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Monday, January 7, 2013

And now they’re all retarted.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandingoMonday, January 7st, 2013.   It has just come to Our attention that We have been saying “2012” ever since the new year began, with the exception of Turdsday, January Turd.  And guess what?  We ain’t goin’ back to edit it, neither.

It felt very strange not to e-pisstle on YouPeople for two days this weekend, after have e-pisstled upon you virtually every day since December 1th.  However, We did answer Our Own question about residual audience from Holidailies™ when We posted Our lowest hit count in MONTHS for Fridays e-pissode.  Why, We got more hits on Christmas Day itself than We got on Friday.  Yes, goys and burls, We shall soon be re-evaluating this e-ntire e-ndeavor.

In random other news, in a fit of something-or-another, We have taken up one of those New Year Pay-It-Forward challenges, for which We still require two more participants; please see Our SitOnOurFaceBook page status, and read the actual instructions. It seems mostly harmless.

Our dreams continue to be epic; upon arising yesterday, We penned this:

“It isn’t fair to have to make a bed in a dream.  In a dream, you should just have to lie in it.”

Not to bore you with the entire story, but this was in response to a dream in which someone actually wanted to go to bed with Us (this is how you know it was a dream), and We felt compelled to make the bed first.  Thus preventing the entire “going to bed” part.  Sigh.

Meanwhile, last night, We had some long, involved dream in which We disassembled Our refrigerator.  Who DOES that?

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Oh. Our. God.  We thought it was just another day.  Come to find out, not only is it the birthday of Charles Addams, creator of The Addams Family, but also it is the birthday of Butterfly McQueen, who didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies in Gone With The Wind.  And, as if that weren’t all enough excitement for one day, it is also (are you sitting down?)  Millard. Fillmore’s. Birthday.

Does it get any better than this?

No, seriously…DOES IT?

Things are turning over (In their graves, no doubt.)

 and changing for the better (Okay, that?  Does. Not. Happen.)

— so even if things feel bad today, you can at least take heart  (Whose?)

and remember that it is all for the best. (Shut up, Dr. Pangloss.)

(That there was a litter-hairy reference.  ‘Cause We’re cultured like that.)

Ride out this wave and enjoy the rest of the month!   (Well, how CHEERFUL!)

(We have a little rant to go off on about being cheerful, but We may save it for tomorrow to give it proper time to Uncle Fester.)

It’s one thing to keep your hopes high, (It’s another thing to be fucking annoying to everyone around you.)

 it’s quite another to be in complete denial as to what your real chances for success are.   (Wait…We have real chances?!?)

Be realistic today.  (Well, YOU’RE the AssHat who was getting Our hopes up about having real chances.  Make up your damn mind.)

You are doing yourself no good by ignoring the facts that are confronting you. (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh. SWWDT?)

Face them head on, (Should We put Our face on before We head out to face them head on?  This is all very confusing…)

(Head, shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes)…)


and you’ll see they are not as bad as you fear.  (Is anyone still nakedly skimming? If so, could you leave Us a comment?  Or send Us a naked skimming pixture?)

Renewal is in the air right now, (The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted…)

so if you can just hold on and stay motivated long enough,  (THAT sounds like fun.)

you will be able to enjoy a change of tides. (Somehow, We just know there’s gonna be sand in Our Speedo™.)

This new tide will sweep in a much happier era in your life.  (Mmm-hmm.  You don’t expect Us to hold Our breath, do ya?)

It may just be one of those days. (Alternatively, it may be just one fot hse lifetimes.)

You’re a little crabby or uncomfortable in your own skin, or your crush suddenly seems not-so-hot.   (Whatever you just said, what We HEARD was that We will have crabs, a rash, and hot flashes.  Yippee.)

Take it easy.   (We keep saying how easy We are, but no one will let Us prove it.  (Okay, but first We’re gonna have to make this bed…))

Try a little exercise or meditation. (Have you met Us?)

Consider cocooning tonight.  (Is it just Us, or does that sound like an awful lot of work?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.