Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Turdsday, November Turd, 2011. Happy birthday to Sean, who turns twenty-four today.
We have absolutely nothing to report today. We woke up, exhausted, at 3AM, after a dream in which We wrestled a bear, or some equally physically debilitating and ultimately futile endeavor. We felt for all the world as though We had to let loose a fart of such cataclysmic proportions that both Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa would have been expelled from Our innards. And yet, We were not actually in gastrointestinal distress…it was more as though Amelia and Jimmy were lurking about somewhere they shouldn’t in order to torment Us. We did ultimately go back to sleep, but it was not at all restful, and We are, consequently, in No Mood.
Aren’t you glad We shared?
Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?
We would ask you all to share the following with at least one other person (or on, say, your SitOnMyFaceBook page) today, but We suspect you haven’t even looked at it your own self:
Here is the link with which you can share the preceding with your Scorpio-birthdayed friends. Because, ya know, you care about Us like that:
And now, without further ju-ju, Charlene Tilton as Amelia Earhart in The Jimmy Hoffa Story. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Your desires are stronger than ever right now, (Oh, We know! We’ve even named a streetcar after them.)
(That there was a little litter-hairy joke for Our theatre geek friends. You’re welcome.)
and you should find that you can get closer to achieving them without breaking a sweat. (Where’s the fun in that?)
Others may look on with envy, but that’s par for the course. (Really? From theatre to golf? We are fairly certain that, in the history of the theatre from the ancient Greeks forward, there has never been a single play about golf. (One of the aforementioned geeks will no doubt step forward at this juncture to prove Us wrong. Just don’t be mentioning Shakespeare’s early draft of Much Ado About Niblicks; he was drunk that evening.))
Your energy is sky high today, (Yeah, no.)
and your focus is razor sharp. (Which part of farting Amelia Earhart did you not understand? (We are now imagining a play entitled Farting Amelia Earhart, possibly as the sequel to Driving Miss Daisy. Ours, of course, is funnier, because it has more fart jokes than the original.))
(From the We-Are-Totally-Not-Making-This-Up Department: Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”. Kiss Us quick, We’re Joanne Worley.)
So if you have been waiting for a time to organize your life, this is it. (Oh, see. We thought We were supposed to organdize Our life. More bad drag…hooray!)
Make time today to clean out a closet, fix up the garage or just do that load of dirty dishes in the sink — today is the day for it. (Wow…a day like that kinda makes One just want to go right back to bed.)
You have a great ability to create order out the chaos right now, so use it! (“Chaos” is an odd word, no? It’s like the letters are all out of order or something.)
You will have fun with whatever method you choose, whether it’s color coded folders, alphabetical lists or complicated computer programs. (Why is it called “Obsessive-Compulsive DISorder”? They must HATE that.)
Dating the same bad types over and over? (And the same bad typists.)
Instead of going with your heart, lead with your brain. (It’ll behoove ya to lead with your uvula.)
When you find like-minded people you’ll have more in common than just the usual initial attraction. (Weren’t We on the hunt for these “like-minded people” just yesterday?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.