Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August Nineteenst, 2014.
Happy birthday to Larry, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy birthday also to OurAuntTish, who also
turns twenty-four today, in MaryLand.
We are currently in the sign of Leo, which
contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in
the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and
here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of
your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
As promised, here are Our
preliminary dates of attendance at Fringe Festival shows, in anticipation of
the many handsome suitors who will vie to be Our dates at same:
Friday, September 5, 8:00 The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed, which We
directed and wrote sketches for, at L’Etage.
We will be there that night, barring unforeseen difficulties at the
Murder Mystery Factory, and We hope you will be too. Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/
Monday, September 8, 8:00
Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of
Star-Crossed Mummers, at The Church of the Crucifixion. We look forward to Tribe of Fools’ Fringe
offering every year more than any other show.
We first saw them in Heavy Metal
Dance Fag, then, in last year’s AntiHero,
actors actually walked on the walls.
Maybe this year they’ll dance on the ceiling? Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/
Sunday, September 14, 3:00 Truth
Be Told’s Bent, starring
OurSistahOvella, at the Power Plant.
Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/
So if you have an
overwhelming desire to see any of these shows, (or, more importantly, to date
Us (We know you’re out there…We can hear you breathing)), holla at Us. (Note
that We have not yet purchased Our tickets for these shows, so these dates are
subject to change. (Especially if We get
offers of hotter dates on other dates.
(Or figs…because, mmmmm, figs!)))
Coincidentally, both of those
last two productions are currently fundraising, so if you happen to have a
mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound with which you know not what to do, you could
donate them here:
http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe …for Bent…
or here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street
... for Two Street.
(Is it wrong that We are now
imagining how it would be so much more convenient for Us (it being, of course, All About Us) if they were (subjunctively)
to combine these last two productions into one?
Gay Mummers Go To Dachau has a
nice ring to it, no?)
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
We have just learned that it is John Stamos’s
birthday. We are hereby declaring a
national holiday. (We wonder if he’d like to escort Us to a Fringe show?)
Aries
You'll become embroiled in a steamy office
romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of
bringing the warden his meals.
Taurus
It's going to be hectic and stressful for the
next few days, but it'll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates
you for the coolest reason ever.
Gemini
You're a bit sad that you never get invited
to cool parties, but you'll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome
ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.
Cancer
Remember, a bend in the road isn't the end of
the road. While we're on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can
be used to turn your car.
Leo
Next week's horrifying accident inspires an
outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until
everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.
Virgo
Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new
perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a
romantic comedy.
Libra
Your troubles will all be over next week, and
what's even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you
probably didn't feel a thing.
Scorpio
You'll get a free beverage refill when
ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that's going to be about it for
you this week.
Sagittarius
You should avoid making any financial
decisions next week, as the pain you'll be in from all the third-degree flash
burns will probably affect your judgment.
Capricorn
While the ideal gas law is certainly
important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only
lead to disaster.
Aquarius
Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin
will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why
you're not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.
Pisces
All your hard work will finally pay off this
week, but not, of course, for you.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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