Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mountie, October 10, 2011. Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to all Our readers who live in Canada. Especially the Mounties. (We just love a man in uniform.) And happy Columbus Day to all Our readers who live in Columbus. We have no idea if We actually HAVE readers who live in Columbus; We know We have Christopher, whose name is not Columbus, who lives in Ohio, but beyond the fact that Ohio is that way (We are pointing, for those of you who have difficulty viZZZualizing), Our geographical senses are not finely tuned enough to tell Us where things in Ohio actually are.
All of which brings Us to the subject of statistics. Our Google-O-Meter informs Us that, this morning, prior to Our even publishing this, episodes of Erix Daily Horoscope are being read by nine people in the United States this hour, and, at the same time, by nine people in Brazil. Where the nuts come from. (Brazil, of course, is down there. (We are pointing again.) We don’t know where things in Brazil are, either, but fifty bazillion Brazilians can’t be wrong.)
Also, one of this morning’s readers (possibly a Brazilian (alternatively, a German, a Frawnchman, or a Yemeni (or one of all y’all, but that wouldn’t be nearly as interesting))) arrived here by Googling “eric likes sticking sunglasses up his butt”. And no, We are NOT making that up.
Meanwhile, how much fun is saying “Yemeni”? Yemeni, Yemeni, Yemeni.
Here is a list of some of the posts people are reading this morning. We do so wish people would leave comments when they drop by to read Our archives, which are really Our little piece of American history. George Washington slept here, don’t’cha know:
Chock Full’O’Nuts™ makes really good coffee, and also was Our nickname in high school.
In other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has roared out of the gate with incredible momentum; perhaps We should ALWAYS make YouBitches wait. Keep it up (that’s what she said) and pass it along to friends. (Like herpes.) You can either click to watch it here:
or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: George Washington flosses for termites. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You should meet someone new today, (What if We meet someone new, and they’re old?)
even if you’re trying to avoid it for some reason. (How can We avoid someone We don’t even know yet?)
With your great, positive energy, (Have you met Us?)
you should find that you all get along great and break down barriers. (Wait…didn’t this start out as one other person? Who is this “all” of whom you speak?)
Do you feel as though you’re the one who’s always initiating plans with your friends? (No. We feel as though We’re the one who sends emails and SitOnMyFaceBook messages to people who never answer Us.)
If you think that nothing would ever happen unless you made all the arrangements and sent all the emails, then test your theory. (All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and thin again at the other end.)
Stop being the social director for your people, and see what happens. (We are pretty sure We don’t have people. If We did, Our house would be cleaner, for one thing. And a number of artfully accidental deaths would have occurred.)
Your suspicions will either be proved wrong, and you’ll get to take a break, or be proved right, and you may realize that you’re being taken advantage of. (We are thinking that, as Our Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), you should be able to tell Us which one it will be. Asshat.)
Now’s a great time to create some friction, the good kind, with someone, because baby, you’re ignitable. (It’s like that Katy Perry song: “Baby, you’re a frying pan…”)
Force eye contact with a person you’re interested in. (Now wherever did We put Our nailgun?)
Don’t limit yourself either — pick out a few potential targets and let the gazes smolder. (Ah, the old “smoldering gazes” trick. Not to be confused with the old “soldering gazelles” trick, which, while great fun at parties, tends to piss off Our PETA friends. You know, PETA Gabriel, PETA Frampton, PETA Tork…(did she say “PETA Tork”?))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.