Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, January Twenty-Turd, Twenty-TurdTeen. Happy Birthday to Deedee, who turns twenty-four today in Northern New Jersey, where We would imagine it is even colder than it is here in Our black, black heart. It is not, of course, Hump Day, Monday having been a holiday, but it is, We are informed, National Pie Day. So Happy Pie Day, y’all.
“PieDay!” We hear you ejaculate. “But it isn’t 3/14!”
“No, indeed, it is not.” We retort. (Or perhaps, since it is Pie Day, We should retart. (We shouldn’t retorte, because that would be cake. (Does anybody know when National Cake Day is?))) “But the National Pie Council (and, seriously, how do We get a job on the National Pie Council, counseling people, “Have some pie!”?) has declared 1/23 National Pie Day, because (wait for it)…making pie is as easy as 1-2-3.”
Except for the “pie” part, doesn’t that kinda just make ya wanna stick a fork into your jugular vein?
Cake lovers, meanwhile, will be distressed to hear that National Cake Day? Isn’t till November 26. We Googled it on Wikipedia for you. Because that’s just the kind of full-service, one-stop-shopping Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! We aim to be for you. You’re welcome. (It occurs to Us that, although it will not be true this year, November 26 could be Thanksgiving. Who the hell would want National Cake Day to fall on Thanksgiving? Nobody eats cake on Thanksgiving.)
We just got two hundred and fifty words out of National Fucking Pie Day. Which is good, because there’s not a single other damn thing going on in what passes for Our life.
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In other news, Chita Rivera is eighty today. Rita Moreno could not be reached for comment.
You need to speak from the heart (And you need to stop speaking from Uranus.)
— but you need to do so in a way that acknowledges that you still have a brain! (We could while away the hours, conferrin’ with the flowers…)
Make sure that your people (It’s been a while since she’s delusionally referred to Our imaginary people.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to think that “delusionally” is a word. Has you MET Us, Micro$oft Weird™? Is you delusional?)
(Having just typed “delusional” and “delusionally” so many times, One is now attempting to construct a joke in which One conjugates Dom Deluise. (Relax…One is failing to do so.))
get the message in a way that only you can deliver it. (Wouldn’t it be interesting if the meaning of “deliver” were (subjunctively) analogous to the meaning of “debone”?)
(Vacation time shares in Our mind are available all the way through March.)
(Heh. We just mistyped “shares” as “sharts”. Vacation time sharts. Vacation …all I ever sharted… Vacation shart to get away…. (That was a little musical number for Our Sistah Ovella, who is under the weather. A little The Go-Gos, to cheer her up.))
(We are now thinking up song lyrics in which We could replace “heart” with “shart”. For example, “My Shart Belongs To Daddy”. Sung by Miss Mary Shartin. Or “Shart Like A Wheel”. By Miss Linda Ronshart.)
(Oh, you love Us, you know you do!)
(Oh, wait…is Kelli still talking?)
Trying to always make everything equal between you and your friends is a total waste of time. (Much like this horoscope.)
You have to acknowledge the fact that sometimes you’ll give a little bit more and sometimes they’ll give a little bit more. (You’ve got to give a little, take a little…(wait for it)…and let your poor shart break a little…)
(We kill Us.)
It will all equal out in the end, so stop trying to make it equal now. (Don’t tell Us what to do. Bitch.)
You could be creating stress and turning a good day into a day full of nickel and dime arguments. (A dime?!? Where’d We get a dime?!?)
Just because life isn’t always fair doesn’t mean that it can’t be fun. (In your shart of sharts, you know dat’s true.)
Anyone capable of keeping up with you is extremely happy to be along for the ride today. (This face seats five. Also, it’s leaving in five minutes…be on it.)
You’re even more attuned to your world and connections with other people today — and you’re extra hot!
(Whatever. AssHat. You just know We could not leave you without a song from the American musical theatre…”One Hand, One Shart” from West Side Story. (You know, the one about the Jets and the Sharts.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.