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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Come out of the cupboard, all you boys and girls

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThirdsDay, January Tent, Twenty-ThirdTeen.  (Why, that sentence alone is a veritable short indy fillum!  Once you get twenty-three teenagers into a tent, who knows what might happen?  (Hijinks, We predict, would most certainly ensue.  As hijinks are wont to do. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Dr. Seuss.)))

Speaking of hijinks (as We were), We were both flabbergasted and flummoxed by the hue and cry that arose in response to Our three-evenings-out-three-evenings-in-a-row-with-three-attractive-Gentleman-Callers-who-woefully-play-for-the-other-team.  Gentlemen, if you are nakedly skimming within the sound of Our voice, you should be advised that there are any number of wimminz who DO play on your team who have declared their willingness to date all y’all, sight unseen.

This has been an Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! Public Service Announcement.  Just another service We provide here at  Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!

We are, meanwhile, suitably chagrined to have been unable to somehow include the word “flibbertigibbet” in that paragraph along with “flabbergasted” and “flummoxed”.  One cannot, We are told, have everything.

Sorry…We stepped away for a moment to complete a WorldWideInterWebNetzian survey,  which will be driving out a lovely check.  (Now if only the lovely check could be driven over by a lovely Czech, who plays on OUR team. (Preferably Our water polo team, because then there would presumably be Speedos™.  (Not, you understand, that We have any earthly idea what water polo even is, but We are imagining it being played by swimmers.  Michael Phelps, and that lot.)))

Sorry…what were We talking about?  Whaddaya mean, who the hell could possibly know?

The South Philly Review just showed up on Our doorstep.  It is entirely possible that We have Attention Deficit Dis---oh, look… a balloon!

Speaking of people who smoke weed, which may be the only way Michael Phelps and Justin Bieber will ever find themselves in the same sentence, long-time Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! Gentle Readers are well aware of Our love for All Things Bieber (with the exception of his music), so We shall pause here while you go to a different part of Bloggonia entirely to read all about 2013: The Year In Bieber

You’re welcome, Greg.

On the subject of The Bieber, this never gets old:

In other news, on the subject of the Olympics, you will have heard, no doubt, of the phenomenon of speed dating, in which One spends one to three minutes in the company of a succession of people on One’s sexual-orientation-team for the purpose of finding a date.  Well, just wait till you get a load (heh) of OUR new related concept:  speed hating.

Okay, as much fun as this all is (for you, anyway), We’ve got to start wrapping it up.  We just got an audition notice in Our email for For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf, and We have to go whip Our monologue into shape.

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend.   KThxBye.:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Rasputin’s birthday, in case you were thinking your Pop Tarts™ tasted funny this morning.  His first name was Grigori, because Russians spell funny. (That is NOT racist.  (It would be racist if We said they SMELL funny.)  But they actually DO spell funny.  The entire 1917 revolution happened because they couldn’t decide if Nicholas was the Czar or the Tsar.  True fact.)

You need to avoid the temptation (And lederhosen to temptation, but deliberately Bieber…that’s a direct quote from The Apollo’s Creed, or some old Catholic prayer.  We have no idea what it means, but if the Bieber turns up in lederhosen, We will not be responsible for what happens next.)

(Does anybody else feel as though there should now be an interlude in which Rod Serling introduces the rest of this e-pissode?)

to ignore friends and family today (Sorry…what did you say?)

— no matter what.  (What what?)

 Your career or other obligations may be calling, (As may London.)

(That there was a little pop culture reference.)

(All around the mulberry bush
The Monkees chased The Bieber
Take one down, pass it around
Pop! Goes the Culture Club.)

(Who let Boy George in here?)

but you’ve got to do what’s right before that can happen.  (Are you still talking?  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Right now, mulling over an intimidating idea is the same thing as procrastinating when making a decision … be careful that you don’t get a reputation for being indecisive.  (You had Us at “mulling”…may We mull some wine, mais oui?)

Rebel against that possibility today by grabbing life by the hand  (The hand?  Seriously?)

and taking it for a whirl!   (Is “whirl” ever properly NOT followed by an exclamation point?  Inquiring minds Jacques Cousteau.)

Do something spontaneous that will surprise the folks around you.  (SURPRISE!!!)

(You will be pleased to hear that spontaneity is on Our schedule for today at 4:15.)

Prove to them and to yourself that you know that sometimes the value of doing something is much higher than the value of thinking about doing something.  (So what We hear you saying is, don’t think.  Alrighty, then.)

 You’re no angel  (What was your first fucking clue?)

— especially when naughtiness is the name of the game. (What if naughtiness is NOT the name of the game?  Is it all for naught? (Possibly.  But probably not naught for all.))

You’re making the rules and then breaking them. (So essentially, We’re wasting a lot of effort.)

Fortunately, you know when to turn from vice to nice, especially when it comes to romance. (What the hell did that even MEAN?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.