Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for NotJustAnotherManicMonday, January 21, 2013. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody! Your Martin Luther King Day cards are in the mail. Which won’t be coming today. (Neither, of course, will We, but that’s a whole ‘nother paragraph which has nothing to do with Martin Luther King Day.) We trust all your stockings are hung by the chimney with Cher, because why would you wear stockings on your day off? Although what the hell Cher is doing hanging by the chimney, We haven’t got any idea.
Also, Happy Inauguration Day! Especially happy, when One considers the horror of the alternative. Although, as much as We love Our President, We really must have a chat with him about constantly pre-empting The Young and the Rest of Us.
In birthday news, Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Brandon, who also turns twenty-four today, somewhere in MaryLand. (Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau. (We have no idea where that came from. Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?)) Also also, Happy Birthday to Blake, who also also turns twenty-four today. We’re not exactly sure where he does that (thus sparing you another nursery rhyme), but, based on recent pictures of the boy, We’re pretty sure he’s also a twenty-four on that scale of one-to-ten that everybody else is on. Just sayin’.
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
In other news, it is a pure stroke of luck that We are even aware that today is Monday. First came the Christmas holidays, with two weeks of alternating Saturdays and Sundays. Following that, we had social engagements on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, then this past Monday and Tuesday, making those feel like weekends. Which turned Wednesday into Monday, except that on Thursday, We thought it was Friday. Then, on Saturday and Sunday, HimSelf went off to work on a student fillum. We honestly don’t know whether to scratch Our watch or wind Our ass.
We were about to embark on another nursery rhyme, but We got distracted by the fact that One really doesn’t wind watches any more. You’re welcome.
In still other news, Dear The Universe: We are aware that We are a reprehensible, heinous individual, as this fact is constantly being brought home to Us by the steady stream of people who cast Us off onto their rubbish heaps. We get that the problem is with Us, not with them, but unless someone informs Us what the fucking problem IS, there is really no way for Us to Learn Our Lesson. KThxBye.
On a lighter note, We just noticed that “Learn Our Lesson” acronyms to “LOL”. LOL.
On a less lighter note, We just used “acronyms” as a verb, and Micro$oft Weird™ didn’t catch Us.
On a more lighter note, here is a pixture of HimSelf in wardrobe for the student fillum, in which he played a board member of a company that supplies imaginary friends to children. (Based on the headgear, you would imagine that he played the Chairman of the Board. You would be wrong.):
And here are the HorrorScopes:
As if all the other excitement weren’t (subjunctively) enough, it is also Geena Davis’s birthday! Party on, Garth!
You usually embrace change (Indeed We do. Although We vastly prefer folding money.)
— but even you sometimes feel that an idea is misguided. (We had an idea once. It died of loneliness.)
Today brings something new and unavoidable into your life that you would rather not deal with. (Well, We’re guessing it’s not a social disease.)
It should pass! (Like gas out your ass.)
(Was that Our first fart joke of 2013? Does anyone know? We can’t be arsed (heh) to go back and do the research.)
Try to spend some time interacting with the few people who don’t always agree with everything you say. (Are there any people still speaking to Us? Tap-tap-tap…is this thing on?)
Whether they hail from different backgrounds, cultures or religions than you, they see the world from a different perspective (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
— and it can be very interesting to hear what they have to say about recent events. (Why would it be interesting to listen to people who are wrong?)
At the very least, it will be a good learning experience. (But, again…what can One possibly learn from people who are wrong?)
When you only hang out with like-minded people, you miss out on some opportunities. (Indeed. The opportunity to tell people that they’re wrong. (This is a very one-note horrorscope today, Kelli.))
You’re all about learning and growth today, (Was that a fat joke?)
and some big lessons are coming your way right now. (Yep, that was a fat joke!)
Make sure you compare and contrast with past romantic endeavors. (Okay, if it’s an “endeavor”, how romantic can it be?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.