Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Chardonnay Day, November 11, 2011. Why aren’t there days named after people named Day? There could be Doris Day Day, Morris Day Day, Susan Dey Day, Sade Day…
But enough of this frivolity. Happy Veterans Day to all of Our veteran readers. (Has anyone actually been reading these epistles since 2001? We DO hope We haven’t been repeating Ourself.) And happy birthday to Our MizCathy, who turns twenty-four today.
Quite frankly, We have absolutely nothing to report, but We popped in anyway to wish MizCathy a happy birthday and to share with you all The Funniest Things We Have Ever Seen On The WorldWideInterWebNetz EVAH. Yes indeed, ladies and genitals, what follows is the funniest joke in the known universe; after this joke, there need be no more comedy ever, because everyone will have laughed their last laugh, chortled their last chort, and guffawed their last guff.
Now before We share the aforementioned joke with you, We feel obligated to warn Our Genteel Gentle Readers (do We HAVE Genteel Gentle Readers? And, if so, where the fuck did We get them?) that the joke contains A Bad Word. Not a GRATUITOUS bad word, mind you, because the joke indeed could not exist WITHOUT the bad word, but, nevertheless, it is there, and you have been warned, and here is some spoiler space in case you want to just speed on by the joke and the bad word:
Here comes the joke:
What do we want? A CURE FOR TOURETTES! When do we want it? CUNT!
All you allegedly Genteel Gentle Readers went ahead and read it anyway, didn’t you? Clearly, We’re stuck in here with a bunch of closet perverts. Well, don’t say We didn’t warn you.
Meanwhile, here’s this:
Share it with your goddamn friends:
And here’s the HorrorScope:
(When We went to collect Kelli’s HorrorScope, We learned that today is Demi Moore’s birthday. So, wait…she has seen Ashton Kutcher naked, AND she gets a birthday? Bitch.)
Life gets a little easier for you — and isn’t it about time? (It’s “about time” We won PowerBall™. Shove your “a little easier” up your giggy.)
You may find that your people are easing up in their requests, or that they are simply understanding your directions a little better. (Again with this delusion that We have “people” who “follow Our directions”.)
Whether or not you fancy yourself a ‘tech-head,’ you will be forced to deal with a lot of issues involving computers or machines today. (If this computer acts up one more time, it’s going in the dishwasher.)
These issues will affect your professional future — so if you are less than confident about your abilities in this area, it’s very important that you ask for the help you need. (If “Our people” would “follow Our directions” and buy Us the goddamn winning PowerBall™ ticket, We wouldn’t NEED a “professional future”. Asshat.)
You won’t impress anyone or learn anything new if you pretend that you already know how to do everything. (And who exactly will We impress if We pretend We don’t know hwo to do anything?)
Is it love? Probably not. (Well, there’s a cheery thought.)
Lust is more like it. (That’s okay too.)
Don’t confuse sex with love — they’re not the same. (How the hell would We know?)
You’re better off playing it cool for now and keeping your expectations low. (Didn’t We just go through this “expectations” business the other day? Dennis Day Day, to be exact?)
You’ll know where this is headed soon, but for the time being just enjoy the intensity. (Hmm….if there’s gonna be “intensity”, We should prolly take a shower first.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.