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Friday, October 7, 2011

For some, it’s pills, for some, it’s pot, for some, it’s poppers and god-knows-what

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thank Dawg It’s Fried Eggs, October 7, 2011.  Happy birthday in advance to Josh, who turns twenty-four this weekend in The Big Over Easy.  (Sorry…the fried eggs got Us a little confused.)

We are still keeping it simple today, as We know how easily you all are distracted by shiny things. Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has arrived (perfection takes TIME, Ducks) and you can either click to watch it here:


 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

We noticed that nobody answered Our question yesterday, so here it is taking up space again for your ignoring pleasure:

 (Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), parental guidance suggested (no, your parents aren’t in here), have any of you ever passed a Starzina video along to a friend who’s having a birthday?  Say, for example, you had a friend (We were going to be mean, and put the period there, but We’re trying to make a point) who had a birthday today; would it ever occur to you to copy this link , plunk it down on their SitOnMyFaceBook page, and say “Don’t say I never gave you nuffin’, and many happy returns”?)

We didn’t think so.  WHY NOT?

Meanwhile, here at Short Attention Span Theatre…oh, look; a balloon!  We got out of mocking Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulations) Our Own Self for exactly one day before Our brilliant scheme collapsed.  Sigh.  So now, the muumuu you’ve all been wading for : Wilfred Brimley’s high colonic.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You like to blaze trails (Okay.  If, by “trails”, you mean “Most Excellent Ganja”. (Drug jokes, for those scholars of comedy who are following along, work much better in live performance than in printed matter.  Just so ya know.))

-- but on a day like today, your leadership skills are better used to get other people organized.  (Oh, sure.  Like it’s OUR job to organize the damn Other People.  Lettuce just get out Our Dewey Decimal System.  And Our Chewy Caramel Sixpack.)

(Hey, if We were (subjunctively) actually high, We’d make even LESS sense.)

 You ought to be able to make a great plan come together.  (Right now…over me…)

(Speaking of high, that there was a little Beatles.  Beatles wobble but they can’t all frown.)


Can you tell the difference between a real problem and an imagined problem in your life?  (No.  And that’s a real problem, We imagine.)

(See what We did there?  That right there was the Riddler, wrapped in mystery meat, and covered with an igloo.  Which is just another way of saying that Jim Carrey has a really large penis, no?)

There is a lot of drama going on around you, (Save the drama for the Dalai Lama.)

and it could be making you think there are dilemmas where none truly exist.  (Alternatively, it could make Us think there were dyslexics where neon unruly sexists.)

(Tom Cruise is one fucked-up dyslexic motherfucker.  We’d dill stew him, though.  (We put that in there just for Jill, who We hear is pre-gaming for Yom Kippur.  Hi, Jill!))

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because someone makes a lot of noise that they have an issue you need to help solve.  (Well, DUH.  We were not born yesterday.  (No, really.  Because We looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”.  (Also, We (vaguely) remember the day before that.)))

They probably want your attention, but you don’t have to give it to them.  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

Focus on what you know matters, (Not on what you moan, adders.)

not on what they tell you matters.  (By Mattel™.)


No one can predict the future, (Then what the fuck are We listening to YOU for?)

 but you can help shape it a little by making the right decisions.  (And by wearing Spanx™.  Or do those just shape the past?)

This includes your romantic life.  (Jigga WUT?)

Don’t date the wrong person just to have a social life. (Wait…that’s an option?!?)

Design your destiny with smarter dating choices. (Fifty million grandmothers just started needlepointing samplers.  “Design your destiny…”…oh, shut the fuck up!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.