Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Turdsday, January Turd, Twenty-Turdteen. Hey, Holidailies™ are over…We ain’t gotta pretend to be classy no more. Although it will interest Us to see if We maintain the slight uptick in Our hit count that resulted from same.
Meanwhile, at the risk of repeating Ourself (which, of course, NEVER HAPPENS), you may recall this from yesterday:
… from the The Best Writers Use The Fewest Words Department, this quote, which requires no explanation, just in from OurPatrickWhoArtInGreaterBostonia:
“Don’t poop in the temple.”
That color would be called, naturally, Flashback Chartreuse, which was undoubtedly someone’s nickname in high school. Of course, with a nickname like that, they never graduated, and are destined to repeat Algebra 2 until retirement. To return to the point , however, We are reiteratively repeating Ourself redundantly for several repetitious recurring reasons, one of which is that We now have an alerting service of sorts to alert people (hence the name) when they appear in an E!D!H! e-pissode, and said alerting service failed to alert OurPatrick yesterday.
Reason (B.) would be an earworm shared with Us by Our Sistah Ovella, which We are now going to be so kind as to share with YouPeople. You’re welcome, in advance.
By way of Miss Petula Clark:
Don’t poop in the temple, Darling
Don’t pee in the pouring rain
Don’t poop in the temple, Darling
Your dick is long
So drink formaldehyde
Watch King Kong
While you’re outside in a tent.
Day-um. Could that Petula Clark write a ballad, or what?
And to think We spent all of December Acting Classy. What a waste!
Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn video with a friend:
And here, without further ado ado to you and you and you, are the HorrorScopes:
Not only did We sing you a song, but now We are here to tell you that it’s Zasu Pitts’s birthday. Whatever would YouPeople do without Us?
Keeping an aggressive attitude will only get you frustrated right now, (Sez who, bitch?)
because the people around you are not feeling any urgency or motivation. (Well, DUH. It’s Zasu Pitts’s birthday, but she’s been dead for fifty years. So it’s not like everybody needs to run out to find the perfect birthday gift. And don’t expect cake. Also, don’t poop in the temple, Darling. (We wouldn’t want your mental soundtrack to stop on you. We’re considerate like that.))
They may be slow to respond to your questions or demands, so try to focus more on personal projects. (Just TRY and tell Us that wasn’t a masturbation euphemism.)
Go solo for the next few days. (SEE?)
Before you get overheated, you need to stop your engines and just let things cool off. (Based on all available intelligence (of which there is admittedly not much), it is quite cold enough outside today, ThankYouVeryMuch. On the plus side, however, the sun is shining. We would make hay, but We have no idea what that means. Or why the hell We would want any hay if We learned how to make it. Life is very complexicated.)
Where’s the fire? (Waldo has it. Any other dumbass questions?)
Take care not to rush into anything now when it comes to the realm of romance, though you may feel like you’re in a heck of a hurry. (We cannot think of a punishment cruel and unusual enough for people who actually say “heck”. But give us a minute…)
A little more time will clarify your feelings — and the situation. (What about the butter?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.