Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, August Thirteenst, 2014.
Happy birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today all the out on The Left Coast. This may, in fact, be an historic moment here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, where We have heretofore never quite accepted that The Left Coast encompasses anything more than WeHo, El Lay, and Fran Sancisco (where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat). As it turns out, there is more, even, to The Left Coast than California! (We know, riiiight?)
Michael is turning twenty-four today in somewhere called “Washington Which Is Not The Same As Washington DC”, although it is unclear to Us whether or not this would make it “Washington AC” or “Washington AC/DC”. (Geography was never Our strong suit.)
Happy birthday also to Sophie, who also turns twenty-four today. In Wilkes-Barre. About which We have not a single joke, geographic or otherwise. You’re welcome.
Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Perry, who turned twenty-four yesterday, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
In other news, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
We have been, for a few days verging on a week now, in a completely foul humor. We are fairly certain that We have identified all the causes of same (at least one of which will actually disappear with the passage of time), and, for the most part, there is nothing We can do. Creative viZZZualization, Our (ginormous) assz.
And, to add insult to injury, when We are already in a foul humor, it seems unfair of The Universe to pile on such things as slogging to the dentist (okay, he IS TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld, but still, a dentist) through the pouring rain and then, when We are in the chair with the female (why, god, why?) hygienist chiseling away at Our teeth, being subjected to McDonna on the radio.
On a positive note, however, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is Danny Bonaduce’s birthday, so perhaps there will be cake. Or at least cocaine.
And now, it being oh-so-much later than We think, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
In the realm of getting stuff done, Madame Olivia has a fabulous concept that she herself invokes: Be your own project manager! This means going beyond just jamming as much onto a list as possible but rather taking a good chunk of time to plan what you're going to do when. It is human nature to underestimate how much time things will take but if you seriously get into your project manager persona you can plan and organize better and you will Get More Done. Guaranteed.
Now, dear Aries, let's take a look at something that's going to present itself to you. It's looking like a challenge and though Madame Olivia knows you generally like a challenge, in all honesty she would simply pass this one up. It's just not going to be worth it and could well add needless complication. A word to the wise.
Word for thought: desire
Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.