Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for 30 Rock’s Tina Fey, October 20 2011. Is this thing on? Can you hear Us now? Happy belated birthday to Our Aunt B, who turned twenty-four on Monday. In other news, the world continues to get weirder and weirder, so We thought We’d better check in with all y’all, as We are well aware that We are your Beacon Of Normalcy. How We doin’ so far?
We are still unclear as to what caused the glitch in Our sitch yesterday (although We DO have a finger on the pulse of the itch in Our snatch (that there was a little stealth vulgarity…it snuck up on ya. Sorryboutit.)), but thanks to Our Daughter for her efforts to explain. We notice that the next holiday to arrive will be Monday’s Labour Day In New Zealand; perhaps you’d like to buy Mummy a new computer as a Labour Day In New Zealand present.
In still other news, it being mid-October and all, naturally We have Our nose to the grindstone, Our shoulder to the wheel, Our nipples to the wind, and Our tits akimbo working on The WaitStaff’s Most Spectaculah Christmas Show EVAH. It is SO spectacular that it doesn’t even have a name yet (someone suggested “Englebert”; that person will not be appearing in the show), but We did so want to give you the earliest available Heads Up (Heads Up WHAT?) to Save The Date: Tuesday, December 20, 8PM at Helium Comedy Club. You’re welcome, and see you there.
Englebert HumpADuck. (That just came to Us, and We didn’t know what to do with it, so We thought We’d just throw it out there. Because We give, and give, and give. You’re welcome, AGAIN.)
In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra continues apace; you can either click to watch it here:
or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:
And We did, in fact, shoot two more episodes on Sunday, one of which should be appearing anon. (“Anon” is one of those Shakespeare words; it means “whenever the fuck it’s damn well ready; wait for it, bitches”.)
Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that someone arrived on these hallowed pages yesterday by Googling “why did they take the almonds out of Rice-A-Roni™ fried rice”. Way to ask the hard questions, InterNetz Newb. Although We are pretty sure that, in these parts, We’ve only ever referred to it as “flied lice”. Also, We have had Our first-ever reader from Botswana. And no, We’re not making either of those things up.
In other news, We are supposed to be wearing purple today in support of the anti-bullying movement. (We are currently wearing Our bathrobe. And Our Tuesday panties. Neither of which is purple. (You’re pixturing Us now, aren’t you? Cheeky monkey.)) Although We are not in front of Our closet right now, We cannot think of a single thing We own that’s purple. (BOY clothes, Ducks; We’re not going to the Ack-A-Me in chiffon cocktail dress and pearls.)
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Jello™ wrestling with Genghis Khan versus Chaka Khan. With Bill Cosby as the referee. And LaToya Jackson as The Beaver. (Okay, that? Was funny on so many levels, We may not even finish this HorrorScope…JUST KIDDING!) Alternatively, The HorrorScope:
Make sure you’re moving as much as you can today (Do Our bowels count?)
— things are developing, (We were about to make a joke about trying to be positive, not bringing up negatives, then We realized that there is now a whole generation of chirren who don’t even know what negatives ARE. Sigh. We are very, very old.)
and you need to be in the thick of it all. (Was that a fat joke?)
Your great energy (Have We met?)
helps you to make the most of every opportunity. (Every opportunity, and its knockers.)
(That joke never gets old.)
Some folks have been eager to tell you how to run your life, (Really? Because We are fully dilated and wide OPEN to suggestions. (Unless they’re stupid. Or annoying. Or involve, ya know, CHANGE.))
but they don’t have as much insight as you think. (The blind leading the blind, the wined leading the dined. Kiss Us quick, We’re Stephen Sondheim’s hairdresser.)
Sure, it is nice of them to offer you advice, but no one knows what you need better than you do. (Johnny Depp’s home phone number.)
You are in control, (Not even remotely.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
so don’t hesitate to remind people of that fact. (He who hesitates, masturbates.)
If a controversial choice seems like the right move today, go for it! (Fine. If anyone’s looking for Us, We’ll be having an abortion.)
You don’t have to answer to anyone except yourself. (But if We answer Ourself in public, people will think We’re crazy. Especially if We’re wearing a purple chiffon cocktail dress and pearls.)
Take the wheel and keep going down the road. (That particular bit of advice will probably work out better if We take the whole CAR.)
Today is a great one to do something spontaneous! (Fine. At 2:45, We’ll do something spontaneous. What should it be?)
Take the afternoon off for some fun in the sun, (Or some pain in the rain. Or some blow in the snow.)
or plan an adventure with friends. (Yeah, that’ll work.)
Get involved! (Or get evolved. Or get revolved. Or get your tires rotated. (What does that even mean? (And why does it sound so dirty?)))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.