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Friday, January 18, 2013

You pull 'em down and there's really nothing there

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, January 18, 2013.  It is a very exciting day here at Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!Head!Quarters! (sorry…We got carried away) headquarters. 

Today is the occasion of Our 700thpost in Bloggonia!  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, We are joining The 700 Club.  Lettuce pray.  (And they said it wouldn’t last!)

Not that We have a particularly scintillating e-pissode planned for your naked skimming pleasure.  There is not even cake.  To Tell The Truth, Kitty Carlisle is in show business, but no one knows why.  Whoops…Our needle skipped.  Back to 1967, apparently.  What We were trying to say was, to tell the truth, this anniversary sort of snuck up on Us.  Much like Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty. Plus, if there were (subjunctively) to be cake, We would have to make it Our Own Self, and that would take all of the fun out of it.

(Please join Us in patting Ourself on the back for making a cinematic allusion to a fillum made in a very recent part of everyone’s lifetime, whose cast does not include Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Judy Garland, or Shelley Winters.  You’re welcome.)

In other news, in the news today, at least in the WorldWideInterWebNetzian news, We are being informed that due to modern society’s penchant for waxing, Brazilians, and manscaping, pubic lice are now an endangered species.  And We are NOT making this up!

Speaking of things that need to be endangered, We are not, as you have probably guessed, following this entire Lance Armstrong debacle very closely, not being, as you are no doubt aware, much of a sports enthusiast (although We are inordinately fond of bicycle pants), but may We assume that this will put an end to those hideously ugly yellow rubber bracelets?  KThxBye.

Hitler had only one big ball
Goering had two, but they were small
Had something sim’lar
And poor old Goebbels
Had no balls
At all!

See?  Right away, We gave you a musical number.  As if it weren’t already enough that, in recent paragraphs, We had used the words “penchant” and “debacle”.  This here blog is a fuckin’ class act.

Please  share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Capricorn  video with a friend.  (Extra credit points if it’s a gay friend.):

And here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Wang Yung Ching’s birthday.  And that is all We’re gonna say about THAT.  (Well, okay, We’ve lied.  Apparently, according to Micro$oft Weird™, both “Wang” and “Yung” are perfectly acceptable words.  “Ching’s”?  Not so much.  And one of Micro$oft Weird™’s suggested replacements?  (Is there anybody who doesn’t see this coming?)  “Chink’s”.)

You can’t make this stuff up.

Your social energy is unstoppable right now, (It’s like a social disease.  But not crabs.  ‘Cause they’re endangered.  (Somebody should have figgered this out years ago.  Crabs can’t get crabs, because they don’t have pubic hair.  (Plus, if they DID have pubic hair, they’d be even harder to clean.  Think about THAT next time you’re picking crabs at a crab boil.)))

(Can you believe you don’t even have to pay for all of this?)

so make sure that you’re getting out there and meeting new people. (We were about to make a joke about meeting old people.  Then it occurred to Us, if you’re meeting people you’ve met before, maybe YOU’RE the old person.)

You can overcome all kinds of barriers  (We’ve come on a few barristers and baristas in Our day, as well.)

— even language is no problem for you!  (No, indeedy.  We speak in tongues.)

 It’s time for you to start thinking about how you can get more physically active.  (Yes, let’s just sit in a nice comfy chair and think about that, shall We?)

Going to the gym a few days a month or going for a jog every other morning is great, (You have such an active fantasy life.)

but you’ll have a lot more fun with it if you can integrate your physical exercise and your free time.  (We have no idea what that means.  Have We mentioned that We’re off to make a student fillum this weekend?  We’re off to make a student fillum this weekend.  We have yet to see the one We made last August.  Whatevs.)

Pick up a sport.  (Well, there’s always juggling, but that takes more than one ball.  Or bicycling, but Us wearing those pants would be a criminal offense.  Perhaps We shall take up cow-tipping.)

Start learning how to roller skate with a friend!  (Why didn’t WE think of that?)

(Possibly because it’s stupid.)

There are all sorts of ways to burn calories and get your heart beating faster.  (How do YOU spell “blowjob”?)

You’ve got the creativity to figure out how to do it. (If We could do it to Our Own Self, We’d never leave the house.)

  Even if you’re excited that someone special wrote back or even called — or if you’ve just spotted a new face online you want to contact  (If, by “contact”, you mean “sit on”…)

— think it over until later this evening, when your romantic energy ramps up! (Why is Our romantic energy always “ramping up” when We’re home alone?)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.