Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Wednesday, January 30, 2013. Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia. It occurs to Us that We know all of the people We know in Greater Bostonia because of the WorldWideInterWebNetz. Without which, We also wouldn’t be writing this, and YouPeople wouldn’t be nakedly skimming it. What exactly did We all do before there were InterNetz, anyway? Weren’t We bloody bored all the time?
Meanwhile, We are ever-so-veddy-veddy proud of today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus To Wong Foo Marilyn McCoo that We could just bust a gusset. If We knew what a gusset was. (Okay, We Googled it on Wikipedia. Because We’re an Inquiring Mind like that. And now We have decided that Busta Gusset needs to be the name of a drag rapper. (Are there drag rappers? Because there totally should be.))
Speaking of drag rappers, 82-year-old Jim Nabors finally came out of the closet and married his partner of 38 years recently. (We shall pause here to give all the youngsters a chance to Google “who the fuck is Jim Nabors?” on Wikipedia.) We shall refrain from saying, “Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!” We shall also refrain from saying, “Shazam!” Because really, We’re funnier than that.
No, REALLY…We ARE.
Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “shazam” is a word. Where the hell did Micro$oft Weird™ grow up? Communist Russia? Clearly, Micro$oft Weird™ is a foreign spy sent to infiltrate These United States if it doesn’t know “Shazam”. What else doesn’t it know? Mom? Apple pie? All the words to Bohemian Rhapsody?
Gentle Readers who like the serialized aspect of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! will be shrilled and ignited to learn that We finished Our hush, hush, sweet Charlotte Rae project yesterday, and will be sending it off today. Even though they extended the deadline. By ONE DAY. Till tomorrow. Who DOES that? Meanwhile, said project got more and more irritating as the day went on, each step seeming to require Us to learn some new technical skill or find some arcane piece of software. On the plus side, even once the thing is flushed into The Cesspool Of The Futility Of All Human Endeavor, We will know how to do a whole bunch of things We knew not how to do before.
So yay the fuck Us.
Meanwhile, “cesspool”? Pool of cess? Is “cess” even a thing? Have We discussed this before?
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Today’s list of celebrity birthdays is woefully uninspiring, thus forcing Us to wish a happy birthday to Gleb Kotelnikov, who invented the parachute. Aviators everywhere are grateful that he (“he” being, We realize, a completely sexist assumption, although We feel that “Gleb” is a masculine name, as opposed to, say, “Glebette” or “Glebbina”) didn’t name his invention after himself.
And that right there? Was Us, making chicken salad out of chicken shit.
Speaking of which, here just in is Our InterNetzian Thought Of The Day:
When you color outside the lines, you are able to make a bigger picture.
You are much better off helping others today than trying to get your own work done. (Well, you know what They say: God helps those who help themselves to another heaping helping of some hoss-pitt-alli-tee. (Why anyone still listens when They talk is a mystery to Us.))
Things are just lined up against you, (Is it a football team? Are they sweaty?)
but a little extra karma should help you immensely. (Was that a fat joke? Because it SOUNDED like a fat joke.)
Go for it! (We would, but We don’t know where ”it” is, so where are We supposed to go?)
Turn all of your attention (Sorry…did you say something?)
toward business today. (We run ColbyCo now! (Hang on…we need to stitch some shoulderpads into this bathrobe.))
You don’t necessarily have to focus on stocks, bonds, or investment-types of business. (What about monkey business? We could eat some monkeybread on the monkeybars…)
Instead, you might really want to deal with anything that requires official documents or meetings with professionals. (WHORES!!!)
Move forward in your negotiations, but act conservatively. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Newt Gingrich’s proctologist.)
(Okay, it just occurred to Us…you go to four years of college, four years of medical school, internship, residency…and you’re a proctologist. Who does that? And WHY?)
It’s always better to be safe than sorry. (Despite what you might think, however, it is only USUALLY better to be smart than stupid. It is neither better nor worse to be spry than slimy.)
Honesty and integrity are a natural part of who you are, so utilize these qualities to get what you need right now. (How honesty and integrity are going to get Us Johnny Depp’s phone number, We haven’t got any idea.)
Art and music are healing forces in your life. (Fine. C’mon over, and let Us spray paint your organ.)
Express your insides through images and sounds. (We would put a fart joke here, but that would be redundant.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.