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Monday, October 31, 2011

Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Halloween (oooooh, scaaaaarrryyyy!), October 31, 2011.  Actually, the scariest thing about Halloween this year is that We are reasonably sure it was just August about a nanosecond ago, and suddenly it is virtually November.  We are not, how-you-say, amused.

Of course, the big story around these parts this morning is the arrival of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: SCORPIO video, complete with a Very Special Guest Appearance by boyband-heartthrob-turned-thespian, Mister Justin Timberlake, with his dramatic interpretation of a monologue from the sequel to the Oscar™-winning Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, which is cunningly entitled My Right Tit. This is not-to-be-missed, people, and please share it with your friends:

Here is the link with which you can do the aforementioned sharing thing:

 Your friends will no doubt be as amazed as you are about Mister Timberlake’s celebrity cameo.  Of course, SCORPIO being Our sixth installment, We are now being deluged with requests to appear by all manner of celebrities who are attempting to jump on Starzina’s bandwagon. (Ahem.)  But We want to hear from YOU, Our Faithful Gentle Readers.  Perhaps one of you has an idea for a Special Guest Appearance in an upcoming Time Of The Month Horoscope.  Do please drop Us a line or
leave Us a comment and let Us know.

In other news, there was some manner of glitch in Bloggonia, whereby Our Google-O-Meter™ would have Us believe that not a single living soul read Our Friday epistle. (Link to said epistle here for your convenience: ).  This seems well-nigh impossible to Us, as the self-same Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that forty people have read the infamous Charlene Tilton episode, and that people stumbling upon Us by searching “Charlene Tilton” continue to pour in.  So, if you read the Friday episode prior to reading this, and would be kind enough to let Us know, We are saying “ta very much” in advance in Our pants Judith Krantz Vivian Vance.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:  Justin Bieber’s manager says, “Vocally, his balls have dropped”.  No, really; he SAID that.  Now, if you can make it past Justin Bieber’s balls, here’s the HorrorScope:  (We, meanwhile, are wondering if there’s some way to go out trick-or-treating tonight dressed as Justin Bieber’s balls.)

Have faith in yourself — it’s all you need in order to get things done today. (See, sometimes people say “believe in yourself”, which is very difficult to do when One is imaginary… but this “have faith in yourself” business gives One all sorts of clever ideas.  We could found Our very own organized religion!  The Church of Starzinology!  And then, We could stop paying taxes!  And buy Our very Own Republican presidential candidate!  Think of the fun We could have!)

Your energy is just right for making big leaps (Really?  Not so much.)

and getting others to do the same. (There are, naturally, any number of people We’d like to tell to take a flying leap.)

You can do this, no matter how it seems.  (Impossible!  For a plain yellow pumpkin to become…oh, sorry.  You were probably trying to forget today’s second Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Justin Bieber’s Balls.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

The faster you try to go today, the less ground you’ll be able to cover.  (In keeping with Friday’s Pennsylvania Dutch lesson (see what you miss when you skip a day?), the preceding sentence is actually a much succincter (rhymes with sphincter) Pennsylvania Dutch adage, to wit: “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.”  Of course, if some of Us get any behinder, We won’t fit out Our front door.)

The stars are urging you to enjoy where you are in life, (That’s certainly what Justin Timberlake said when he was here.  Well, after he stopped laughing about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

and not to be too focused on the future. (Actually, I’m pretty sure he said not to be too fucked up on the futon.)

So right now you need to slow down. (Also, turn your head and cough, Justin Bieber.)

Just relax already!  (This space reserved for a “Justin Bieber prostate exam” joke.)

Spend some time today enjoying the material rewards of your hard work. (‘Cause We?  Are living in the material world, and We are a material girl.  However, there are precious few “material rewards” for Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope.   It’s a labour of love, people.  Especially since YouBitches won’t pass it along and help Us go viral.  (We know.  But, on the plus side, at least We had the decorum to put “labour of love” and “YouBitches” in two separate sentences.  (On the plus siZe, We are growing behinder by the second.)))

Take your car for a pleasure drive, for instance, or plug in your headphones and listen to a new album.  (Or juggle Justin Bieber’s balls.  (Hey, that’s every bit as likely as the other two.))

Sooner or later, you’re destined to find the best approach in seducing someone special. (Oh, great.  After all this time, We’re finally gonna have sex, and it’s gonna be with a ‘tard.)

But for now, practice your basic flirting skills. (Because Our basic farting skills? Are already honed to a fine point.)

Smile and let your charm do all the work.  (Wait a minute…We have charm?  It can do work?  Let’s send that mofo out to get a damn JAWB, already!)

(Halloween being half over already, We shall be spending the rest of the day writing a Christmas carol about Justin Bieber’s balls.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.