Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling), August TwennyEightst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and who
could single-handedly make Us reconsider Our position on Virgo men. (Please
note that, by “handedly”, We mean “using any bodily appendage whatsoever”. (Also please note that, by “position”, We
mean “whatever way he wants it.”))
We are tardy today because We were out and
about in the beautiful weather earlier, getting Our hurrrrrs did. (Please note
(can you tell that you’re in for A Learning Experience today?) that, while it
is perfectly politically correct to refer to Ourself as “tardy”, should Our
e-pisstle be late again tomorrow, it
would NOT be politically correct to refer to Ourself as “retardy”. (You’re
welcome.))
And now, on a somewhat
alarming note, particularly for Our gay Gentle Readers, We are about to utter
the gayest sentence in the history of gayness.
So gay is this sentence, in fact, that its utterance may put an end to
gayness as We know it. Yes, indeed,
ladies and genitals, this one sentence may end both gayness and Uranus.
(Sorry…We couldn’t help
Ourself.)
In fact, the only thing that
may avert the cataclysm is the fact that We are typing this Big Gay Sentence instead of saying it out loud. So if you are reading this aloud (as some of
you no doubt do, particularly those with small children), We would advise you
to stop now. Indeed, if you are someone
who moves his or her lips when you read, you might want to back away from the
computer screen.
Are all of your hatches
battened down (whatever the hell that
means)? Very well…We give you…The Gayest
Sentence In The History Of Gayness:
Barbra
Streisand appeared to Us in a dream.
No, seriously. She DID.
We do NOT make stuff up in here, folks.
She came to tell Us that We are going to make a fillum (although We’re
pretty sure she called it a “movie”). And, being Barbra Streisand, she didn’t just
yap out, “Yo, putz, you’re gonna make a movie.”
She did a live musical
number. On a stage. Costumed as Yentl, although the number was
more like something from Funny Girl.
Okay, that’s it, We’re
done. Nobody can be gay anymore, because
We’ve used up all the gayness.
*************************************************
Shifting gears, Philadelphia’s
Barrymore Award nominees were announced today. (For those of you not fortunate
enough to live and thespianize in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, the Barrymore
Awards are like the Tony™ Awards, except they are not on television and they
don’t involve Neil Patrick Harris.)
Our name was conspicuously
absent from the list of nominees, but We are not here to complain. (Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t nominated
either.)
However, We were genuinely confused by one of the
nominations.
(Non-musical-theatre-queens
may want to give this entire next section a miss. (Of course, since no one is gay anymore, that
would mean everybody…never mind.))
We will also be calling upon
some special expertise amongst Our Gentle Readers, who include at least one
Barrymore Award winner (hi, Doh!) and at least one actor who has appeared in
the show in question (although not in the nominated production (hi, Dona!)).
The source of Our puzzlement
is this:
Amongst the nominees for
Best Supporting Actress In A Musical is a woman who played one of the trio of doo-wop
backup singers in a production of Little
Shop of Horrors.
Now, although it has been a
while, We have seen a professional production of this show, and We have
absolutely no recollection of why anyone would remember one of the doo-wop girls
more than the others. Furthermore, if
you’re a doo-wop backup singer, and you stand
out, it would seem to Us that you’re not exactly doing your job. And
Thurston Howell The Third, how bad must the other two girls in the trio have sucked
to allow this one to be nominated?
Inquiring minds want to
know.
*****************
Speaking of naked people
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one
with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12
and Friday, September 26. If you are
interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be
aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will
be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the
legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one
or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a
bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html
. (Especially if the phrase “legendary
length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That
particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction
of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
It is Jason Priestley’s birthday. Consequently, We shall be taking the rest of
the day off.
And now, in the interests of time management, and because, if you don’t
care about Us, you’re not reading this, so you don ‘t know that We’re onto you,
here, in lieu of call-and-response with Asshatted Ass(tromalogical)
Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to
receive you.
Madame Olivia is very interested in the word
commitment. It sounds like psychiatric jail to Madame Olivia's ears. In any
case it's worth thinking about, and perhaps not just in the relationship realm,
either, but in the realm of values and even work. Does this resonate with you?
The first step is simply to be open to the possibility.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia wants you to know
that she has long admired the energetic way you rush into things. In the coming
days, however, you may tend to be just a bit too heedless, unusual for you. The
remedy is to be aware of the people around you to make sure they don't feel
bulldozed or slighted instead of helped. It's so maddening when good instincts
are misinterpreted. For now, mindfulness is the key. All manner of thing will
be well.
Word of the hour: a certain secret will
become important
It is time to take our leave for now. Madame
Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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