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Friday, November 18, 2011

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FryDaddy, November 18, 2011. So We have returned from two eleven-hour days of focus grouping, and have caught up on Our sleep.  Himself, meanwhile, posted the following on a messageboard he frequents, almost as though HE were (subjunctively) the one who had gone ficus groping.  And We quote:

So I had my Very First Ever (well, okay since college) Falling Down In Public Episode today. And before anyone says "Long Island Iced Tea", no liquor was involved.

I was doing some business (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) in a Center City Philadelphia high-rise office building with a MARBLE FLOOR in the foyer. It rained today here, and I was returning from a break.

Having been mercifully away for awhile from Corporate America, I headed for my objective (the elevators) instead of checking in with the SecuriNazis; a SecuriNazi called out to me and, the next thing I knew, my feet went out from under me on the very slick floor, I was ass over tea kettle, and struck my temple (very hard, I might add) on the aforementioned marble floor.

In the blink of an eye, I changed from a security risk to a lawsuit threat. BottomOfTheTotemPoleSecurityNazi wouldn't even let me get up. Or tell me if I was bleeding. (I wasn't.) An actual medical doctor happened by, and asked me if I knew the date and the year, then sheared off when it became clear to him (his words) "there's nothing billable here".

BottomOfTheTotemPoleSecurityNazi's boss showed up and took my name, address, (and ACTUAL age...I didn't want to be accused of brain damage)...they both kept asking me if I wanted paramedics or 911...what I mostly wanted was to get up off the fucking floor.

My takeaway:

Don't fall down in public.

Also, if I wake up dead tomorrow, I *OWN* that building, right? 

Yeah, dream on, Fat Boy.

In other news, in addition to Our freckles gripe paycheck (We are obviously working up to an autocorrect joke.  Unfortunately, We have no clue what the punchline is.), We won twenty-five dollars for being randomly chosen from the group of people who showed up early as instructed.  We have also been sent free cash to induce Us to shop at two of Our favorite stores (but without any strings attached to make Us spend MORE than the cash they sent).We have also won two free tickets to a play.

Clearly, something terrible is about to happen.

Before it does, you can pick up your tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas.)   here:  

Alternatively, here’s this:

Share it with your goddamn friends already:

And now, Charlene Tilton in the new musical version of Little Women, entitled Little Women With Big Tits.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

This is a time for prudence (Why would anyone actually name a child “Prudence”?  You’re just kind of guaranteeing that she’ll never get laid.)

and slow thinking, (Oh, yay!  It’s ‘Tard Day!  Everybody talk like ‘tards!)

(The preceding would have been a lot funnier if this were (subjunctively) a vlog instead of a blog.  (Didja know that We vlog?  Did it ever occur to you to share it with your friends?  Here’s that link again:
 (We realize that the reason you may not be sharing it with your friends may be that you don’t have any friends.  But, hey.  Anything could happen.  We won two contests this week.  You could make a friend at any moment.   It’s not likely, being the naked skimmers that you are, but it could happen.)))

not for jumping ahead of yourself.  (Games That One Person Cannot Play:  Leapfrog.)

Make sure that your energy is spent on the right activities, as you don’t want to overwhelm yourself or your people.  (Again with this delusion of Our having “people”.  Also, in order to be overwhelmed, wouldn’t One have to be whelmed in the first place?)

Despite the plethora (“Plethora”?)

of tempting invitations being tossed your way lately, (We are fairly sure that “go fuck yourself” doesn’t count as an invitation.)

it’s in your best interest for you to slow down. (“Plethora” is funnier if you say it like a ‘tard.)

Even a quiet night out might turn into a crazy adventure (Movie mash-up:  PeeWee’s Big Poseidon Adventure.)

— and a foggy and unproductive morning full of regret. (Which, oddly enough, was Our nickname in high school.)

Your social life is definitely taking a back seat right now, (To Our antisocial life?)

but that’s for the best. (Are you sure it’s not for the antibest?)

Some social tension could boil over into a romantic turf war, (Or a romantic surf and turf war.  Which would be, essentially, a waste of good steak and lobster.)

and you don’t want to be around to catch any friendly fire.  (However, We wouldn’t say “No” to a friendly fireman.)

 You may feel like you want to skip over the mundane aspects of your life in order to get to the good stuff more quickly.  (Wait…there’s good stuff?)

Try not to rush ahead; living in present is important. (Wait…there are presents?)

Think of it as laying a good foundation for your future. (Wait…”laying”?)

Take your time, and savor each day. (YAY!  ‘TARD DAY!!!)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.