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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Right, Humpster! Do your nasty thing!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thoroughly Modern Millie, November 10, 2011.  Happy birthday to Miz LOretta, who turns twenty-four today.  Our Gentle Readers who have been clutching their pearls in concern since yesterday over Our recent trials with insomnia can relax; We went to bed at a reasonable hour last night and slept the entire night through, without so much as getting up to pee.  (Which does NOT mean that We peed without getting up.  Sorry to disappoint Our watersports-enthusiast readers.)

In Our never-ending quest to give Our adoring public what it so desperately desires, We tirelessly review Our Google-O-Meter™ statistics to learn what, if anything, We could do to Build A Better Mousetrap.  (It just occurred to Us that “mousetrap” is an excellent euphemism for “snatch”.  (We threw that in because We noticed that Our prose was getting a bit florid, and We wanted to make sure the str8 bois stayed awake.))  In the course of this morning’s review, We learned that someone had arrived at these hallowed pages by Googling “humpster”.  No surprise there, as We have often used that word on the occasion of Hump Day.  Upon further research, We learned that Googling “humpster” returns 117,000 hits, and that these epistles do not appear in the first 100 of them.  We also learned that there is a song entitled “Right Humpster” by a band with the most excellent name of Cynicism Management, We had Our first exposure to the slur “your mother is a humpster in a dumpster”, and We encountered Our Erix Daily Horoscope New Word Of The Day Du Jour Ma Cherie Amour At A Quarter To Four, “fagnuts”, into which We are about to look further.

Knowledge is, as they say, Stephanie Powers.  (We have no idea why they say that.)

We have looked further into “fagnuts”.  Never mind. (We were naively imagining some delectable confection to be obtained at One’s local candy emporium. (What would Jesus do for a Klondike™ bar?))

Oh, are you still here?  Well, here’s this:

It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

Thank you so very much, and yes, that was a prerecorded message.  (Well, a pretyped message. (Imagine if, instead of typing this, We did it as a vlog every day.  (Don’t worry….ain’t gonna happen.  No way are We gonna take a pixture of Ourself looking like this, much less a video.)))

The preceding about the pretyped message was also a pretyped message. 

As was the preceding.  Also, the calls are coming from inside the house. And here’s the HorrorScope:

Finances are much on your mind today, (Our finances are all in Our mind.)

 which could be good or bad for you.  (Way to clarify.  Asshat.)

See if you can make the best of your situation, (Why does that sound so much like a dare?)

as your mental state is perfect for handling money and writing up budgets. (Actually, Our mental state?  Is Nebraska.)

Embrace the unpredictability of this day, (Hmm…if “predictable” is a word, why isn’t “postdictable”?  After all, many more things are postdictable than are predictable. For example, many of you are probably expecting a dick joke to appear here, but We are not that predictable.)

(Sometimes the subtlety and the nuance of Our humor impresses even Us Our Own Self.)

(This is not one of those times.)

and no matter what happens remain calm!  (We would, but now you’ve gone and used an exclamation point!)

The tasks you face may not be easy, (But your mother is a humpster in a dumpster.)

but everyone is rooting for you, (Everyone is rooting for truffles, fagnuts.)

and you can feed on that positive energy (The hell you say.)

to get the strength you need to make an impression. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Rich Little.)

Your heart is struggling with a choice — share your dilemma with someone who’s unfamiliar with your past, (Share Our dilemma?!?  What if We don’t have enough to go around.)

and get a fresh perspective. (Or a fresh persimmon. (We have no idea where that came from.  Also, We have precious little familiarity with persimmons.  Isn’t persimmon a Crayola™ color?  (We just Googled it on Wikipedia…oddly enough, no.  We wonder where We got the idea?)))

If everything in life were easy, (We’d get laid more often?)

you could never see the great strength you possess.  (Snatch this pebble from Our snatch, Glasshoppah.)

Brevity is an awesome goal when it comes to dating. (Mmm-hmm.  Because who doesn’t love premature ejaculation?)

 Instead of planning long, drawn-out dinners, shoot for short but fun-packed outings. (Insert “fudge-packed” joke here.  Fagnuts.)

Meet for dessert or breakfast — keep it succinct.  (Ah, yes, indeed…a romantic date at the iHop.  Gives a whole new meaning to “rooty-tooty fresh and fruity”.  (No, really…a WHOLE new meaning.  Think about it.))

Time management is all about strategy! (But Cynicism Management is Our new favorite band.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.