Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedDay, January Elebbenf, 2013. Happy Birthday to Cynthia, who turns twenty-four today. In Stately Wayne Manor. Hopefully, in between cake and champagne, she is sliding down the BatPole. Also, Happy Birthday to Alexander Hamilton, one of the few Founding Fathers who is Our Friend on SitOnOurFaceBook. (Speaking of Founding Fathers who are Our Friends on SitOnOurFaceBook, ya know who’s hot? Thomas Jefferson, that’s who. ROWWWRRRR!!!)
Wow. With an opening like that, there are just so many directions today’s e-pissode could take. (How many of YouPeople realize that We’re only typing this next bit after spending a good fifteen minutes researching the whereabouts of the bust of Shakespeare prop with the switch to open the BatCave in it from the 60s TV series? Regrettably, We learned nothing definitive. (How it is that We’re still single, we’ll never know.))
Meanwhile, apropos of absolutely nothing that has gone before, indeed, ignoring Batman, Robin, Baskin Robbins, Alexander Hamilton AND The Jeffersons, We are somewhat gratified to have obtained definitive proof that someone We were pretty sure is an asshole is, in fact, an asshole. A minor victory, but a victory nonetheless lessthannuns.
But enough of this levity…We need to move it along so We can commence Our weekend…
Please share Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn video with a friend:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In addition to the previously-listed luminaries, it is also the birthday of Justin Bieber’s boyfriend, Lil Twist. No doubt somebody is spending the day sliding down somebody’s BatPole, if you know what We mean. And We think you do. ‘Cause you’re dirty like that.
You are a little over-concerned with how people see you today (After Our recent bout of invisibility, can you blame Us?)
— that’s so unlike you! (On the other hand, that’s so Raven!)
Take care of any pressing PR needs you may have, but try to get back to your more important business quickly. (So wait a minute….you just ask for a Puerto Rican, and they send you one? What is it, like Chinese food? Does he come on a bicycle? (Is that too personal a question?))
You are just finally coming around (The mountain when she comes (When she comes…))
to understanding the true scope of the amount of work you have to do today — at your job, in a romantic partnership or in a friendship. (Make up yo’ day-um mind, bee-yotch!)
This sudden realization could overwhelm you, but it doesn’t have to. (While We would be the first to admit that We could use a good whelming, there is certainly no reason to overdo it.)
The soldier in you (ExSQUEEZE Us?!?)
knows that you can do this! (Of course We can! Right after he shows Us his privates.)
No task is too tough for you, especially if you are humble and honest about how you’re feeling. (And, as We are all well aware, “humble” and “honest” are Our middle names. (Well, actually, Our middle names are “Humbert” and “Honoria”, but close enough.))
Reach out to the other person or people involved in this task, (And touch them?)
and get them to contribute to the solution. (Or that.)
(Actually, We’d be happy if We could get them not to show you where We’d touched them on the doll.)
What they say about all work and no play just doesn’t apply to you right now. (We’re confused…does that mean We ARE a dull boy, or We’re NOT a dull boy?)
You’re likely to be exceptionally involved with career matters, yet you’re looking hot (Aren’t We though? (You all do sincerely wish you could see Us at this very moment. The hotness would likely blind you.))
and getting lots of attention while you’re at it. (Oddly enough, We have been feeling an attention deficit…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.