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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Her name was Lola; she was in Showgirls.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toulouse Lautrec, October 4, 2011.  Goddammit, once We thought of Toulouse Lautrec, We had a whole riff planned on “who the hell names their baby ‘TooLoose’?”, which was really, really funny (trust Us), then We Googled his (TooLoose) ass on Wikipedia to verify the spelling, and it turns out that “Toulouse-Lautrec” was his damn last name; his first name was “Henri”.  Fuck Us up against a rock with a sandpaper condom till We scream out your daddy’s name.  Meanwhile, We do not often give kudos to Micro$oft Weird™, but We must say We are impressed that it recognizes both “Toulouse” and “Lautrec”, although “TooLoose” gives it pause.

That said, happy birthday to Our daughter, who turns twenty-four today in the credenza in the time machine in the credenza in the time machine at the Copa Copa Cabana the hottest spot north of Chiquita Banana.  Also, happy birthday to Jill, who, coincidentally, also turns twenty-four today.  Although not, as far as We know, in the credenza in the time machine in the credenza in the time machine at the Copa Copa Cabana the hottest spot north of Chiquita Banana.

Stop Us before We copy and paste again.

As We mentioned yesterday, We spent last evening in a focus group on hot sauces.  Naturally, We are sworn to secrecy on the exact nature of what We were focused upon, but We will tell you that one of Our fellow focusers was wearing a denim jacket with “Jesus Christ” handpainted on the back.

And now Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “focusers” is a word, while “handpainted” is not.  Our whole world is topsy-turvy, flopsy-flurvy, mopsy-murvy, cottontail, and peter.

In still other news, We had an actual inquiry in the comments section of yesterday’s Erix Daily Horoscope (the existence of which will apparently come as a surprise to most of you) as to the whereabouts of Starzina’s Time Of The  Month Horoscope: Libra. Just when We thought We were being taken for granted.  Those of you in The Business Of Show will understand Us when We say that it is in post-production.  Those of you NOT in The Business Of Show will say, “What the fuck is she talking about?”  Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, Elton John.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Chiquita Banana, and Elton John, all in the same paragraph.  Is it just Us, or does that sound like a really dirty sequel to Moulin Rouge?  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Slow down and take today one step at a time. (The way Our life generally goes, We’ll be taking it one evil stepmother at a time.)

Things are looking good for you in many ways, (As long as We avoid mirrors.)

but if you try to rush through your activities, (Or rush through your fraternities.  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

things are likely to get pretty weird pretty fast!  (Oh, please. “Weird” is way back there someplace.)

What moral sacrifices are you prepared to make in order to reach your goals?  (Three virgins and a goat.)

(Hmmm….that’s a rather promising start to a joke of some sort.  “Three virgins and a goat walk into a bar…”)

Thinking about these boundaries is important, especially today — when you’ll be offered a major opportunity that will involve an action that might leave you a bit embarrassed to look in the mirror. (Didn’t We JUST say that?)

You aren’t the type of person who manipulates people so you can use them to your advantage.  (Mmm-hmm.  And as long as We can keep faking sincerity, We’ve got it made.)

Keep in mind that other people — even your competitors — are human beings just like you.  (Except for the virgin goats.)

When you throw yourself into the dating scene, it might feel like tumbling into a shark tank. (We’re gonna need a bigger boat.)

But remind yourself that you can do this. (Why should We lie to Ourself, when everyone else is already doing such a good job of it?)

You have a lot to offer the right, lucky person. (Was that a fat joke?)

Believe in yourself and they will do the same. (It is difficult to believe in yourself when you know you’re imaginary.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.