Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! We’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

             

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 12^rd  , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound, attempting to pronounce “12^rd” .)

Whoa…acid flashback!

So it appears that We have once again been remiss (Word Nerd Alert:  shouldn’t the “re-“ in “remiss” take care of the “once again” part?) in relying solely on SitOnMyFaceBook to inform Us of Our Gentle Readers’ birthdays, and, consequently, completely missed OurMizLOretta’s birthday on Sunday.  She turned, We know you will be surprised to hear, twenty-four, Somewhere In Suburbia.  So Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizLOretta.

Happy Actual Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin, Ethan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere in the wilds of Northern New Jersey, which is almost New York, but isn’t.

 Also, Happy Actual Birthday to Lisa, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Hampshire.  (New Hampshire, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are geographically challenged (much like Our Own Self)  is That State In New England That, Once You’ve Picked Out Maine, Massachusetts, And Connecticut, And Realized That You’ve Overlooked Rhode Island Again, Isn’t Vermont.)

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Actual Birthday to Miss Liz, who turns twenty-four today, mercifully right here in The City That Loves You(On Your) Back, so We don’t have to do any more geography.

Apparently, We slept through the first snowflakes of the season earlier, and the less said about THAT, the better.

Shortly after getting up, We received a text which said, and We quote: “M km, tzxs.”  So thanks for clearing THAT up.

We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

https://www.facebook.com/events/596376880428754/ .

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

The Biggest Waste Of Space In Hollywood, Miss Anne Hathaway’s birthday is today.  Also, Charles Manson. (Newer Gentle Readers may wish to peruse Our review of Miss Anne Hathaway’s Oscar™-winning performance here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/02/everybody-raise-glass-raise-it-up.html (You ARE all mentally saying “Miss Anne Hathaway” as though it were (subjunctively) “Miss Jane Hathaway”, aren’t you?))

It’s a good day to help out around the office or at home — you are better off assisting others than tackling your own projects.  (Which, since We are all alone here, would appear to mean that We should go directly back to bed.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Things are just about to change, (And, proverbially, the more they do that, the more they’ll stay the same.  Is puzzlement.)

though, so don’t get in too deep!  (How deep exactly is too deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It’s much better to run the risk of looking a bit naive in the beginning than end up feeling entirely clueless.  (For some reason, We have just imagined a news program entitled Naïve At Five.  Which is wrong on any number of levels, and yet right as well.)

You tend to get frustrated  when you don’t know exactly what’s expected of you. (The period in that sentence works equally well after “frustrated”.)

If the person giving you directions or instructions isn’t being clear about what your role is, (So wait…We AREN’T the very model of a modern major general?)

(We could tell that what you were all thinking was that this horoscope could use some Gilbert and Sullivan.  (Little did We know that you actually meant SARA Gilbert and ED Sullivan.))

don’t hesitate to speak up (WOOF!)

(We’re a woofer, not a tweeter.)

and let them know you need clarification.  (More and more lately, We need Aunt Clarification.)

Visions of the future don’t just happen in fiction!  (Visions of the fiction, on the other hand, happen only in the future.)

(Also, the plane in Bahrain lands mainly on Miss Jane.)

(No, We DON’T have any idea what We’re talking about…what was your first clue?)

If you find yourself having extremely vivid dreams over the next few days, pay careful attention.  (We had a dream last night that had Bill Cosby in it.  We have no idea why.  He wasn’t nearly as old and cranky as he actually is.)

If your latest crush shows up in them, it’s likely that they’re about to make an appearance in your waking life.  (Which is, of course, not to be confused with “your wanking life”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

That's because he's smarter than the average bear.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday, January 16, 2013.  (Wasn’t it just Wednesday recently?  Like about a week ago?  Funny, that.  Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: you wouldn’t think she was the type of girl to have learned to shoot ping-pong balls out of THERE”.)  Happy Hump Day, or, as Theda Bara once said, “It’s like déjà vu all over again”.  Silent fillum aficionados will recall that she said that in a silent fillum in which she stole a picnic basket.   We cannot, unfortunately, recall the name of said silent fillum at the moment, but perhaps one of Our Gentle Readers will refresh Our memory.

Urban Dictionary just informed Us of this: Studies show that people are 72.9% more likely to believe sentences that start with “Studies show…”.  Also, 84.3 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.

So, speaking of fillums, we are supposed to be speaking of fillums.  In fact, We have been threatening to speak about fillums for two days now.  We have been a proud union member of the American Federation of Television  and Radio Artists (AFTRA) for many years now.  In 2012, AFTRA merged with the Screen Actors’ Guild (SAG), so now We are a proud member of that, as well.  And, just recently, DVDs have started appearing in Our post…in anticipation of the upcoming SAG Awards, We are being sent copies of fillums in current release For Our Consideration.

We would like to draw your attention to one fillum in particular:  Silver Linings Playbook.  We aren’t going to tell you anything about it, as We knew nothing about it when We sat down to watch it, except that Robert DeNiro was in it, as was Bradley Cooper, although We weren’t entirely sure who Bradley Cooper was.  But we shall tell you that you must see this fillum at your first opportunity, and We do not think Our opinion was in any way influenced by the presence of An Attractive Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team.  And naturally, YouPeople always do everything We tell you to.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

In other fillum news unrelated to Our Consideration For The SAG Awards, We attempted to slog through whatever the latest Batman atrocity is called (The Dark Knight Does Something Allegedly Different Than The Crap He Did In The Previous Atrocity ?). Unfortunately, Christian Bale is no more Batman than We are, there was some animatronic supervillain with an unexplained metal face, and not even the presence of Our future ex-husband Joseph Gordon-Levitt could get Us through more than forty-five minutes of this three-hour abortion.

On a positive note, We highly recommend Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs.

See?  That wasn’t nearly as painful as you thought it would be.  And We know all y’all just can’t wait till We’ve seen Les Miz.

And here are the HorrorScopes:

In other news, what could possibly go wrong on Ethel Merman’s birthday?  (Please don’t answer that.)

This is not the best day to start something new — especially if any paperwork needs to be signed!   (What Kelli is probably trying to tell Us is that Mercury is in retrograde.  Which might be easier to say by saying, say, “Mercury is in retrograde”.  AssHat.)

(This just in:  apparently, Conrad Bain just died at 89.  Consequently, here’s this (which IS safe for work):

)

Just try to push things forward one more day so you can review and get a better sense of what’s expected of you.   (Wait…We’re expecting?  So THAT explains why nothing fits!  The old Immaculate Contraption trick.)

 Negative energy has been growing in your social circle, and today it will still be unclear as to what you can do to fix it.  (Something was unclear yesterday as well, wasn’t it?  There are only so many times We are willing to do the same damn joke, Kelli.  (Fortunately, We have yet to reach the limit of however many times that is.))

You need to stop examining the tension so closely and try to put it out of your mind.   (Mmm-hmm.  Like if We say, “don’t think about pink elephants”, what’s the first thing you’re gonna think about?  ExACTly.)

Let this problem unravel. (Or knot.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

 A solution will reveal itself on its own timetable.  (We have a coffeetable, but no endtables.  Where the hell is the timetable?  (Bill Cosby played Cliff Huxtable, but the relevance of that is debatable.))

It might even blow over soon and you’ll never even know what the deal was. (Oh, no, ya don’t.  We’re not blowing anybody unless We KNOW what the deal is.)

You’ll just sense that the negativity has gone (No it hasn’t.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

and that everyone is smiling and happy with each other again. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)

Try to keep all your communication strictly platonic for the time being.  (Since we’re mainly talking to Ourself, that shouldn’t be a problem.)

Offers of assistance are perfect, but just stay low-key, get to know people better and give your karma a little boost at the same time. (Lance needs a bump!!! (Only a few people will get that joke, but too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

A lover, a dreamer, and me

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, June 8^th…if you say that really fast, it sounds Frawnch.  No, really…try it with Us: FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith… FryDayZhooNaith …see?  (Unbeknownst to you, you have just placed an order for parboiled escargot in cumin-scented lemur semen, which will be deposited before you five minutes from now by a surly waiter with poor hygiene and a foreskin that looks like Mildred Natwick.  He will insist…but insist!...that you taste it in his presence so he may relay your reaction to the chef.  And We will laugh and laugh and laugh…)

Those of you with foreskins, or foreskin experience (ahem), are now contemplating just what exactly one would have to do to induce one’s foreskin to resemble Mildred Natwick.  A whole new world of foreskin impressionism is opening up before you.  (You’re welcome.)  This is why Frank Gorshin only sometimes wore the green-tights costume when he played the Riddler on Batman; his foreskin frequently did impressions all on its own, and was disruptive to the filming process. (You try filming a serious fight scene while a foreskin that looks like Henry Kissinger is speaking to you from Frank Gorshin’s tights.)

But that’s just silliness.

Meanwhile, riddle me this, Batman (said Frank Gorshin’s foreskin, sounding, for some reason, uncannily like Julie Newmar with a head cold): what’s more fun than the WaitStaff playing The Match Game ?  Nothing, that’s what. Tickets can be obtained here:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950  or at the door.  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/  Be there or be square.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Those of you who have been paying attention (and We’re sure you’re BOTH very nice) will no doubt be pleased to hear that it is no longer Michael Cera’s birthday.

You need to look forward and make sure that the future is every bit as exciting as you want it to be!  (That would seem to require crystal balls.  Which means it’s a good thing We’re not wearing culottes.)

(Having said that, We are hard-pressed to think of any occasion when it would NOT be a good thing that We’re not wearing culottes.  Or a tube top.  Or Frank Gorshin’s green Riddler tights.)

(Did anyone else just have a sort of Muppet-foreskin flash?  Frank Gorshin’s foreskin singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green”? Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Your energy is much less focused on the present day, (Wait…We get presents?)

so it’s easier than usual to think ahead.  (It would be easier to think OF head if We got some from time to time.  Just sayin’.)

Do not let someone’s nasty comment eat away at you (Save that privilege for the flesh-eating bacteria.)

— they are only trying to push your buttons, (We should be so lucky.)

and if you get mad, you’ll only play into their hands. (And that would be bad?)

Instead, be extra good to them. (Gooder than We already are?  How is that even possible?)

Show them more respect than they have shown you. (Sing it, like Aretha Franklin’s urethra.)

Kill them with kindness. (If that doesn’t work, kill them with your foreskin’s Bill Cosby impression.)

By rising above the petty fight they seem to be itching for, you will show them — and the influential people who may be watching — that you are better than they are. (As though there were any doubt.)

Taking the high road is always wise for you.  (Well, according to conventional wisdom, not if you wish to get to Scotland in the fastest way possible.)

Romance is coming soon enough. (Yes, but how soon exactly?  Because if romance shows up will the wrong person is here, We could wind up barking up the wrong foreskin, and how embarrassing would THAT be?)

(How many of you are now pixturing Us barking into a foreskin?  Sort of like the RCA Victor dog in reverse…”his master’s voice”, and all that.)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are still available for some weeks in July and August, but they’re filling up fast.)

But rushing into that date or making that call could spell disaster.  (Aretha Franklin’s urethra just got done spelling R-E-S-P-E-C-T…what else do you want from her?  She is not your dancing monkey.)

Take some time today to explore your individuality and your connection with others. (Someday We’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection…you DO realize that you’ll never be able to see Kermit the Frog again without thinking of Frank Gorshin’s foreskin.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.