Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, November Twoth, 2011. Happy Old Souls Day to all you old souls out there. And happy Hump Day, to all you young holes out there. Nat King Cole was a very old soul, with a very old hole, or three. He called for his pipe, and he called for some crack, and a bowl of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee™.
Nursery rhymes are stupid.
We are happy (!) to report that, after yesterday’s lamentations, We procrastinated all day about calling someone in to mend Our broken furnace. Late in the day, We were for some reason inspired to go to the thermostat and turn the heat off, then back on. Imagine if you will that that actually worked, and We now have heat. In the evening, We put Our Rent-A-Husband™ scheme into effect, and got Our bathroom tit’s nipple removed; this morning, We Our Own Self Personally reattached said tit and nipple to the ceiling and replaced its bulbs, thereby restoring its titly glow.
All of which causes Us to pause and reflect on several things. Number One, husbands come cheap. (Although presumably, sex costs extra.) And (B.), We shall be composing a Wikipedia entry which begins, “Sir Wilfred Titsnipple was 16th Century British knight who participated in the fourth, seventh, and ninth Crusades…”
Also, “titly” is apparently not a word, at least according to Micro$oft Weird™, leaving Us to wonder what exactly the adverbial form of “tit” might be. (We will leave you to wonder what exactly One might need with an adverbial form of “tit”.) The adjectival form is, of course, “tittish”.
You thought We were going to say “titular”, didn’t you? Turns out, you’re not psychic. For more on that concept, go here:
Here is the link with which you can share the preceding with your Scorpio-birthdayed friends, especially the tittish ones:
Our goodness, that certainly was a whole lotta stuff about tits! You’re welcome, str8 bois! And now, without Gerard Depardieu, the HorrorScope:
You hit a new achievement today (We KNOW! We hadda use a Phillips head screwdriver and everything! (How weird must it be to have gone down in history with something named after your head?))
— one that you may have been working on for quite some time. (We’re pretty sure that light was screwed up for the better part of a week.)
It’s a good idea to leave the celebrations for another time, though, as things are still quite busy for you! (One wonders just exactly how One is expected to celebrate Changing A Light Bulb. How, for example, did they celebrate such a thing in Ancient Greece, or Rome? Did the early Christians appropriate some pagan light-bulb-changing festival into their liturgy? Is the fact that Hanukkah is also known as the Festival of Lights of any relevance here?)
(We are NOT, you understand, just a pretty face.)
(Speaking of pretty, We saw an ad on the WorldWideInterWebNetz for some gym/fitness center that said, “Tired of being fat and ugly? Join Our Gym, and just be ugly.”)
It’s wonderful that you’ve got a new goal, (Are you patronizing Us? Don’t you take that tone with Us, Missy.)
and the stars say that you need to start working on it as soon as possible if you ever want to attain it. (We’ll take Whoopi Goldberg to block.)
The clock is ticking, (And the cock is dicking. (We have no idea. That sort of just sprang forth fully formed, much like Athena from Zeus’s forehead. Which, now that We think of it, must have come as quite a surprise to Zeus, to have a fully formed person spring forth from your forehead. Good thing he was God and all, or he might just have keeled over from the shock. Perhaps that’s why they ultimately had to put in a replacement God…old Zeus was probably never quite the same after that.))
(Religion and tits, tits and religion…never a dull moment here at Erix Daily Horoscope.)
and you have got your work cut out for you. (What does that even mean? If you’ve got your work cut out for you, that means someone’s already done some of the work, i.e. the cutting part. And wooden shoe rather have a job where some of the work has already been done?)
To get the help you need, find a few likeminded people who share your hopes and dreams. (How frightened would you all be if We could find a few “likeminded” people?)
They’ll provide the moral support you need in order to go the distance. (It’d be much more fun if they’d provide the immoral support. Not to mention the immoral support hose. (No, really…don’t mention them.))
Often, the best way to show yourself how capable you are is to let other people remind you. (Actually, the best way to show yourself how capable you are is to let other people do the work for you.)
What do you see when you think of your dating future (Hang on a sec while We scratch Our crystal balls.)
— a long line of losers or a soulmate worthy of wooing? (Must We do EVERYTHING for you? If you’re gonna alliterate, alliterate, ya illiterate bitch. It should be “long line of losers, or a winner worth wooing”. Jeebus.)
Think carefully about who you really need as a partner instead of settling for the first person who asks you out. (Oddly enough, We had a dream about that very thing the other night. And no, We can’t tell you who was in it.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.