Because…sometimes you feel like a nut…turn your head and cough

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManateesManhandlingManicottiInManhattanMonday, August Fourst, 2014.

August Fourst already?  Whoever woulda thunkit.  June and July certainly did disappear in the blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do ya?

Happy birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Tim, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  

TheLovelyAndTalented Tim  is playing Romeo (or possibly Romeo…it is unclear to Us) in Tribe of Fools’ gay retelling of Romeo and Juliet , set against the backdrop of  two rival groups of Mummers.  The show will be called Two Street and will be in this year’s Fringe.  And, if you happen to have some moneys lying about with which you know not what to do, here is how you could donate to aid in the production of said show:  https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street

Happy birthday also to Gloria, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And Happy Birthday also too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Andrew, who also too turns twenty-four today, lso too right here in Fluffya…Get To No Ass.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmerican Cousin Monica, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in the suburbs of The Windy City.

And happy belated birthday to Edgar and Randino, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.

Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…

Oh, shut up.

We trust you all had a lovely and festive National Grab Some Nuts Day, which was, of course, yesterday.  You MUST have, as obviously you were all too busy exchanging Grab Some Nuts presents and singing Grab Some Nuts carols to enter Our audience participation contest.  We did not receive a single nut picture!  Consequently the contest, whose description We are rerunning below, will remain open through the rest of today, or until a winning nut is found:

Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously prevaricating, here is the website for same: http://www.grabsomenutsday.com/ )

In honor of the occasion, We are going to have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!

(You’re excited, aren’t you?  We can tell from here.)

We would like to invite all of Our Gentle Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone number).

Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too can enter the contest.

The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a prize.  The winner will be announced in this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi, Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).

Speaking of unresponsiveness, We were somewhat taken aback by the extremely limited response to Our previous e-pissode, in which We expressed Our opinion of the altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/07/baby-baby-baby-oh.html ).  Said limited response caused Us to imagine, amongst other things, that Josh (hi, Josh!) had not read it.

Also, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber.  Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which We never miss an occasion to Cher):

Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

Cher and Cher alike.

Also, Cher and Sherilyn Fenn.

Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Billy Bob Thornton’s birthday.  Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again.  But We suspect that the likelihood that any of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it make?

Actually, this is the second time We’ve done it now (the preceding paragraph went unremarked last week), so We’re fairly certain at this juncture that We could just hire ten thousand monkeys with ten thousand typewriters and be done with it.

The first Gentle Gentleman Reader who send Us a picture of one or more of his nuts with the caption, “What the hell is a typewriter?” will win a prize.

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Almond Joy™’s got nuts…Mounds™ don’t

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Oneth, 2014.

August Oneth already?  Whoever woulda thunkit.  June and July certainly did disappear in the blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do ya?

As We type this, SitOnMyFaceBook is broken.  So, while We DO remember that today is Ryan’s birthday, and (We think) Anthony’s birthday, We have no hope of recalling whose belated birthday it is.

Happy birthday to Ryan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. ( We should probably refrain from saying that We recall that it is Ryan’s birthday so definitively because he is a hottie. (Also because this is the first time We’re wishing him a happy birthday…but mostly the hottie thing.))

Happy birthday also to Anthony (We think), who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. (Not that Anthony’s not a hottie, mind you, but We have this nagging pesky feeling ("nagging pesky feeling" being the opposite of "peaceful easy feeling") that We’re saying the wrong A-name. (Of all the things We’ve lost, We miss Our mind the most.))

SitOnOurFaceBook is BACK…and We were NOT saying the wrong A-name.  Because We are clearly on Our A-game, in Our A-frame, which is A-shame…

(Whaddaya mean, We rap like a white girl?)

And happy belated birthday to Michael and Roy, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.

Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…

Oh, shut up.

Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously prevaricating, here is the website for same: http://www.grabsomenutsday.com/ )

In honor of the occasion, We are going to have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!

(You’re excited, aren’t you?  We can tell from here.)

We would like to invite all of Our Gentle Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone number).

Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too can enter the contest.

The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a prize.  The winner will be announced in this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi, Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).

We were somewhat taken aback by the extremely limited response to Our previous e-pissode, in which We expressed Our opinion of the altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/07/baby-baby-baby-oh.html ). 

Said limited response caused Us to imagine, amongst other things, that Josh (hi, Josh!) had not read it.

Also, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber.  Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which We never miss an occasion to Cher):

Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

Cher and Cher alike.

Also, Cher and Sherilyn Fenn.

Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Tempestt Bledsoe’s birthday.  Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again.  But We suspect that the likelihood that any of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it make?

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Baby Baby Baby Oh

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, July 30^nd, 2014.

Happy birthday to Sydette, who turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Happy birthday also to Lee, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Ell, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And happy belated birthday to Bob, and Eddie, and Sarah, and Erica, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.

Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…

Oh, shut up.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), may We just point out that not only does the aforementioned Erica have the fabulous name of “Erica”, but also, she is a Leo, thereby making her exponentially more fabulous than We already knew her to be.)

Speaking of Leo, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo

In other news, the WorldWideInterWebNetz are all abuzz today, as it appears that Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber.  In Ibiza.

Because Mister Bieber is such an easy target, the WorldWideInterWebNetzian response to the incident seems to be running ten-to-one along the lines of “Yeah, way to go, beat the little bitch.”

Now, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber.  Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which will also serve as a birthday present for the aforementioned Erica, who was mentioned earlier, as she will no doubt recognize this particular incarnation of His Bieberness):

But, seriously, InterNetz?  All the juicy bits that are gloriously, hideously wrong with this story, and all you can come up with is “Beat The Bieber”?

For example, Mister Bieber is not even twenty-one years old yet.  Mister Bloom is pushing forty.  We Our Own Self Personally are, of course, only twenty-four, but We would definitely feel creepy throwing a punch at someone who is not even an adult yet.

(Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway, as One invariably does after saying “needless to say”), if We were (subjunctively) to throw a punch at anybody, it would no doubt originate in a crystal punch glass, and contain champagne and sliced strawberries.  We’re just sayin’.)

Also, neither Mister Bieber nor Mister Bloom is American.  Nor are they Middle Eastern.  They are from Canada and Great Britain, respectively, where people have manners and are civilized.  The hell?

Also, gentlemen, you are in Ibiza.  Now, We don’t know about YOU, but We know exactly the last time We were fortunate enough to be in Ibiza, which was, oh, We don’t know, NEVER.  So you’re in a fabulous place like Ibiza, and the best thing you can think of to do is engage in fisticuffs?  How ‘bout you go sit in a corner and think about how fucking lucky you are that you get to go fabulous places like Ibiza when most of the rest of the world doesn’t?

The altercation was allegedly about Mister Bloom’s ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, whom Mister Bieber has allegedly dated.  A forty year old and a twenty year old dating the same woman, you say?  Turns out she’s thirty-one, so it’s not as creepy as it originally sounded, but still, you GO, Mister Bieber!

Speaking of which, the evidence of Our video to the contrary, We have seen neither Mister Bieber nor Mister Bloom’s genitalia.   However, regardless of the relative dimensions of each, it is unwise for a forty year old to have a dick-measuring contest with a twenty year old, because no matter whose dick is bigger, the twenty year old’s can do a whole lot more things repeatedly and in rapid succession.

Just sayin’.

Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Delta Burke’s birthday.  

Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you sometimes slip into the clutches of an emotional loop without realizing it: something annoying happens and you find yourself in a swirl of negative thoughts that won't seem to let go. To get out of this, ask yourself two questions: 1) what is the evidence that my interpretation is right? (There might not be much.) And 2) Are there alternative explanations? (There undoubtedly are.) Asking these two questions can help you talk yourself out of many difficult and painful places.

Everybody thinks you're so tough, Aries, but they don't know your tender center. Madame Olivia thinks it is time for you to begin to show that vulnerable side to a few select people. Be choosy but brave; take the risk with a few people you trust. You'll forge stronger connections with them and ironically make discoveries about yourself.

Circles and round things will be of import in the near future

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.