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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Over the river and Natalie Wood

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, November 22, 2011.  As you can see, We’ve just popped in to share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius edition with you.  (Click on the pic, in case you hadn’t figgered that out.) Other than that, We’ve got nothing to report.  So much to do, so little thyme.  To say nothing of parsley, sage, and Rosemary’s Baby.  Speaking of Mia Farrow, her all-growed-up son by Woody Allen is in the news…ROWRRRR!!!  How did THAT happen?

Was that scattered enough for you?  Good thing We’re not in charge of stuffing the turkey…there’s no telling WHAT might end up in there.

Here is the link, in case you are inclined (plainly) to share and share a leak:

The funny is just coming too fast and furious in here this morning for Us to stop and explain it to you.  Meanwhile, Our future ex-husband Rosemary’s Baby is named Ronan Farrow.  He is a Rhodes Scholar.  On the plus side, he works for Hillary Clinton.  On the minus side, Our father-in-law will be Woody Allen.  (We should point out at this juncture that We have never shared Our fellow intelligentsians’ hard-on for Woody Allen, whom We have always found annoying at best.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.  (Especially if your dad is named Ronan Farrow. (By the time We’re through with this boy, he’ll be as popular as Charlene Tilton.)))

But enough of this frivolity; We have yams to cram. Here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas)  :  .  And here’s the HorrorScope:

You don’t really need to tackle your own big business, right?  (We’d be lucky to tackle Our own monkey business.)

See if you can lend a hand when it’s needed, (Straightaway, here’s the sound of one hand clapping.)

(And here’s the sound of one hand spanking the monkey.)

(Could you tell the difference?)

(Is it live, or is it Memorex™?)

(And how many of you are actually imagining Us spanking the monkey?)

as the people in your life could really use your unique talents.  (Ah, yes, spanking the monkey till it shines.  (Get it?  Monkeyshines!  Monkey pee, monkey poo.  (Hey, We won’t be epistling on all y’all again till Monday…We’ve gotta leave an impression.  (We wouldn’t want to be accused of epistling in the wind.  After all, We’re not just epistling Dixie.))))

Go for it! (Go fuck yerself!)

Listen to dissenting voices today, especially if they suggest that you should give instead of take. (We do everything The Voices tell Us to do.)

Now it is strategically wise to reveal your more selfless side. (Now We’re scared…if Ourself isn’t on that side, WHO IS???)

If you focus too much on what you want, (We might accidentally get it?)

 you’re going to send the wrong message to the people who are watching you right now.  (But if they don’t know what We want, how can they possibly give it to Us?)

Devote a little more time to helping others  (Oh, see, now.  We KNOW that’s wrong.  Because They always say, “God helps those who help themselves.”  Which is why We always help Ourself to another helping.  As you can see from the size of Our ass.  (Actually, you can’t see it in Our video, as We have a briLLLiant  cinematographer who always keeps Our ass (and the wheelbarrow that it’s trundled about in) tastefully off camera.  Cheers, Ducks.))

— ask around and find out who could use an extra set of hands.  (It only takes one hand to spank a monkey.  Who needs his monkey spanked?  Ronan, is that you?)

Even if you aren’t exactly in a giving mood, (We are in a SpanksGiving mood.)

you’ll change your tune once you dig in.  (Yes, We shall.  We shall change from “Epistling Dixie” to “It’s Raining Men”.)

Using your charms to get your way will work wonders today, (Now where did We put Our fucking charms? (Always after me fucking charms, they’re practically meretricious.))

yet being sincere (Jigga WHAT?)

when asking for help gets your request moving along a lot quicker.  (As does a tasty high-fiber cereal.)

Be sure not to overtly flirt for favors. (But if We COvertly flirt, however shall they know that We’re doing it?)

That’s just tacky! (We are wearing a purple turban festooned with a rhinestone star that We bought at the CVS, blue eyeshadow, and plastic pearls from the dollar store.  We hardly need YOU to define “tacky” for Us.)

Happy Turkey, everyone!

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.