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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, November Oneth, 2011.  (And they say nothing rhymes with “month”.)  Happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today.  In KENYA, We-shit-you-not.  Yes, ladies and genitals, We have a reader in Africa.  Starzina Starfish-Browne goes Around The World, kidz!  Also, happy birthday to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.  In SUBURBIA, We-shit-you-not.

So We trust you all had a Happy Halloween, that your treats weren’t too tricky, and that you treated your tricks well.  The city of Salem, Massachusetts would like you all to know that it’s just three hundred and sixty-five days till NEXT Halloween.

In other news, Happy All Saints Day to all Our saintly readers.  In defiance of the back-alley abortion that has been the weather (and how good were We, not to so much as mention it in either of Our two previous entries) , We decided not to put Our heat on until November Oneth.  In defiance of Our defiance, We have now put Our heat on, and it is not so much heating anything.  Because what We need in Our life is another goddamn problem.

So thanks for all your responses to Our question yesterday; keep those cards and letters pouring in.

Of course, the big story around these parts this morning is the arrival of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: SCORPIO video, complete with a Very Special Guest Appearance by boyband-heartthrob-turned-thespian, Mister Justin Timberlake, with his dramatic interpretation of a monologue from the sequel to the Oscar™-winning Daniel Day-Lewis fillum, My Left Foot, which is cunningly entitled My Right Tit. This is not-to-be-missed, people, and please share it with your friends:


Here is the link with which you can do the aforementioned sharing thing:


Why, yes, We did just leave that chunk of text intact as it was in yesterday’s horoscope.  Since when did you start paying attention?  LOOK OUT!  Here comes the HorrorScope…

It’s essential that you make big plans today  (Well, We would be decorating Our All Saints Day tree, if We didn’t have to figger out how to get Our furnace fixed.)

— though you may find that others are doing the same. (Other people are fixing Our furnace?  We’re betting not.  Meanwhile, here’s a bold new business idea:  Rent-A-Husband.  No, it’s not prostitution.  It’s for single folks like Our Own Self, who have no goddamn idea how to fix a furnace, or Our bathroom light fixture, or any of the other fucking disasters in this HovelWeCallHome.  You Rent-A-Husband, he deals with all of your issues/toolbelts/repairmen, then you send him back where he came from.  Brilliant, no?)

That can be great if you’re all working together, (What are the odds?)

but there’s no way to guarantee that.  (Not only are We not all working together, there are clearly people out there working against Us.  Because ya know what?  You’re not paranoid if they really ARE all out to get you.)

You will play the role of visionary (Heh.  We are a seer, in search of a seersucker.)

(We are also a cunning linguist. “Seersucker”…We kill Us.)

in a familiar situation today.(We would call Our familiar situation “hot water”, but that would imply heat…)

 At first, things will be going along just as they always do (Badly.)

 — according to plan. (But never OUR plan.)

But when you have a lightning bolt of inspiration (Yeah.  THAT happens.)

or an odd urge (That’s much more like it.)

to try things a different way, (We can’t even try them the same way.)

go for it! (Go fuck yourself.)

You might find that this new way isn’t much better than the old way, but that’s not what matters. (What matters is that it’s exponentially worse.  Also, it doesn’t matter if We do something, do nothing, or alternate between the two; exponentially worse happens no matter what.)

What matters is that you believe in your ideas and are willing to give them a try.  (How plucky!  And spunky!  Did We not already mention, go fuck yourself?)

If you are willing, everyone else will be willing, too!  (Okay, all you wovely willing people…come fix Our furnace!)

Achieving goals may feel like an uphill battle. (We wouldn’t know…We’ve never achieved any.)

However, today your luck could easily turn. (You mean it gets worse?!?)

Use this opportunity to your advantage by taking a few romantic risks you’ve been too nervous to attempt.  (We’re pretty sure We’ve never dated a furnace repairman…)

Follow your heart.  (Oh, great…what’s gonna go wrong with THAT now?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.