Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday, January 16, 2013. (Wasn’t it just Wednesday recently? Like about a week ago? Funny, that. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha ha” as “funny: you wouldn’t think she was the type of girl to have learned to shoot ping-pong balls out of THERE”.) Happy Hump Day, or, as Theda Bara once said, “It’s like déjà vu all over again”. Silent fillum aficionados will recall that she said that in a silent fillum in which she stole a picnic basket. We cannot, unfortunately, recall the name of said silent fillum at the moment, but perhaps one of Our Gentle Readers will refresh Our memory.
Urban Dictionary just informed Us of this: Studies show that people are 72.9% more likely to believe sentences that start with “Studies show…”. Also, 84.3 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
So, speaking of fillums, we are supposed to be speaking of fillums. In fact, We have been threatening to speak about fillums for two days now. We have been a proud union member of the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists (AFTRA) for many years now. In 2012, AFTRA merged with the Screen Actors’ Guild (SAG), so now We are a proud member of that, as well. And, just recently, DVDs have started appearing in Our post…in anticipation of the upcoming SAG Awards, We are being sent copies of fillums in current release For Our Consideration.
We would like to draw your attention to one fillum in particular: Silver Linings Playbook. We aren’t going to tell you anything about it, as We knew nothing about it when We sat down to watch it, except that Robert DeNiro was in it, as was Bradley Cooper, although We weren’t entirely sure who Bradley Cooper was. But we shall tell you that you must see this fillum at your first opportunity, and We do not think Our opinion was in any way influenced by the presence of An Attractive Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team. And naturally, YouPeople always do everything We tell you to.
Please share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn video with a friend. (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):
In other fillum news unrelated to Our Consideration For The SAG Awards, We attempted to slog through whatever the latest Batman atrocity is called (The Dark Knight Does Something Allegedly Different Than The Crap He Did In The Previous Atrocity ?). Unfortunately, Christian Bale is no more Batman than We are, there was some animatronic supervillain with an unexplained metal face, and not even the presence of Our future ex-husband Joseph Gordon-Levitt could get Us through more than forty-five minutes of this three-hour abortion.
On a positive note, We highly recommend Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs.
See? That wasn’t nearly as painful as you thought it would be. And We know all y’all just can’t wait till We’ve seen Les Miz.
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In other news, what could possibly go wrong on Ethel Merman’s birthday? (Please don’t answer that.)
This is not the best day to start something new — especially if any paperwork needs to be signed! (What Kelli is probably trying to tell Us is that Mercury is in retrograde. Which might be easier to say by saying, say, “Mercury is in retrograde”. AssHat.)
(This just in: apparently, Conrad Bain just died at 89. Consequently, here’s this (which IS safe for work):
Just try to push things forward one more day so you can review and get a better sense of what’s expected of you. (Wait…We’re expecting? So THAT explains why nothing fits! The old Immaculate Contraption trick.)
Negative energy has been growing in your social circle, and today it will still be unclear as to what you can do to fix it. (Something was unclear yesterday as well, wasn’t it? There are only so many times We are willing to do the same damn joke, Kelli. (Fortunately, We have yet to reach the limit of however many times that is.))
You need to stop examining the tension so closely and try to put it out of your mind. (Mmm-hmm. Like if We say, “don’t think about pink elephants”, what’s the first thing you’re gonna think about? ExACTly.)
Let this problem unravel. (Or knot.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
A solution will reveal itself on its own timetable. (We have a coffeetable, but no endtables. Where the hell is the timetable? (Bill Cosby played Cliff Huxtable, but the relevance of that is debatable.))
It might even blow over soon and you’ll never even know what the deal was. (Oh, no, ya don’t. We’re not blowing anybody unless We KNOW what the deal is.)
You’ll just sense that the negativity has gone (No it hasn’t.)
and that everyone is smiling and happy with each other again. (If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds.)
Try to keep all your communication strictly platonic for the time being. (Since we’re mainly talking to Ourself, that shouldn’t be a problem.)
Offers of assistance are perfect, but just stay low-key, get to know people better and give your karma a little boost at the same time. (Lance needs a bump!!! (Only a few people will get that joke, but too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.