Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Moustache Montage, October 24, 2011. Happy belated birthday to AJ, who turned twenty-four yesterday. And happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today. On the twenty-fourth. What are the odds? (Y’all are still trying to figger out what a moustache montage consists of, aren’t you? Wankers.)
Here is this: http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/f40385dcde/titanic-s-final-facebook-posts?playlist=featured_pictures_and_words , which is much funnier than We are this morning.
And now, without further ado or Yvette Mimieux, here is the HorrorScope:
Put aside any selfish thoughts (No.)
and give your all today — your energy is much better spent on others than it is on your own stuff. (Oh, please. Who can afford stuff?)
It’s one of those days (Indeed.)
when you can rack up all kinds of good karma! (Like a chameleon?)
(Who didn’t see THAT coming? (Sit DOWN, Helen Keller.))
As uncomfortable as conflict can be, (It’s no match for sandpaper condoms.)
it is not an inherently bad thing. (Who let Martha Stewart in here?)
The waters that rush over stones are literally rubbing them the wrong way, but beauty is the result. (Put it in a fucking haiku.)
These polished, smooth stones are something more than they could be without a powerful force affecting them. (We said, “Put it in a haiku” because haikus are short. Unlike this metaphor, which appears to be endless.)
You are like one of those stones today. (Dear Lord Jeebus, make it stop.)
So when you feel someone pushing against your ideas, don’t discount that person. (Throw stones at them?)
This conflict will polish and improve you. (Polish THIS, Bee-Yotch.)
As hokey as it sounds, (The Hokey-Pokey really IS what it’s all about.)
a good poem can really help your wooing chances. (“Wooing chances”? Seriously?)
Whether you decide to pen your own prose or recite a famous sonnet, your intended will be impressed with your love for language. (Yeah. Because writing this horoscope every day has kept “intendeds” lined up around the block. Meanwhile, Our Google-O-Meter tells Us that this episode: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html of Erix Daily Horoscope is constantly getting an inordinate number of hits. Which either means We’ve gotten stuck in the craw of some automatic WorldWideInterWebz crawler, or else Charlene Tilton is sitting at home Googling herself over and over.)
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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