Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThongDay, October ThongTeenth, 2011. (To all y’all out there who are currently imagining Us sitting here typing this in a thong, you’re welcome. To all y’all who saw the word (and We use that term loosely) “ThongTeenth” and misread it as “ThongTeeth”, We’re sorry. And also, OUCH.) Happy birthday to Catherine, who turns twenty-four today. And to Ross, who also turns twenty-four today, and who doesn’t read this, but his girlfriend does. And to Katherine Ross, today’s Gratuitous Celebrity For Indexing Purposes, star of The Graduate and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, whose birthday is actually in January, and who is SEVENTY-ONE years old.
There…that didn’t make any sense whatsoever, did it?
In other news, why did no one tell Us that the InterWebz are full of crazy people? Seriously. We know this will seem old-fashioned to you kidz, but if you want to talk to not-crazy-people, call their asses up on the phone. We have had no fewer than three actual, fulfilling conversations with other sentient beings on Our telephone this week. The InterWebz, meanwhile, are full of screeching, gibbering maniacs. Sigh.
Not to disappoint you all and hurl you into the depths of despair, but, as predicted in Our last episode, We will NOT be performing tonight and tomorrow night. Those of you who had already purchased your tickets and totally sold out the venue can contact Us for info as to how to obtain a refund.
How did all these crickets get in here, and why are they chirping so?
We just answered Our door, where the UPS lesbian gave Us a package containing a free bag of Chex Mix™ which We shall be paid money to consume. It’s good to be Queen. (It is not, however, particularly good to be Freddie Mercury.)
In other other news, Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Libra has roared out of the gate with incredible momentum; perhaps We should ALWAYS make YouBitches wait. Keep it up (that’s what she said) and pass it along to friends. (Like herpes.) You can either click to watch it here:
or share this link with your friends with Libra birthdays:
Speaking of Our videos, We shall be shooting the next installments this weekend. Since no one appears to have ever used Our mention of a certain name in the birthday wishes to pass Us along to a friend and claim they had Us mention that name especially, We shall be ditching the endless list of birthday wishes, and thereby shortening the things by at least half.
Mammy’s little baby lubs shortening, shortening, Mammy’s little baby lubs shortening bread.
Where the hell did THAT come from?
And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Colonel Sanders throws a Crisco™ party. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Try not to worry too much when today’s big obstacle pops up right in front of you (But if a big octopus poops right in front of you, be afraid, be very afraid. (Heh. Octopus poop…now THAT’S comedy. Ya know what else is comedy? The octopus wiping himself after he poops.))
(It is not everywhere that you can get free octopus poop jokes in your morning email. We risk the wrath of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Octopi JUST. FOR. YOU.)
— there’s not much you can do about it! (Hey, when an octopus has to poop, he has to poop. Are you gonna try to tell him no?)
See if your people can help you get around it, or just wait it out. (Again with this delusion that We have “people”.)
You’ve heard all your life that hard work pays off, but it might feel as though you haven’t seen proof of this in quite a while. (Ya know what pays off? The winning PowerBall™ ticket.)
Watching people get things that they don’t deserve — or worse, things that you deserve more — is becoming increasingly difficult to do. (Not really. One has only to open One’s eyes.)
Today, follow your sense of fairness, (We thought We smelled something.)
and you can affect the rewards that people including yourself will be getting. (We are hoping that Our free bag of Chex Mix™ doesn’t preclude Our obtaining the winning PowerBall™ ticket later.)
(Heh. This just occurred to Us…before it got here? The Chex™ was in the mail.)
(We kill Us.)
Treat others with the respect they deserve, (Somehow, We suspect We are not taking this the same way that Kelli meant it. Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
and the imbalance you’ve been feeling will slowly start to fade away. (Honey, We are on the imbalance BEAM.)
(We have no idea what that meant.)
You’re not getting what you’re giving — and you don’t like it, at all. (Set it to music and sing it, Sistah.)
Look at the company you’re keeping: you hang with a bunch of takers. (Wow. We sure hope Our friends aren’t reading this.)
(Oh, look; more crickets, chirping. (And one naked guy, skimming. (And a partridge in a pear tree.)))
When you change your homies, you’ll change your perspective. (And when you change your homos, you’ll change your periscope. (That was a little submarine joke. Four Our submariner readers.))
Stick with the winners. (Or the wieners. (That was a little dick joke. For Our little dick readers.))
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.