Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Eightst, 2014.
August Eightst already? Whoever woulda thunkit. June and July certainly did disappear in the
blink of an eye…you don’t see January and February going away that quickly, do
ya?
Happy birthday to TCBITWWW, who turns twenty-four
today all the way out on The Left Coast, in WeHo, El Lay. Where birthday cakes are made of avocado
frosted with sunshine, and the celebratory birthday cocktail is a Vodka And
Juice Cleanse.
Happy birthday also to Kevin, who also turns
twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy birthday also to Nicholas, who also
turns twenty-four today, somewhere, at least, in the same state as We are. (By “the same state as We are”, We mean
Pennsylvania, not the merry-go-round of Confusion, Denial, and Consternation
which is Our sad, sad mental state.)
And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy belated
birthday to Ariel, who turned twenty-four yesterday, while We were In Absentia.
Drinking absinthe.
Abyssinia…in all the old familiar places…
Oh, shut up.
In Our trials, tribulations, travels, and
travails across the sweeping plains of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We encounter
many and varied sites of varying degrees of interest. Yesterday, We ran across a site on the
subject of Women’s Fitness, with instructions on “How To Do A Dumbbell Snatch
Squat”.
How to what now?
Is it just Us, or is that one of those
almost-English sentences where One cannot quite tell a noun from a verb?
In other news, lettuce imagine, in the space that
follows this paragraph, a big ol’ screed in which We complain about all the
things We have to complain about. Of which,
there are so many, that We don’t have time to properly complain about them all. Which, you may notice, is another
complaint. BEGIN:
…and SCENE.
(Seriously, though…not ONE picture of a
Gentle Gentleman Readers nuts? Are your
nuts THAT identifiable on their own? Whaddaya
have, your name tattooed on ‘em?)
In other other news, We have moved into the
sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of
sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo
video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your
friends: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
Cher and Cher alike.
Also, Cher and Sherilyn
Fenn.
Now, if you’ll excuse Us, We
need to go celebrate Rory Calhoun’s birthday.
Rory Calhoun was a movie star. We
are fairly certain that We have never seen a Rory Calhoun fillum, but We have
decided that “Rory Calhoun” is the quintessential movie star name by which all other
movie star names pale in comparison.
(Take THAT, Zasu Pitts.)
Here, in lieu of
call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a
reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia wonders if like most of us, you
notice that We did this exact same thing in Our last e-pissode, and, since
Madame Olivia only sends Us readings once a week, We’re doing it again. But We suspect that the likelihood that any
of you are actually reading this is about equal to the likelihood that any of
you will send Us pictures of your nuts, so what possible difference does it
make?
Actually, We’re not even sure how many times
We’ve done this now (the preceding paragraph first went unremarked last week),
so We’re fairly certain at this juncture that We could just hire ten thousand
monkeys with ten thousand typewriters and be done with it.
The first Gentle Gentleman Reader who send Us
a picture of one or more of his nuts with the caption, “What the hell is a
typewriter?” will win a prize.
Circles and round things will be of import in
the near future
Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best
until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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