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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I’m in the mood for love, simply because Anne Meara

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Erection Day, November 8, 2011.  In between erections, get yo’ ass out and vote.

Meanwhile, We were tickled pink (heh) earlier this morning, when We actually made Ourself a couple of dollars telling CVS what kind of package they should put their nuts in.  True story. (Virtually everything We tell you in here is either a true story, or at least based in some sort of truth.  Oh, sure, from time to time We may engage in a bit of, shall We say, hyperbole, but that’s only because hyperbole is the greatest freakin’ thing in the history of the universe!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

We had a whole ‘nother list of crazy dreams to tell you about, but We forgot.  People say We should keep a dream journal…honey, if We kept a dream journal, We’d never get nothing else done.

Google+:  social networking for hermits.

Meanwhile, you will be happy to hear, We continue to be a delusional idiot.  Also, there are people whose mere existence on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, most especially on SitOnMyFaceBook, make Us want to punch them right in the trachea.

It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

Thank you so very much, and yes, that was a prerecorded message.  (Well, a pretyped message. (Imagine if, instead of typing this, We did it as a vlog every day.  (Don’t worry….ain’t gonna happen.  No way are We gonna take a pixture of Ourself looking like this, much less a video.)))

In other news, Gentle Readers arriving on these hallowed pages via “Charlene Tilton” Google searches continue apace, and the original episode of Erix Daily Horoscope with her pixture on it now has the most hits for a single episode of Erix Daily Horoscope EVAH.  Clearly, Ms. Tilton is Up To Something, and Hollyweird needs to sit up and take notice.  To the best of Our knowledge, she has not yet been signed to appear on the Dallas reboot…

But, soft!  What wind through yon window breaks?  ‘Tis Juliet’s moon, and the stupid bitch is farting out the window again. (Shakespeare, Shmakespeare…OUR pentameter is iambic, too!)  And now, the HorrorScope:

Your inner explorer is finding the call of the wild and exotic irresistible, so get out there and make a few discoveries.  (Kiss Us quick, We are Dora the Explorer.  (Which gives Us yet another of Our brilliant ideas… We are imagining an adult version of that chirren’s show, entitled Endora the Explorer , in which a lesbian witch in lavender chiffon tours exotic locales.  Oh, the places you’ll go! (Agnes Moorehead having departed for that great gay bar in the sky, One wonders who might be cast in such an epic…thoughts?)))

You might meet some new friends along the way, so stay open socially.  (We are WIDE open, and fully dilated.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “fully dilated” to “fully diluted”.  Really, Micro$oft Weird™…it’s only noon.)

There are personality shifts going on all around you right now, so get ready for some unpredictable and potentially disappointing behavior from some of your friends.  (Ah, but you see, We are becoming more and more difficult to disappoint, due to having virtually no expectations.  (No Expectations was, of course, the original title of that horrible Dickens book, until the hack realized that he was being paid by the letter and that, unfortunately for him, Pusillanimous Expectations didn’t make any sense.))

(It’s just ass-deep in highbrow culture in here, innit?)

The people who are always initiating new social plans are suddenly too busy to hang out, (So We’ve decided to start spending Our time with the people who are always initiating new social diseases.  (If you’re slutty and you know it, get the clap.))

but you shouldn’t let your insecurities tell you that they’re avoiding you.  (Of course not.  That’s what Twitter is for.)

While this phase lasts, you need to shift to your own life and your own adventures. (Should Endora drive a Ford Explorer?  (Get the art department on the phone, and see if they can dig up a lavender Ford Explorer.))

(Having never seen an episode of Dora the Explorer, We just went Googling on Wikipedia in search of characters for Our grownup version, Endora the Explorer.  So far, We’ve got Doc Martens the Monkey and Fannypack.  Naturally, We’d also like to see appearances by Uncle Arthur and Doctor Bombay.  You?)

You can’t always rely on other people to provide fun.  (Alternatively, that period could have gone after “people”.)

Whether you’re an amorous ace or a romantic rookie, (Seriously?)

you have one big thing going for you (Is this a fat joke?)

— personality.  (“But she has such a nice face”…it WAS a fat joke!)

It doesn’t matter where you’re at, (As long as you are fat.)

you’ve got this one figured out, big time. (Again with the “big”?)

So don’t sweat the small talk — that’ll flow like champagne. (Somehow, the inclusion of “sweat” and “champagne” in the same sentence is making Us feel all warm and sticky.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.