Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, January 17, 2013. Happy Birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Agnes Moorehead Hannah Montana Madagascar, Minnesota. Oddly enough, he is Our only Gentle Reader from that particular neck of the woods. If you saw him, however, you would have no objection to necking in the woods with him. Trust Us.
We, meanwhile, are slaving and toiling to fulfill the terms of Our Creative Pay-It-Forward thingie. Although We have hit a small glitch with a local emporium, who are not as well-stocked as they might be. So some of you will be hearing from Us shortly, and some of you won’t be hearing from Us till longly. Altruism is difficult, especially around the holidays.
In other news, The Sainted Mother texted Us yesterday to alert Us to the appearance of her pixture in the paper. Thereby proving that The Sainted Mother not only has an iPhone, but also has a better agent than We have. We cannot even imagine what We would have to do to get Our pixture in the paper. Did We mention that The Sainted Mother also has a television commercial to her credit? What exactly We are doing wrong, We haven’t got any idea.
Please share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn video with a friend. (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):
And here are the HorrorScopes:
There are all sorts of high-profile birthdays today, but We don’t want Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles to get lost in the shuffle. So Happy Birthday, Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles.
You’re quite excited to be where you are, (We are in OurHouseWhereWeLive, in OurKitchenWhichNeedsCleaning. Oh, the thrill of it all.)
and can hardly feel the exhaustion that must be setting in. (On the plus side, the sun is shining. On the plus size, Our ass.)
This second wind is exhilarating, (That is not, however, the word We would use for the breaking wind.)
and you should be able to push yourself in all sorts of interesting ways. (In the bush, for instance.)
You can’t think twice (We can barely think once.)
if your ambition gets in other people’s way today. (Other people? Who cares?)
Even if you step on someone’s toes once or twice, sometimes that’s just what it takes to get where you want to go. (Often, however, you will find it much more effective to step on their testicles. Just sayin’.)
You can’t let manners and etiquette deter you right now. (Okay, so We’ll step on their testicles with Our pinkie extended, and send ‘em a bread-and-butter note afterwards.)
This is not the time or place. (Then what the fuck is it?)
You cannot stop your personal quest (No matter how hopeless? No matter how far?)
just because it annoys or inconveniences someone else. (What is this constant harping on “other people”? Isn’t this OUR horrorscope?)
Because you know that if they were in your shoes, (Now fucking other people are wearing Our shoes? What is this, a goddamn bowling alley?)
they would do the exact same thing. (But they’d do it in Our shoes. So, eeeuuuwww.)
Fill your day and night with plenty of action, especially stuff involving new people and lots of forward motion. (Well, that’s just dirty.)
Switch from playing outdoors to swaying on the dance floor. (Kelli is a poet, but she is unaware of it.)
You should have a blast. (And/or a snort. And We wouldn’t necessarily turn down recreational drugs, neither.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.