Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August Nineteenst, 2014.
Happy birthday to Larry, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy birthday also to OurAuntTish, who also turns twenty-four today, in MaryLand.
We are currently in the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may place it on the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of your friends having Leonine birthdays: http://youtu.be/6kCzNp1JtDo
As promised, here are Our preliminary dates of attendance at Fringe Festival shows, in anticipation of the many handsome suitors who will vie to be Our dates at same:
Friday, September 5, 8:00 The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed, which We directed and wrote sketches for, at L’Etage. We will be there that night, barring unforeseen difficulties at the Murder Mystery Factory, and We hope you will be too. Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/
Monday, September 8, 8:00 Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers, at The Church of the Crucifixion. We look forward to Tribe of Fools’ Fringe offering every year more than any other show. We first saw them in Heavy Metal Dance Fag, then, in last year’s AntiHero, actors actually walked on the walls. Maybe this year they’ll dance on the ceiling? Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/
Sunday, September 14, 3:00 Truth Be Told’s Bent, starring OurSistahOvella, at the Power Plant. Tickets here: http://fringearts.com/event/bent-7/
So if you have an overwhelming desire to see any of these shows, (or, more importantly, to date Us (We know you’re out there…We can hear you breathing)), holla at Us. (Note that We have not yet purchased Our tickets for these shows, so these dates are subject to change. (Especially if We get offers of hotter dates on other dates. (Or figs…because, mmmmm, figs!)))
Coincidentally, both of those last two productions are currently fundraising, so if you happen to have a mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound with which you know not what to do, you could donate them here:
http://www.gofundme.com/bent-philly-fringe …for Bent…
or here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/two-street ... for Two Street.
(Is it wrong that We are now imagining how it would be so much more convenient for Us (it being, of course, All About Us) if they were (subjunctively) to combine these last two productions into one? Gay Mummers Go To Dachau has a nice ring to it, no?)
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
We have just learned that it is John Stamos’s birthday. We are hereby declaring a national holiday. (We wonder if he’d like to escort Us to a Fringe show?)
You'll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren't the trusty in charge of bringing the warden his meals.
It's going to be hectic and stressful for the next few days, but it'll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates you for the coolest reason ever.
You're a bit sad that you never get invited to cool parties, but you'll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.
Remember, a bend in the road isn't the end of the road. While we're on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can be used to turn your car.
Next week's horrifying accident inspires an outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.
Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a romantic comedy.
Your troubles will all be over next week, and what's even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you probably didn't feel a thing.
You'll get a free beverage refill when ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that's going to be about it for you this week.
You should avoid making any financial decisions next week, as the pain you'll be in from all the third-degree flash burns will probably affect your judgment.
While the ideal gas law is certainly important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only lead to disaster.
Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why you're not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.
All your hard work will finally pay off this week, but not, of course, for you.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.