Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManateesManhandlingManicottiInManhattanMonday, August Fourst, 2014.
August Fourst already? Whoever woulda thunkit. June and July certainly did disappear in the blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do ya?
Happy birthday to TheLovelyAndTalented Tim, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
TheLovelyAndTalented Tim is playing Romeo (or possibly Romeo…it is unclear to Us) in Tribe of Fools’ gay retelling of Romeo and Juliet , set against the backdrop of two rival groups of Mummers. The show will be called Two Street and will be in this year’s Fringe. And, if you happen to have some moneys lying about with which you know not what to do, here is how you could donate to aid in the production of said show: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street
Happy birthday also to Gloria, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And Happy Birthday also too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Andrew, who also too turns twenty-four today, lso too right here in Fluffya…Get To No Ass.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmerican Cousin Monica, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in the suburbs of The Windy City.
And happy belated birthday to Edgar and Randino, who turned twenty-four over the weekend, while We were In Absentia. Drinking absinthe.
Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…
Oh, shut up.
We trust you all had a lovely and festive National Grab Some Nuts Day, which was, of course, yesterday. You MUST have, as obviously you were all too busy exchanging Grab Some Nuts presents and singing Grab Some Nuts carols to enter Our audience participation contest. We did not receive a single nut picture! Consequently the contest, whose description We are rerunning below, will remain open through the rest of today, or until a winning nut is found:
Speaking of holidays, We trust you all have your trees trimmed and your shopping done for this coming Sunday, which is, of course, National Grab Some Nuts Day. (Lest you think We are mendaciously prevaricating, here is the website for same: http://www.grabsomenutsday.com/ )
In honor of the occasion, We are going to have an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! audience participation contest!
(You’re excited, aren’t you? We can tell from here.)
We would like to invite all of Our Gentle Gentlemen Readers to send Us pictures of their nuts, either by email, or SitOnOurFaceBook message, or text (if you know Us well enough to have Our phone number).
Ladies, We certainly don’t mean to leave you out…by all means, snap a photo of your favorite gentleman’s nuts and you too can enter the contest.
The best gentleman’s nuts picture will win a prize. The winner will be announced in this space on Monday. (We can feel the excitement mounting from Minnesota (hi, Allen!) to Colorado (hi, Blair!).
Speaking of unresponsiveness, We were somewhat taken aback by the extremely limited response to Our previous e-pissode, in which We expressed Our opinion of the altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber (which see: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/07/baby-baby-baby-oh.html ). Said limited response caused Us to imagine, amongst other things, that Josh (hi, Josh!) had not read it.
Also, never let it be said that We Our Own Self Personally have not taken pot-shots at The Bieber. Here, for example, is Our video with Mister Bieber (which We never miss an occasion to Cher):
Also, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
Cher and Cher alike.
Also, Cher and Sherilyn Fenn.
Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We need to go celebrate Billy Bob Thornton’s birthday. Here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again. But We suspect that the likelihood that any of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it make?
Actually, this is the second time We’ve done it now (the preceding paragraph went unremarked last week), so We’re fairly certain at this juncture that We could just hire ten thousand monkeys with ten thousand typewriters and be done with it.
The first Gentle Gentleman Reader who send Us a picture of one or more of his nuts with the caption, “What the hell is a typewriter?” will win a prize.
Circles and round things will be of import in the near future
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.