Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeld’sCornsButWeDon’tCare, January 15, 2013. Happy Birthday to J., whose natal anniversary We were alerted to by a cryptic postcard in October, which depicted, amongst other things, famed thespian Eric Von Stroheim. J.’s year of birth, according to said postcard, is 1985, so One has difficulty in alluding to a Happy 24th, unless One subscribes, as We do here at Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!, to The Nude Math. The Nude Math, for those of YouPeople who have trouble pixturing things, enables Us to count confidently to twenty-one, and estimate everything thereafter.
Speaking of math, have you seen this WorldWideInterWebNetzian meme which depicts how Chinamen learn to multiply, via a visual system of intersecting lines? And, even if you haven’t seen it, did you imagine that Chinamen had any problem multiplying?
Meanwhile, from The There IS Such A Thing As A Free Lunch, As Long As It’s Dinner Department, about six months ago, Groupon for some reason gave Us ten dollars to spend, even though We were already a somewhat sporadic but satisfied Groupon user. Being Our cheeseparing Self, We perused Groupon until We found something that cost exactly ten dollars, that being a $20 Groupon for Slice, a pizzeria here in Soufffilly. Said Groupon was about to expire, so We trundled off last night to redeem same.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We should point out, for those heterosexual female Gentle Readers who are keeping score, that last night marked the fifth out of the fourteen evenings thus far in 2013 that We have spent in the company of An Attractive Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team. It does not totally count, however, as The Gentleman Caller In Question was a returning contestant on The Team Is Wrong.)
At any rate, We highly recommend Slice, where they will not only do “half this topping, half that”, as most pizzerias will, but also “a quarter this, etc.” (No, We didn’t make ‘em do it; it’s on the menu.) And other than tipping Our (very attractive, team undetermined) waiter, dinner was 100% free. (The fact that it was 100% free is also Our clever way of telling you that Slice does not have a liquor license.)
And, having thusfar wandered far thus from The Point, it occurs to Us that We were supposed to review movies today. Of course, We’ve already mentioned Eric Von Stroheim, so surely that’s enough cinematic excitement for one day. And, in terms of reviews, an actor friend of Ours (who is also, it should be noted, An Attractive Gentleman Caller From The Wrong Team), recently appeared in a play which was panned by one local critic, who begrudgingly admitted that the cast “coped well with their futile assignment”. We shall be appropriating that for Our epitaph…”here lies (and lies, and lies) Starzina Starfish-Browne…she coped well with her futile assignment.”
And on that macabre note (because We are fairly certain that there’s a rule somewhere stating that any written work invoking the name of Eric Von Stroheim must also contain the word “macabre”), please share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn video with a friend. (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):
(Is it just because We’ve typed it so many times, or does the name “Eric Von Stroheim” remind anyone else of “Grandpa Stroehmann”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Wait, wait, wait…it is Charo’s birthday, and no one TOLD Us? What is the matter with YouPeople?
Things are more than a little unclear right now. (Wait…what do you mean by that?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
That does not mean that the situation is hopeless (Well, DUH. It is Charo’s birthday; how could it possibly be hopeless?)
— far from it (What is “it”, again? The unclearness… (does One say “unclearness” or “unclarity”? (Okay, starting over…))
(The Aunt Clara is Uncle Whelming.)
(Esperanto ain’t got nussing on Us.)
— but rather that you need to deal with uncertainty (Are you sure about that?)
and act on instinct. (We are going to the dentist later. If people “acted on instinct” at the dentist’s, dentists would have very few fingers left.)
One of your favorite people is moving into an exciting new phase of their life, and their happiness is rubbing off on you! (“Rubbing off”? What’d’We, miss something?)
You couldn’t be more excited (Oh, yes, We could.)
and proud that they are having all their good deeds rewarded. (Fuck that noise, what about OUR good deeds? When do THEY get rewarded? Huh?)
Get involved with what they are doing with enthusiasm, and some of their good karma will also rub off on you! (Again with this “rubbing off”. (Frottage, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who the hell asked you?)) This is a dirty, dirty horoscope.)
Not everyone can be this big hearted, (Is that like big-boned? Is this a fat joke?)
and your stature in their lives (Yep, it’s a fat joke.)
will benefit from your support. (Spanx™.)
This is a growth phase for your relationship. (Okay, it’s no longer a fat joke, it’s a fat sit-com. Just like Mike and Molly. And equally unfunny.)
Make your plans early in the day and do what it takes to stick to them. (The dentist, then We are celebrating Christmas. And, on a completely unrelated note, somewhere in there a stop at either Danny’s Adam and Eve or The Pleasure Chest. (If you are not nakedly skimming, and can figger out why We’re going there, We may have a surprise for you.))
And keep them simple (Also, stupid.)
; last-minute change-ups invite difficulties now, (And difficulties NEVER RSVP on time.)
while complicated schemes are likely to disappoint. (Also, vice versa. And Virna Lisi. But not Viggo Mortensen.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.