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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I’m gay

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tunisia, October 11, 2011.  Oh, please.  Only yesterday, YouPeople forced Us to locate both Ohio and Brazil, and now We’re expected to find Tunisia?!?  (It is a country, yes?  We are guessing in Africa, because that’s where WE’D put it.  Along with a whole bunch of other countries We’d never want to set foot in.  (How Chad got there, We’ll never know.  We’d certainly like to set foot in him. You just KNOW Chad was the quarterback of his college football team.  And still has six-pack abs.  With a tasteful treasure trail…)

Ooops; sorry. We forgot Ourself.  Once again, behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)).  What were We talking about?  Oh, yes; Tunisia.  We are, as We may have mentioned on previous occasions, somewhat geographically challenged.  Not as bad as some of all y’all, who couldn’t find Uranus with both hands, but seriously, Tunisia?  The hell? We are, naturally, familiar with famed Broadway choreographer, Tommy Tunisia, but that’s about as far as Our knowledge goes.

Yet another BRILLLLLiant Erix daily Horosocpe segue (what’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.), from famed Broadway choreographer Tommy Tunisia to National Coming Out Day.  Happy National Coming Out Day, y’all!  Love, Marcus Bachmann.

We would tell you that We are gay, in honor of NCOD, but We don’t know if you have your smelling salts handy, and We wouldn’t want the shock to be too much for you.

In other news, Our email this morning informs Us that We could earn $52,000 per year as a police officer.  Really.  We read the entire email twice, and it never even mentioned The Village People.  Imagine that.

In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has roared out of the gate with incredible momentum; perhaps We should ALWAYS make YouBitches wait.  Keep it up (that’s what she said) and pass it along to friends.  (Like herpes.) You can either click to watch it here:


 or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:

This just in:  in between prosaic fits of genius as We lovingly craft today’s epistle, We have been randomly surfing the InterWebz, where We just learned, via SitOnMyFaceBook, that the group with whom We were supposed to be performing this Thursday and Friday has pulled out of the show.  No word yet as to whether this means the show itself is cancelled (as We were the only other performer, and We only had twenty minutes planned, We suspect that that’s a big old YES.  (Please note that We are far from heartbroken; We would just like to know the answer, as We could then reassign Our Thursday and Friday nights.))

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Marcus Bachmann sniffing Tommy Tunisia’s dance belt…  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

Something new takes over your mental space today, (Could it be, oh, I don’t know, Satan?)

and it could mean that you’ve got someone new in your life as well. (How exciting!  Wonder what they’re up to Thursday or Friday night?)

You feel totally up to any new challenge, (Mmm-hmm.  We can barely empty the dishwasher.)

so embrace the novelty!  (“Novelty” is a novel word, no?  If one parses it incorrectly, it appears to mean “the absence of velty”.  Which is a fairly common condition.  Except, of course, in Tunisia, where they have veldts aplenty.  And hellzapoppin.  (We just Googled “veldt” on Wikipedia to be sure We knew what it was.  THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.))

 Too much physical activity might not be a good idea right now. (You heard the lady.)

You definitely want to maintain your exercise regime, (But more importantly, we want to maintain Our fascist exorcise regime.  The power of Christ compels you!  (Whatever happened to Linda Blair?))

 but you also need to focus on working the biggest, most important muscle you have:

(We’re just gonna leave a big ol’ space here, so all y’all can ponder on that one…)

Your brain. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!)

Give the ol’ gray matter a good workout by picking up a challenging nonfiction book, renting a documentary miniseries or engaging in some healthy debate with one of your intellectual friends. (That sounds almost as boring as “veldt”.  Meanwhile, the old gray matter, she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be , ain’t what she used to be…)


Balance your inner self and your outer self.  (That, of course, is a lyric from The Existential Hokey-Pokey, which may or may not be what it’s all about.)

The noise in your head is deafening today. (Sorry…what did you say?)

If you could only shut it off long enough to think straight, (It is National Coming Out Day….We can’t even think straight.)

you might actually meet someone or accomplish something. (What are the odds?)

 But alas, that just isn’t your destiny. (Way to poop in Our punchbowl, bee-yotch.)

Physical activity will keep the din manageable.   (What the hell happened to “Too much physical activity might not be a good idea right now.”?  Assclown.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.