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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

C’mon, Baby, do the locomotion

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ToothDay, January Twenty-Tooth, ToothOwsandThirteen.  (If you think We’re carrying this “tooth” motif any farther (further?), you can bite Us.)

(Heh.  SWWDT?)

“The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.”…Julia Child

Just thought We’d throw that in there, apropos of nussing.

Meanwhile, in Our dreams (yes, yes, We know We’re not supposed to bore you by telling you about them. (Is it more, or less, boring to tell you about how We’re not telling you about them? Inquiring minds want to…well, actually, inquiring minds don’t give a shit.)), We have started editing the scripts.  For example, in one dream last night, We were visiting someone, and We changed his boyfriend into somebody more attractive to Us, to make the dream more interesting.  In a second (more complicated) dream, We wound up totally changing a major plot point right near the end, because the whole thing was becoming too bogged down in details.  Who do We need to blow to get a job at HBO?

(That last bit was a song lyric, no?)

Okay, We’re done with dreams.  And Our waking life is equally boring.  Also, Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside.  Or at least, so They tell Us.  We may find out when We go to the Eye-talian Market later.  (If they would lettuce purchase an actual Eye-talian, We might not leave OurHouseWhereWeLive till the Spring thaw.)

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

The best celebrity birthday We can come up with today is Piper Laurie.  Well, Piper Laurie and Sir Francis Bacon.  If Piper Laurie married Sir Francis Bacon, she’d be Lady Piper Laurie Bacon.  (That’s not a joke, just an observation.  (You can tell it’s not a joke, because it’s not funny.  (The jokes are the funny bits.)))

To make up for the preceding, here is a picture of Kevin Bacon naked:

(Oh, yeah, right.  Like We were gonna post the shower picture from Wild Things, and get thrown the hell out of Bloggonia.)

You are feeling a strong urge to express yourself in a new way — so get to it!  (Assuming (thereby making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass (albeit NOT showing you a picture of it)) that We were correct in that yesterday’s fart joke was Our first fart joke of 2013, the preceding sentence would be (you guessed it) Number Two.)

(Heh.  We said “Number Two”.)

You may find that your energy is perfect for something new and unique, (A nap, for example.)

and there’s no time like the present.  (Now, that’s not entirely true.  The past used to be quite like the present.  The future will, eventually, be much like the present as well.  So, essentially, Kelli, you are talking out of Uma Thurman’s ass.)

(Have We ever determined a sensible reason why Micro$oft Weird™ would recognize “Thurman” as a word, but not “Uma”?  (It’s quite clear why it recognizes “ass”.))

 You might not be in the midst of a sizzling affair, (Ya think?)

but there is certainly something exciting brewing between you and another person. (What’d’We, miss something?)

Someone is on exactly the same page with you, (Is it just Us, or does that sound a little more creepy than she probably intended it?)

either in a professional or social situation, and today brings you an opportunity to connect with them on a whole new level. (In the parking garage of Life. (Does anybody have any idea what da fuq Kelli is talking about?))

It might be up to you to get the conversation going, but once you do, the other person will drive most of the talking — and you’ll start to feel like you’ve known them all your life.  (Dr-dr-dr-drive talkin’ (Kiss Us quick, We’re a BeeGee.))

There is immense potential for motion in your love life right now  (Is it possible to even HAVE a love life without motion?  (Our Own Personal love life needs an enema.))

(Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We replace “enema” with “enemy”.  Micro$oft Weird™ is fucked up.)

— so how do you want to get moving?   (Let’s jus’ mix up some Ex-Lax™ wit’ Our crack…)

Be active about rearranging events and you might end up with something really hot now.  (Well, if you rearrange “events”, you get “Steven”.   So who’s Steven, and how hot is he?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.