Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August Fifteenst, 2014.
Happy birthday to Janelle, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy birthday also to Scott, who also turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Also too, happy birthday to Meron, who also too turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Additionally also too, happy birthday additionally also too to Tony, who additionally also too turns twenty-four today. In Hackensack. Where, pop music would have Us believe, working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.
Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Jason, and Navaya, and Polly, and Storm, and Thom, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.
In other news, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
It occurs to Us that calling New York “The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us)” really doesn’t distinguish New York from any other city in the world.
Or, indeed, from any other animate or inanimate entity on this or any other known planet, for that matter.
In related news, faithful Gentle Readers will be aware that one of Our means of keeping (our ginormous) body and soul together is by doing paid online surveys. Earlier this morning, We exercised Our expertise in the area of sexual lubricants and sensation enhancers.
In less-related news, albeit still somewhat related, but not by much, depending upon your definition of “much”, and whether or not you’ve mixed up your definition of “much” with your definition of “mulch”, which would, for the most part, be unfortunate, despite the possibility of leading to some sort of “how much mulch…” saying, a la “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck…”…
…and We WONDER why We have naked skimmers…
…it occurs to Us that We have been forgetting to share this with you: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=balls_are_huge%E2%80%8F
In celebrity birthday news, it feels as though We could all use a little respite from all of the unfortunate celebrity deaths of late, so here are some celebrities you had no clue were still alive who are celebrating birthdays today:
Pat Priest, of second Marilyn Munster fame, is 78.
Mike Connors, of Mannix fame, is 89. (His real name is Krekor Ohanian. (Why’d’ya suppose he changed it?))
Rose Marie, of The Dick van Dyke Show fame, is 91.
There…now you’ve forgotten all about Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall.
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
It’s definitely time for you to take action. (Well, fine. As long as you consider procrastinating an action. Because otherwise, We might have to put off taking action until later.)
Your amazing energy (Sorry…have you MET Us?)
is perfect for getting things done, and the more you move, the faster you go. (Also, the hurrier We go, the behinder We get. (That’s Amish for “inbred men have the biggest dicks”.))
(Heh. Didn’t see THAT coming (heh), didja?)
Expect greatness and you’ll make it happen! (Expect mediocrity, and you won’t care whether you make it happen or not.)
(So whaddaya think, is there a market for Amish romance novels? Would YOU buy a bodiceripper entitled Zebediah’s Donkey Dong?)
Your energy is fiery and contagious (Much like the Ebola virus.)
— so you should find almost everything you do becomes a source of inspiration. (What if Our inspiration is past its expiration date?)
Anyone lucky enough to be by your side is treated to some thrilling adventures. (As well as uncontrollable farting.)
Chores can wait until tomorrow, as for now you’re just better suited to tackling new activities. (Jeebus Cripes…We just got done putting off procrastinating….what else do you want from Us? Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll bake you a shoo-fly pie.)
(Day-um…We’ve got a whole Amish THANG goin’ on. A motif, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…who died and made YOU The King Of Rumspringa?))
Your powers of persuasion are peaking, too, (And they are crystal blue. Much like the cleaning thing in the back of Our toilet.)
(Knowledge is power.)
so speak up about whatever you really want. (Lettuce tell you what We want, what We really, really want.)
Turn the flame down low and let stuff simmer a bit. (Unfortunately, Our stove is electric.)
You’ll notice something or someone you’ll miss (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
if you’re in full-on working it mode. (Shouldn’t that be “werqing it”?)
And by tonight, the stars start heating things up for you. (Oh, great. Pat Priest and Rose Marie are gonna come over and cook dinner for Us and Krekor Ohanian. We must remember to put in Our Sunday teeth.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.