Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandyPatinkinMondayBecauseAGrownManCalled”Mandy”IsAPerfectlyEveryDayThingJustAskBarryManilow, January 28, 2013. Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Amanda, who turns twenty-four today in NewYawkNewYawkAHelluvaTown. Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Petr, who turned twenty-four this past weekend SomeWhereOnTheLeftCoastWhereItIsSunnyAndWarm.
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Where We are always knee-deep in twenty-four-year-olds. (Did that sound dirty? (We certainly hope so.))
In other news, We have a project that We just learned of at the end of last week with an absolutely insane deadline of this week. It involves Our purchasing of a piece of equipment, and learning to do something technical. And all We get in return is the CHANCE that We may get an opportunity. What could possibly go wrong?
Meanwhile, since We are not supposed to be telling you about Our dreams, We will not be telling you about The One In Which We Got Our Equity™ Card. Nor about The One In Which We Broke Our Sistah Ovella’s Car, nor about The One In Which We Went To Dinner With Somebody We Used To Go To Dinner With, Thereby Reminding Ourself Why We No Longer Go To Dinner With This Person, nor about The One In Which We Went To A Funeral But We Don’t Know Whose. You’re welcome.
In keeping with Our constant goal of Making YouPeople Feel Better By Comparison, We should like to point out that, in between such futile weekend efforts as shoveling the snow that really would have all melted if We’d just left it alone, We had the great misfortune to watch Daniel Radcliffe’s fillum The Woman In Black. Not, mind you, that the fillum was a complete atrocity, it’s just that there is no earthly reason why it was ever made. It’s a perfectly workman-like non-gory horror fillum like many churned out in the 70s, all of which starred Chris Sarandon (Susan’s ex). The spoken words of the script would occupy about five typewritten pages; everything else is atmosphere. Without Mister Radcliffe, no one would have ever bothered making it, but all his presence seems to be telling Us is that he’s not Little Harry Potter any more. Which, of course, We really didn’t need to be told, having seen video of him waving his magic wand about in Broadway’s revival of Equus. He can’t possibly have needed a paycheck that badly (or, if he did, he needs to sack his financial advisors).
So that was 90 minutes of Our life that We’ll never get back; hopefully, We’ve prevented you from sacrificing the same. You’re welcome.
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays today, Happy Birthday to Elijah Wood (We just BET he would) and Nick Carter (he would, too). Also, Alan Alda turns a million and two years old.
Life is an adventure, (Yeah. The Poseidon Adventure.)
and when your energy is this active, that just means that you’re more likely to get to the good parts quickly! (Mmm-hmm. The good parts. Once We wrap this up, We’ll be going to Radio Shack/Best Buy. In this weather. And Our day will no doubt only get better from there.)
Now is a great time for you to forget the future and embrace the present. (Will there be presents? We doubt it.)
Try to pay more attention (Sorry…what did you say?)
to any young adults or teenagers who may be in your life right now. (Aren’t there laws about that sort of thing? What are We, a Catholic priest? A Penn State football coach?)
You make a very good role model (We know…We look JUST like a roll.)
and you have some interesting ideas (Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, We do.)
that they would benefit from. (Also, BeneFiber™. You heard it here first.)
If all the kids you know live far away, send an email or a thoughtful gift. (What is all this harping on kids all of a sudden?)
Just make sure that you are integrated into their lives in some way. (We are fully integrated. Why, right this very minute, we are channeling Our inner angry black woman. Her name is Saliva, and she is about to take her earrings off.)
They have some things to teach you, and as the adult, (Who, Us? Have you not been paying attention?)
you need to be the one to open up the lines of communication. (Two Dixie™ cups and a string, Bay-Bee!)
Every now and then you confuse wanting to be involved with someone with wanting to take care of them. (Also, every now and then We confuse Dylan McDermott with Dermot Mulroney. But that happens to pretty much everybody.)
Watch out! (Don’t tell Us what to do! You are not the boss of Us!)
Sympathy is a laudable emotion, (Mandible ablution, indubitable emulsion…there’s a joke in there somewhere, but We just can’t get it out.)
but it’s not a good enough reason to be with someone romantically. (Elijah Wood. (No, really…he would.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.