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Thursday, August 28, 2014

If a girl isn’t pretty like a Miss Atlantic City






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  August TwennyEightst, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, and who could single-handedly make Us reconsider Our position on Virgo men. (Please note that, by “handedly”, We mean “using any bodily appendage whatsoever”.  (Also please note that, by “position”, We mean “whatever way he wants it.”))



We are tardy today because We were out and about in the beautiful weather earlier, getting Our hurrrrrs did. (Please note (can you tell that you’re in for A Learning Experience today?) that, while it is perfectly politically correct to refer to Ourself as “tardy”, should Our e-pisstle be late  again tomorrow, it would NOT be politically correct to refer to Ourself as “retardy”. (You’re welcome.))



And now, on a somewhat alarming note, particularly for Our gay Gentle Readers, We are about to utter the gayest sentence in the history of gayness.  So gay is this sentence, in fact, that its utterance may put an end to gayness as We know it.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, this one sentence may end both gayness and Uranus.



(Sorry…We couldn’t help Ourself.)




In fact, the only thing that may avert the cataclysm is the fact that We are typing this Big Gay Sentence instead of saying it out loud.  So if you are reading this aloud (as some of you no doubt do, particularly those with small children), We would advise you to stop now.  Indeed, if you are someone who moves his or her lips when you read, you might want to back away from the computer screen.



Are all of your hatches battened down (whatever the hell that means)?  Very well…We give you…The Gayest Sentence In The History Of Gayness:




Barbra Streisand appeared to Us in a dream.



No, seriously.  She DID.  We do NOT make stuff up in here, folks.  She came to tell Us that We are going to make a fillum (although We’re pretty sure she called it a “movie”).  And, being Barbra Streisand, she didn’t just yap out, “Yo, putz, you’re gonna make a movie.”



She did a live musical number.  On a stage.  Costumed as Yentl, although the number was more like something from Funny Girl.



Okay, that’s it, We’re done.  Nobody can be gay anymore, because We’ve used up all the gayness.




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Shifting gears, Philadelphia’s Barrymore Award nominees were announced today. (For those of you not fortunate enough to live and thespianize in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, the Barrymore Awards are like the Tony™ Awards, except they are not on television and they don’t involve Neil Patrick Harris.)



Our name was conspicuously absent from the list of nominees, but We are not here to complain.  (Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t nominated either.)



However,  We were genuinely confused by one of the nominations.



(Non-musical-theatre-queens may want to give this entire next section a miss.  (Of course, since no one is gay anymore, that would mean everybody…never mind.))



We will also be calling upon some special expertise amongst Our Gentle Readers, who include at least one Barrymore Award winner (hi, Doh!) and at least one actor who has appeared in the show in question (although not in the nominated production  (hi, Dona!)).



The source of Our puzzlement is this:



Amongst the nominees for Best Supporting Actress In A Musical is a woman who played one of the trio of doo-wop backup singers in a production of Little Shop of Horrors.



Now, although it has been a while, We have seen a professional production of this show, and We have absolutely no recollection of why anyone would remember one of the doo-wop girls more than the others.  Furthermore, if you’re a doo-wop backup singer, and you stand out, it would seem to Us that you’re not exactly doing your job. And Thurston Howell The Third, how bad must the other two girls in the trio have sucked to allow this one to be nominated?



Inquiring minds want to know.



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Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:




In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)



Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html .  (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you.  (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere.  Just sayin’.))




And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:



It is Jason Priestley’s birthday.  Consequently, We shall be taking the rest of the day off.




And now, in the interests of time management, and because, if you don’t care about Us, you’re not reading this, so you don ‘t know that We’re onto you, here, in lieu of call-and-response with Asshatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:



Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia is very interested in the word commitment. It sounds like psychiatric jail to Madame Olivia's ears. In any case it's worth thinking about, and perhaps not just in the relationship realm, either, but in the realm of values and even work. Does this resonate with you? The first step is simply to be open to the possibility.

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia wants you to know that she has long admired the energetic way you rush into things. In the coming days, however, you may tend to be just a bit too heedless, unusual for you. The remedy is to be aware of the people around you to make sure they don't feel bulldozed or slighted instead of helped. It's so maddening when good instincts are misinterpreted. For now, mindfulness is the key. All manner of thing will be well.

Word of the hour: a certain secret will become important

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.




Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.