Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monte Hall, November 21, 2011. Happy Birthday to all you Birthday Havers who are Having Birthdays out there in Birthday-Having Land. We know We wished a number of you Happy Birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook, but We suspect that you are not amongst those who are reading here. (Who, We are told, are both very nice. (We would put out a call for pictorial proof of the rest of you nakedly skimming, but (A.) you’d probably skim right past it and (2.) We’re not entirely certain We’d want to see you naked. (Please note that the preceding does not apply to those naked skimmers whom We have already seen naked, whom We would cheerfully see naked again. A little naked nostalgia, if you will. (Ooops…did We say “little”? We didn’t mean it like that. (We were just compelled, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, to go and count up Our Gentle Readers whom We have seen naked. Amongst those of you who receive email notifications of these epistles, that would be thirteen of you. Somehow, We are fairly sure that that cannot possibly bode well.))))
By “wishing people a happy birthday on SitOnMyFaceBook”, We mean, of course, dropping the following on their page:
If you have friends with birthdays today, why’n’tcha share it with them? (Today is the last day on which you can do so, unless you know for a fact what sign they claim to be, as tomorrow is Cusp Day, when, depending on which year they were born, they might be either Scorpios or Sagittarians. (The following day is Quisp™ Day, on which We all sit around in Our Scooby-Doo™ jammies and eat defunct breakfast cereal. (The day after that is Thanksgiving, which is followed by Black Friday, Mulatto Saturday, and Mocha Chocolotta Ya-ya Creole Lady Marmalade Sunday. We should point out at this juncture that, on almost all of the aforementioned Days Of Your Lives, there will be no Erix Daily Horoscope, so savor your naked skimming while you can.)))
Here’s that link for sharing, in case the preceding got you confused:
Meanwhile, We would like to thank you all for the concern you expressed on the occasion of Our accident, which We told you about on Friday. Clearly, We are destined to be that old lady on the floor who’s talking into her necklace under the delusion that she’s actually telling someone “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. You, of course, are her family who has, unbeknownst to her, let her Medic-Alert™ subscription lapse. Hilarity ensues.
(We were just proofreading (unlike that Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli), and noticed that We had mistyped “who has” as “whohas”. Which is, of course, a misspelling of “hoo-has”. All of this talk of naked skimming clearly has Us in a dither.)
On the off chance that We make it up off the floor, We will be doing two shows in December. You can pick up your tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas.) here: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/897 .
And now, Charlene Tilton. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
(See, the naked skimmers have no idea why that was funny.)
Now is a great time to get things started (The Addams Family, as you know, started when Uncle Fester farted. Because We? Are twelve.)
— you’ve got more energy than you know what to do with, (Have We met?)
and things are lining up to make anything you launch today into something really awesome. (Lynch…gruesome…lunch….threesome…nope, We got nothin’.)
Now is a good time to think about renewal in your life. (Because We are a library book?)
A few old relationships that you may think are gone actually still have plenty of life left in them. (As We said earlier, keep those naked skimmer pictures coming!)
Take a chance and send out a feeler or two today, (Heh.)
in the form of either an email or a phone call. (Oh.)
You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. (Was that a fat joke? Because it sounded a lot like a fat joke.)
Growth is a powerful force, (It WAS a fat joke.)
so spend some time nurturing something in your life — whether it’s a plant, a person or just a wacky idea. (Perhaps a wacky plant…or weed, if you will.)
Make things grow today! (Sit on a naked skimmer’s lap!)
All may not be fair in love and war, but the least you can do is allow for a fair fight. (But you just said all was NOT fair in…oh, never mind.)
Arguments help you understand another point of view. (No, arguments help you figger out who’s stupid enough to disagree with you. DUH.)
However, drudging up the past without warning is hitting below the belt. (“Drudging”? Seriously? And yet, We are an editor with no job. Gah.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.