, and so will be shooting today.

Nothing is easy.

Except, of course, Us.

Meanwhile, We shall very shortly be contacting Our good friend Miss Manners to assist Us in delivering an epic smackdown to some denizens of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, who imagine that, just because We are only a cyber-presence, We are somehow unworthy of common courtesy and attention.  Stay tuned.

In still other news, Jim Carrey is fifty.

In still other other news, have you watched this yet?:

 And have you shared it with your friends?

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

And have you checked out the other videos? http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee

And have you joined the Charlene Tilton fan club?

 And here’s The HorrorScope:

You’ve got to deal with some serious business that only you know is happening — in fact, it might all be inside your head!  (Oh, good…imaginary serious business.  Like We hadn’t already made up enough crap to worry about.  Jeebus.)

Make sure that you’ve got the right resources to tackle all this.  (Well, since it’s imaginary serious business, can’t We just imagine that We have the right imaginary resources to deal with it?)

Keeping a tight lid on your emotions might be an effective way to achieve a cool and collected demeanor, but it’s also important to find time to feel your feelings — and learn from them. (“Feel your feelings”?  Seriously?

There was a young lady from Ealing

Who had a peculiar feeling

She laid on her back

And opened her crack

And pissed all over the ceiling.)

(In an unprecedented move, We should like to COMMEND Micro$oft Weird™ for recognizing that it should be “She LAY on her back”. We are not, however, changing it.  Limerick, vernacular, Hassenpfeffer Incorporated.)

(What?)

If you’re very happy or very upset with someone right now, you need to find a way to express those feelings. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)

This person needs to hear the truth (You can’t handle the truth!)

— whether it’s good or bad. (There’s piss all over the ceiling…which do YOU think it is?)

Shutting down and doing your best imitation of a robot is not going to help you move forward right now.  (We obviously know very little about how to make money in show business, but We are here to tell you that there is absolutely no market whatsoever for robot imitations.)

Subliminal messages could mean some heavy business if you misinterpret the signals. (Was that a fat joke?)

Unless you happen to be clairvoyant, (Or Claire Boothe Luce.  We always get those two confused.)

it’s easy to misunderstand someone who might be too nervous to tell you something directly. (Well, have ‘em write their message on the ceiling.)

 Watch body language for clues. (We thought they were speaking in tongues; turns out, they were doing the Hokey-Pokey.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

For some, it’s pills, for some, it’s pot, for some, it’s poppers and god-knows-what

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thank Dawg It’s Fried Eggs, October 7, 2011.  Happy birthday in advance to Josh, who turns twenty-four this weekend in The Big Over Easy.  (Sorry…the fried eggs got Us a little confused.)

We are still keeping it simple today, as We know how easily you all are distracted by shiny things. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has arrived (perfection takes TIME, Ducks) and you can either click to watch it here:

 

 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk

We noticed that nobody answered Our question yesterday, so here it is taking up space again for your ignoring pleasure:

 (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), parental guidance suggested (no, your parents aren’t in here), have any of you ever passed a Starzina video along to a friend who’s having a birthday?  Say, for example, you had a friend (We were going to be mean, and put the period there, but We’re trying to make a point) who had a birthday today; would it ever occur to you to copy this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEd2UNc29Sk , plunk it down on their SitOnMyFaceBook page, and say “Don’t say I never gave you nuffin’, and many happy returns”?)

We didn’t think so.  WHY NOT?

Meanwhile, here at Short Attention Span Theatre…oh, look; a balloon!  We got out of mocking Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) Our Own Self for exactly one day before Our brilliant scheme collapsed.  Sigh.  So now, the muumuu you’ve all been wading for : Wilfred Brimley’s high colonic.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You like to blaze trails (Okay.  If, by “trails”, you mean “Most Excellent Ganja”. (Drug jokes, for those scholars of comedy who are following along, work much better in live performance than in printed matter.  Just so ya know.))

-- but on a day like today, your leadership skills are better used to get other people organized.  (Oh, sure.  Like it’s OUR job to organize the damn Other People.  Lettuce just get out Our Dewey Decimal System.  And Our Chewy Caramel Sixpack.)

(Hey, if We were (subjunctively) actually high, We’d make even LESS sense.)

 You ought to be able to make a great plan come together.  (Right now…over me…)

(Speaking of high, that there was a little Beatles.  Beatles wobble but they can’t all frown.)

(What?)

Can you tell the difference between a real problem and an imagined problem in your life?  (No.  And that’s a real problem, We imagine.)

(See what We did there?  That right there was the Riddler, wrapped in mystery meat, and covered with an igloo.  Which is just another way of saying that Jim Carrey has a really large penis, no?)

There is a lot of drama going on around you, (Save the drama for the Dalai Lama.)

and it could be making you think there are dilemmas where none truly exist.  (Alternatively, it could make Us think there were dyslexics where neon unruly sexists.)

(Tom Cruise is one fucked-up dyslexic motherfucker.  We’d dill stew him, though.  (We put that in there just for Jill, who We hear is pre-gaming for Yom Kippur.  Hi, Jill!))

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because someone makes a lot of noise that they have an issue you need to help solve.  (Well, DUH.  We were not born yesterday.  (No, really.  Because We looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”.  (Also, We (vaguely) remember the day before that.)))

They probably want your attention, but you don’t have to give it to them.  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Focus on what you know matters, (Not on what you moan, adders.)

not on what they tell you matters.  (By Mattel™.)

(WHAT?)

No one can predict the future, (Then what the fuck are We listening to YOU for?)

 but you can help shape it a little by making the right decisions.  (And by wearing Spanx™.  Or do those just shape the past?)

This includes your romantic life.  (Jigga WUT?)

Don’t date the wrong person just to have a social life. (Wait…that’s an option?!?)

Design your destiny with smarter dating choices. (Fifty million grandmothers just started needlepointing samplers.  “Design your destiny…”…oh, shut the fuck up!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Everything is beautiful at the ballet

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 11, 2011.  A VERY belated happy birthday to Pat, who turned twenty-four this past weekend, a fact which We forgot to remember on Monday.  (Forgetting to remember: easy.  Remembering to forget: difficult.  Sigh.)  Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today, a fact to which We were alerted by SitOnMyFaceBook.  (We are, of course, The Queen Of Social Media, and you are cordially invited to kiss Our scepter at your earliest convenience.)

But enough of all these birthdays and such.  Whaddaya think this is, a horoscope or something? (We have been practicing Our American accent.  For when We become famous and go on the telly.  Hence the “whaddaya”.  How are We doing so far, Ducks?) We are, as of this writing, just NINE DAYS AWAY from an announcement of such earth-shattering proportions that it will, well, shatter your earth.  And change the face of WorldWideInterWebNetzian entertainment for, like, ever. (We have noticed that you Yanks use the word “like” a lot.  Totally randomly and inappropriately.  So cute.)  Our lips are virtually aquiver (get your minds out of the gutter, str8 bois) with the overwhelming desire (what did We JUST SAY?) to spill the beans early.

But no.

Moving on, as regards today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Marlene Dietrich As Rendered By Pablo Picasso, she may indeed be “a bag of trouble”.  Her eyelash glue seems to have glued her eyes shut, her lips are colored WAY outside the lines, and her hair appears to have been manufactured by Goodyear™. Add to that the fact that her mother has named her Syphilis-Gonorrhea, and clearly nothing good will come of associating with her misguided self.  But enough about McDonna.

Speaking of media, over the weekend, We watched I Love You, Phillip Morris.  Why couldn’t they have made this movie about ten years ago, before Jim Carrey’s looks had totally gone, and before Ewan Mcgregor had turned into Roddy McDowall?  We also, in a desperate effort to be cultured, watched The Black Swan (why, no, We don’t ever have dates.  How could you tell?), which only served to confirm Our belief that ballet is very silly.

On the subject of dance, however, today is also Martha Graham’s birthday, a fact which We would not ordinarily mention except that it is worth a visit to http://www.google.com to see how they have changed their logo in honor of the occasion.

It is also Hump Day, and We would wish you a happy one, but you never seem to include Us.

Apres moi, le splooge…er, le HorreurScope:

You’ve got too much to handle right now (Was that a fat joke?)

 — which is weird for you! (And no one can handle The Weird like We can.)

 If you can delegate, now is the time to pass along some of the detail work to someone you can trust. (Now re-read the preceding sentence, and change “delegate” to “defecate”.  Much funnier, no?  Poop!)

If not, get busy!  (Heh.  Poop!)

Scheduling conflicts may seem insurmountable today (What’s so difficult about scheduling some conflicts?  We do it all the time.)

— take a break now and things may free up, (Poop!)

(This is one of those days when We feel really bad for anyone who is reading Erix Daily Horoscope for the first time.  Not, of course, bad enough to stop saying “Poop!”, but still…bad.)

making a compromise possible. (Compromises are all well and good, but compromising positions are better.)

Be prepared to give a little bit more than everyone else (So what else is new?)

— your willingness to be flexible will be remembered by people who can make things happen down the road. (Our “flexibilities”…let Us show them to you.)

One of your most ambitious goals feels like it’s getting tougher today. (Honey, “impossible” has neither a comparative nor a superlative.  Discuss.)

(The preceding was deep, literary, and highbrow, in a desperate effort to atone for all the “poop!” earlier.  Our epic failures, let Us show them to you.)

It’s time to swallow your pride (If We could do THAT, We’d never leave the house.)

and ask for the help you know you need.  (We would, but people don’t return Our phone calls.)

You need to use your energy in your love life right now.  (Well, duh.  This doll ain’t gonna inflate ITSELF.)

Create some sweet momentum (Is that a euphemism?)

and get ready to meet someone amazing. (Grace? Kreskin? Racist?)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Then you career from career to career

Greetings, Entropy Reorganizes Introvert’s Closet---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 18, 2010 (Happy Martin Luther King Day, everyone! It has just come to Our attention that today is a day of volunteerism (who even knew that was an actual word? And yet, Micro$oft Weird™ accepted it without batting an eye (or crossing a T (or rolling a J)), so We have volunteered to write a horoscope, to entertain those poor schnooks among you who do not have today off. We shall save you some Martin Luther King Day cookies for later when you come over to exchange presents. We can’t wait to see what you got Us!):


(Meanwhile, courtesy of Our Robin, here's this: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/01/01/2009-the-year-in-painfully-polite-and-hilariously-hostile-notes/ )


(Ordinarily, people (heh), on an Eric’s Daily Horoscope Monday morning, We would be telling you all about Our weekend. But, in an unprecedented epipleptic feizure of creative enterprise, We wrote Eric’s Daily Horoscopes on both Saturday and Sunday of this weekend, leaving Us very little weekend remaining to talk about. (Which, come to think of it, is an extra special treat for those of you who are working today, and who only read Eric’s Daily Horoscope on work days. You’re welcome.) So We are going to tell you all about a movie We watched called Humpday, and thereby save you the time and trouble.)


(The premise of this offense against taste and decency (oh, dear…have We given Our opinion away already?) is “two str8 guys decide to make a g@y p0rno film”. Now, you could imagine how wacky, zany, madcap hijinks might ensue, if the movie were (subjunctively) made with Steve Carell and Jim Carrey. Or how a dramatic journey to self-discovery would win Oscars™ all around for Jake Gyllenhaal and Johnny Depp (We will pause here while MizCynthia locates the smelling salts (Hi, MizCynthia!)). This is not that movie. In this movie (which is so indie it was made by Indians in Indianapolis during the Indy 500), the str8 guys in question “decide” to make the p0rno to impress some hipster friends who are running a “p0rn-film-as-art” contest. Yeah, right. This would be your first clue that the script was written by a woman. And not just any woman, but a woman who clearly comes from a planet where there are no men. Because a woman from this planet who had a functional brain in her head, or a str8 guy, or even a g@y guy writing this script would know that, if two truly str8 guys are actually contemplating having s3x with each other, there had better be a big-@ss pile-o-money involved, or ain’t nobody gonna buy it. We’re just sayin’.)


(Can We get a “h3ll, yeah!” from Our str8 boi readers? ThankYouVeryMuch.)


(Now, having totally bungled the premise, you would think that MissWoman would at least have written a script. But, oh, no, MissWoman was too busy directing and acting in her back alley ab0rtion to bother typing anything up. Entire scenes, sez she proudly, were improvised by the actors. Please permit Us to inform you just how badly improvisation in any form sucks the sh1t out of dead rats. KThxBye.)


(Then, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) all bad enough, the rancid rotting cherry on the diarrhea sundae (that would be a word pixture that We painted there…you’re welcome) was the casting. Even with all the cards stacked against them, We could imagine Steve Carell and Jim C, or Jake and Johnny, somehow pulling this off (that there was a little pun for Our British readers). But, as you may have already guessed from the fact that MissWoman put her own self in the picture, William Morris and CAA weren’t exactly on her speed dial. So into the two male lead roles she casts the two men in all of Hollywood (indeed, possibly in all the world) that you’d least like to see n@ked and/or having s3x, with each other or with anyone else (with the possible exception of Nicolas Cage and Ben Stiller, but maybe that’s just Us). In fact, for the egregious offense of having appeared in this movie, not only should these two improvising @ssclowns be prohibited from ever being n@ked again, not only should they be barred from any future s3x act, they shouldn’t even be allowed to have p3nises.)


(So there. We have hereby saved you ninety minutes of your life. You’re welcome.)


Mercury is now going forwards again - which means that life should start to seem more straight-forward. (Actually, it’s straight-ahead and GAYLY-forward. (Is anyone else having trouble getting rid of the image of Nicolas Cage and Ben Stiller having s3x in a pile of backhair? Just Us? Alrighty then.))


There will be fewer people throwing temper tantrums and/or acting madly confused - gasp! - some recently-elusive people will even start returning their phone calls and emails! (We will believe that when We see it. Although We’ll be giving out some second chances for same later in the day, so be prepared. Yes, We mean YOU.)


For you, Mercury has been going backwards in your TENTH HOUSE (don’t HOLLER! (Holla!))


of career. (Well, We can name one indie film director who won’t be hiring Us any time soon…)


If you've been going round the houses at work, making silly mistakes, enduring upsets with colleagues or co-workers and generally wishing you could get away from it all to a place where you don't need to go to the office, that was Mercury retrograde for you! (Actually, that was the past six months. And this morning, when We woke up to p33 at the time when We used to have to get up to go to work, We were ever-so-glad to go right back to sleep. (After we p33d, mind you. (Which We got out of bed to do. (Just to be clear.))))


(Before We changed it to “p33”, We had initially typed “pee”. Micro$oft Weird™ wanted Us to change it to “peek”. The h3ll?)


Today as Mercury changes directions, you can expect one last blast of mayhem. (which will no doubt be followed by dismayhem. (Heh. See what We did there?))


And after that? (Apres moi, le splooge. (That there is a little French, for Our Sistah Ovella. (Hi, Ovella!)))


It's smoother sailing. (And, hopefully, crunchier peanut butter. Because choosy mothers choose spliff.)


(Why, no, We don’t have any idea what We’re talking about. Thanks so much for asking.)


If you've been rethinking your career strategy over the past few weeks, (Oh, dear. We have neither career nor strategy. Lassie, get help!)


it's almost time to implement your new plans. (To say nothing of Our new pants. (No, really…say nothing.))


Hallelujah! (Lovely. We say, “say nothing”, she says, “hallelujah”. Our world, and welcome to it.)


(YOUR-O-scopes. Now with 37% more backhair. (Eeeeeuuuuwwwww!!!):


http://www.humorscope.com/



cowgrass: a little dab’ll do ya)